what matters and why

college?

 (This entry was edited by 1boy on 07-03-01 @ 8:51 am EDT)

3:30pm

Only seven credit hours will I earn this semester, and after all this stress. Three classes, one lab, you think I could handle it. Especially with nothing else going on right now. No job, unless you count the child care, which is only once a week. I'm wondering if I've gotten myself in too deep by enrolling in 13 hrs. for next fall. I just want to finish all my basics and be done with it. I've arranged my son's preschool hours in accordance with my school, except Fridays when my friend will keep him. It will save money on gas (but not much if the prices keep going up) driving to mom's. And it will also provide an excuse for my sister in law, who I assume still thinks she's keeping him when I'm at school since she went throught the trouble of relocating for my convienence. (and failed to ask me) Nevermind. I'm tired of talking about her.

I do realize that if I managed my time better, and didn't procrastinate so much, it would make this school thing so much easier on me. Getting myself motivated to do homework is an impossible task. As soon as I think about it, I'm all of a sudden exhausted. I'd rather do anything else, even the laudry. So when schoolwork comes second to housework, it never gets done and I get behind. Especially these television classes, which require so much self discipline. Somehow so far, I've managed to get by, but how long will that last? And then I wonder, if it's such a burden, what the hell am I doing going to school. And spending all this money? There's no career in mind that I'm waiting for as soon as I finish, nothing that I'm excited about doing. The whole professional work world scares me to death, to tell you the truth. I've had two experiences: one was horrible and scarred me for life (ok, not really that bad) and another was ok, but once all my friends quit, I hated it. So work is not a passion for me, any kind. I do what I can to get by, and that's all. I don't strive to be the best, unlike him, who I absolutely admire for possesing that quality. Without his work ethic, where would our lives be now?

So why do I want to earn a degree so badly? I ask myself all the time. I do like the challenge, I like the feeling I get when I complete a class. But sometimes I think that the only reason I do this is because it's expected in my family. (extended and immediate) I am the only one of my cousins so far to not go to college and I feel some need to keep up, even if it takes longer. I feel this need to make up for my "mistake" to make being the bad one in the family all right again. It doesn't even make any sense. Four years ago, it was my plan to finish school, I even had a few careers in mind and was excited about them. But then life took a drastic turn, and school was no longer a priority. Only recently has it become a big part of my life. Do I feel like I should finish because that's what I would have been doing. The thing is, I don't feel as if this drastic change is a big mistake anymore. I love my life, and how it's turned out, regardless of whether I planned it this way or not. So what do I care what everyone else thinks. That if you didn't get your degree, you're somehow less. All I want to do now is raise my child. (children, eventually) I don't have an aspiring need to get out of the house and make a name of myself. (have I become my mother?)