Odd O'blography

Premature Eradication

Reposted from Real Fake News:

Vance calls assassination attempt 'premature'
         by staff reporter D. S. Gustin

         "It could have been disastrous," commented vice-presidential candidate J. D. Vance. "I wasn't even on the ticket yet. What if the convention had turned into a real contest of values and ideas? We could have had a Hispanic, a darkie, or even a childless cat lady on the ticket! It was a great idea, but the timing was terrible. I wouldn't be here now without Trump rigging the primaries and making me his vice guy. I have to make sure he's sworn in before I make my next move. Even then, I can dump his fat ass with the 25th amendment. I mean, Trump may be looney tunes, but there's no need for an assassination - yet."
         Vance discounted speculation that he and Trump had orchestrated the assassination attempt to gain sympathy for the aging and increasingly incoherent former president. The politically inexperienced senator from Ohio scoffed at the suggestion that the plot was something that only a novelist could invent.
         "Sure, maybe I'll write it up that way in my memoirs," Vance laughed, "but let's win the election first. Look, all the contributors to Project 2025 agree that Donald Trump is more useful as a martyr than as an idiot, but he could never pull off a fake assassination. He's just not that good an actor, believe me. And even if we could pull it off, he'd give it away immediately. The guy lives to brag, and he suffers from oral diarrhea. He's never had an unexpressed thought in his entire life. Donald Trump is the last person you'd trust with classified information. No way we're letting him in on our secret plots."