My Conversion Story Journal

April 10, 2024

Some vocabulary in this entry (if needed):
Pesach: The eight days of the Jewish Passover, not to be confused with Easter or the one night of Passover in the Christian religion.
chametz: the five grains raw - wheat, oats, rye, barley, and spelt - or anything made from them that has come into contact with water and become "leavened."
traif: not kosher

As Pesach approaches, I think more about what my kosher kitchen will look like. At least in my mind. My youngest daughter, A2, moved back home (thankfully), which makes me think more about how I will navigate my two worlds. I will need meat and dairy dishes, but I also need traif dishes for my children to use. They do not separate meat and dairy, and I can't expect them to follow everything with Judaism like me. I also think about dishes and how I can keep a functional kosher kitchen with non-kosher living companions (including the cat).

Not only are pans and dishes on my mind, but food itself. While every Jewish woman is searching for chametz in their home to burn it or sell it, I'm wondering how I can manage a kitchen and household where different rules and expectations apply to the people who live there. How is it possible? How can I clean for Pesach when half of the house is not in need of following that law? What do I get rid of since we eat some things together? What exactly should be considered as "hers" and what is considered as "mine?" I have to feed her, and she is not required to eat matzah during this time. How is that going to work?

Again, all of this is questions for the future because I do not have a kosher kitchen at the present time. Anything I do now would be for building habits. I am determined to learn as much as I can this Pesach. I know that a year ago, I was just learning about the basics of what Pesach was and had very little understanding of Jewish beliefs and traditions. Well, at least compared to now.

I'm trying to remember that I am not stuck. I am right where Hashem wants me to be and when that changes is up to him. I am still planning for the future and giving Hashem as many vessels as it takes to get me to where he wants me to be and to show him that I trust him and believe that he wants what is best for me in my life.

I look forward to the day that I am no longer straddling two different worlds, but instead be a part of my new world and bring that world to my old world and say, "I know who I used to be, but this is who I am now." Though the day is not today, I know that I have passed surface level and am digging deeper into the details.. When details are studied with purpose, those beliefs become part of your life and your identity. I am not stuck. I am making vessels in the core of my being for Hashem to fill and I know that he is filling them.

Thank you Hashem for loving me.