The Schizotypal Marionette

Another Day, another entry

I need to stop here again and explain something important. However, in doing so, I needed my wife, Tiffany, to help me word this because I didn't know how to say it correctly. Usually, I don't care what people think about my writing. It isn't because I am insensitive or a jerk (I hope I'm not). I can't feel that way. Having people read my writing is terrific - getting feedback is fantastic because I learn from it and am never hurt by negative comments. When I get a kudo, I feel proud that someone enjoyed something I wrote. However, there isn't a personal "joy" knowing that.


My Schizotypal disorder placed a whammy on how I perceive emotions. I have them, just differently. For example, when I write something I am very happy about and get four stars, I've failed as a writer--all-or-nothing thinking. Right now, I can say that's a great score! Conversely, if I throw something together in an hour because I have drank four Mountain Dews and got five stars, I will think Meh, that's nice and move on without a raised eyebrow. If anything, I will feel suspicious and wonder why I got that score and if someone is trying to set me up. It's just a coin toss.


Lastly, for today, when I log in daily and see pending messages, I get anxious. Why would anyone want to contact someone like me? What did I do wrong? Have I broken a rule and offended someone? What did I do wrong?


These are just a tiny example of the symptoms of living with STPD. Next time, some positives I have gained.