My Conversion Story Journal

May 15, 2024

I finally updated my wall calendar last night. It was not happening the past two weeks. I need to add a couple things to it, and there is one week that I didn't write down the candle lighting and end of Shabbat times. I don't remember them and would have to look them up. It doesn't seem necessary.

I've been able to start listening to The Ark videos again.

I have been able to pray part of the bedtime prayer. I start crying and fall asleep before completing past the Shema. I can make it through the morning blessings again in Hebrew. On my way to work, I have decided to read the Wayfarer's Prayer in Hebrew. I have had to look it up anyway, so if I'm going to be reading it, I might as well do it with a more powerful language. Crying during that prayer is normal. I always do.

I wonder when I will be able to pray and just talk to G-d without crying out in pain to him. The world still feels so dark. Everything feels dark. Even the way the light shines on the leaves of the trees outside my window is different, darker. I miss the feeling of the room as I pray and I can feel G-d's presence and attention to my words, and his patience as I read slowly in Hebrew, and his happiness as I add my own words of love for him and then keep going, I miss his presence so full of light and warmth and hope.

I know that G-d is still with me and comforting me when I need it. He reminds me of the little things that bring hope just enough to keep going and make it through the day. He continues to show me that my conversion journey is not over. I said a brucha over a bagel while at my desk at work and heard a voice in my ear say, "You should have washed your hands first." I laughed and said, "Yes, I should have." I don't think any students heard me talking to myself, but it made me feel a bit more like myself.

I'm looking forward to the day when my prayer are again full of substance instead of my cry, "I need you my king."