Everyday Canvas

Grief Parading as Anger

Prompt:
"I sat with my anger long enough until she told me her real name was grief."
C.S. Lewis
Can anger really mask grief or is it just a stage of it? What do you think?

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A few decades ago when a presidential candidate lost the election to his opponent, he said angrily, "You will not find (his own name) to kick around anymore." My late husband who was a psychiatrist knew immediately. "It was his grief speaking wearing the cloak of anger," he said. So true!

We find such angry outbursts all over the place and each time, I try to see the grief under those outbursts. In general, when we feel angry, it is a good idea to identify the grief underlying that anger. It is the first step toward healing.

Anger then, depending on the cause of grief, is not easy to predict. This search for what underlies the anger can be messy and imperfect, but it opens the way to self-discovery and self-compassion.

Anger may be able to cover up for grief but it does not define a person for we are the sum of our emotions, including the pain of grief. At the surface, even if anger may appear fierce and tough, inside it lies a deeper, more complex truth. Especially with loss. Anger often masks the deep pain of loss, as grief.

Most of the time, loss or grief needs a shield, for it may be too deep to handle for the moment. Anger thus becomes that shield against that vulnerability and pain.

As an example for anger being a shield for grief, I grew up during the time when teachers didn't hesitate to to administer some kind of a corporal punishment. Especially one grade-school teacher used to give in to her sudden anger. All kids feared and hated her. Now, decades later, looking back, I can see that it was her grief at her own incompetence in being a good teacher. Also because, in hindsight, it may have been her grief of not being able to conceive a child, thus her anger at other people's children. I have all the reason to believe that she wanted to be what she could not be. I believe that because she even asked my mother, at a parent-teacher conference, for tips because she liked it that I did my homework diligently and behaved in class. My mother felt so bad for her at that time and after that, so did I, although her outbursts in class scared every student and friend I had.

Grief is relentless and does not follow a timeline or anything predictable. It can ambush a person when least expected, making that person overwhelmed and powerless. Thus, steps in anger as a lifeline, acting as a temporary relief. Unfortunately, it can drive a wedge between us and those we love. Maybe next time, then, when we feel angry, it could be a good idea to dig in and find out what other insidious thing lies beneath that anger to cause it to jump up so suddenly.