Slipping into Madness

D1: Identity Crisis - Who Are You?

create a blog entry (or static item) that deals with moment(s) you’ve questioned yourself over any decision. (<1000 words)

I've only had one steady boyfriend in my life, and I had him for about a year. I had him through some difficult times. In June, two of my sisters got married, and he was there. About two weeks later, his brother got married and I was there. At the end of July, I was diagnosed with T1 diabetes and he was there. In October, my brother was married and he was there. We'd intertwined our lives so tightly, but at the same time, I'd been having frustration with him almost from the moment we started dating.

He was kind and sweet, but he didn't talk about things. I mean, sometimes it's necessary to discuss the relationship, just so that we both are on the same page with what we think is happening. He didn't do that. Instead, he just slipped comfortably into some new set of expectations without ever saying anything.

Take a moment . . . maybe four months after we'd started dating. I thought we were exclusive. I thought he thought of me as his girlfriend. He'd never told me so. Instead, he acted like that. So, at some point, one of my sisters (I have four—and we're always in each other's lives) asked him in my presence whether he was my boyfriend. And I said: I didn't know because we'd never talked about it.

At that point, he took me out on our date, and we talked it over, and by the time we came home, we had defined ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend, mutually exclusive.

But it was hard. I liked him, but I didn't like that he couldn't do some of the reaching out. If I didn't initiate a conversation, we didn't talk. Now, I'm introverted, too. And I understand that sometimes it's difficult, but it was work.

He never asked me if I would do things (like go to his brother's wedding for example) but I discovered over the course of time that if I mentioned something (like the fact I was going to sing in church on a Sunday) he saw that as an invitation or an expectation for him to go. I promise, it wasn't. I was always surprised when he showed up to watch me sing . . . but it made me realize that I had to be paying attention to every little bit of conversation that we had because he wasn't going to ask. He was going to expect. He was going to put all the wheels in place for me to go with him to his brother's wedding, and I was going to end up going without ever being asked if I could in the first place.

Saying it like that makes it feels so petty of me. But I finally . . . some time after my brother's wedding but before Christmas . . . sat down with him and asked him where he saw this relationship going. He said he saw us getting married in the future. And I saw years of resentment and work and we broke up.

I've since learned that he's gotten married, and I'm happy for him.

But sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't have been more willing to express my frustrations before they grew into such a problem that I haven't seen him again. And sometimes I wonder if it might have worked out. At the same time, I can't imagine changing myself enough that I could have lived with him long term. I think I made the right decision. I think I'm most sorry that I let it go as long as it did.

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