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"I've never been to me" Bard's Hall Entry #9 June 2024

For

FORUM

The Bard's Hall Contest  (13+) DECEMBER is HOLIDAY RUSH: Shape Poetry Prompt! #981150 by PartyBee

and
PartyBee and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ 2025

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
A fantasy we created about people and places
As we like them to be
But you know what truth is?

Those of us who are single and childless by choice or by circumstance may not agree with the message that marriage and family is what it's all about. But... there's a point to be made about being who you are.

I never lead a truly hedonistic life like many do and assume, because of my age and being gay, that I must have.

I learned to say "no" as a stubborn child, "going along" more than once while still thinking "no". Perhaps that's why I was never truly hedonistic. I could never let go... of fears, upbringing, other people's imposed limitations.

I didn't quite learn how to say "yes" and when I did I didn't have proper boundaries. And without boundaries...

I didn't know that it was okay to be me.

But thanks to Kevin, Keith, therapists and teachers I grew in spite of that.

Kevin's acceptance and Keith's deep insight were key moments in my life.

However, stumbling around in life like a rough stone in a tumbler lead to pieces of me breaking off. Some of those pieces I still mourn. But what's left?

Maybe the essence of who I am, in a kinder gentler but authentic-at-the-core kinda way.

So what words describe me:

1. generous... used to describe me... as in "generous to a fault". But it's still a part of me.
2. sensitive... definitely. It helps in experiencing the world emotionally.
3. anxious... yeah. Not proud of it but I worry too much. Possibly a resault of trauma.
4. dreamer... a way to escape reality and boredom.
5. indecisive... I avoid making decisions until I'm sure or until I must.

Where has this lead? Few close friends and running away. But my travels, my writing, my openness to strangers has gifted me in ways that most folks won't experience. It has also lead to "poverty" as my life has been enriched by experiences but not money. Since being poor is a crime in America it has lead to problems that I had to overcome. Not fun. But, once again, I survived, many have not.

Do I like myself? Am I satisfied? I'm not a finished product yet. I'm still not a gem.



This short piece may be depict of how I often feel:

STATIC

As cute as a button  (18+) He cased out a spot where he wouldn't be seen. He was hungry. #2195117 by Kåre เลียม Enga

~400 words

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