Complex Numbers

Mixed-Up

Before I get into today's article, a quick notice: I'll be participating in "Journalistic Intentions"  [18+] next month, meaning eight of my entries will be themed for that contest. If you have a blog or feel like starting one, it's a good way to spark ideas. (The preceding has been an unpaid public service announcement.)

Once again from Cracked, a beneficial article:

    5 Pairs of Extremely Similar Things That You Better Not Mix Up  

There are, arguably, too many things in the world. Even if you make it your life’s work to know what everything is, it’s an impossible goal.

Hell, even just trying to get to know every beer is an impossible goal. That doesn't stop me from trying.

Sometimes you might be seeing something that you’re 100 percent sure you’ve identified, and turned out to be plumb wrong.

That's because you used common sense, which is usually misguided.

5. Eastern Coral Snake/Scarlet Kingsnake

If something in nature is frequently enough confused, and with sour enough results, that it earns its own trademark mnemonic device? That’s a pretty good sign that intuition isn’t going to cut it.

I learned this one at a young age, even though neither of these snakes lives in Virginia (yet).

That rhyme, of course, being the famous “Red touches yellow, kill a fellow; red touches black, friend to Jack.” It’s brief, fun and just creative enough to make it kind of hard to remember in an actual emergency. The snake in question is the highly venomous eastern coral snake, and their very similar looking counterpart, the scarlet Kingsnake.

I'm also always confusing the "liquor before beer, never fear; beer before liquor, never sicker" one. Mostly because my primary superpower, besides punning, is that I'm free to ignore such aphorisms. As for snakes, look, they can be beautiful creatures, but I prefer to admire them from a distance.

4. False Morels

I've covered fungus in here before: "Everyone Calls Me Mushroom Because I'm Such A Fun Guy" . All I have to say about this now is that it's a real morel hazard. Yes, I made that pun in the linked entry, too; shut up.

3. Baking Powder/Baking Soda

Coincidentally, I've covered this one too. Sort of: "Sodium Cool" 

2. Fabuloso/Tasty Drinks

Pretty sure this is in the same category as Tide Pods.

You might scoff and say you’d have to be an idiot to ever accidentally drink something that belongs under the sink, but I can tell you from personal experience, even knowing it’s poison, it still looks delicious on a hot day. In big grocery stores, you’d probably get the hint noticing it stocked next to the Windex, but in smaller stores where it might not be that far from the Gatorade? Enough people have made the mistake that warnings have had to be issued, and eventually, the entire labeling was changed to make it more obviously for cleaning and not quaffing.

I consider this to be a self-correcting problem.

1. Your Kid at Chuck E. Cheese

I have never been to a Chuck E. Cheese. I'm pretty sure they were around when I was a kid, but my parents had enough sense not to take me to one. And, of course, being fortunate enough not to have kids myself, I never had a reason to go as an adult. (I have, however, been to Disney World.)

How was I supposed to notice that this one had a different Spider-Man T-shirt on? I haven’t slept more than two hours in five years.

This is why you dress up your kids in a way that makes them unmistakable. You won't ever lose them, and they will never, ever forget it.

I have to admit I'm surprised that the article doesn't include the most important extremely similar thing that you better not mix up: your girlfriend and her twin sister. That shit only turns out well in letters to Penthouse. Just trust me on this.