Alotta Monkey Business

I Resolve to Not Resolve

For "Andre's Fractured Resolutions Blog-O-Thon!"  , prompt: I hereby resolve NOT to make any New Year's Resolutions at all.

It's funny you should mention this, I resolved back in 2002 (yes I'm that old) the same resolution. It went something like this, "Dad, it's midnight, what's your New Year's resolution?"

I thought on it as I sipped my cocktail, we had been drinking White Russians most of the night as well as a variety of shots tossed in randomly, so it took a while to think. "I'm not sure I want to make one, they never last more than a few days, maybe a week."

"But, it's traditional; you have too."

"Fine, but I need another drink while I think of something." Jim Bob (not his real name) got up and proceeded to fix me another while I pondered resolutions. After he returned and handed me my beverage, I told him I had the perfect resolution, "I resolve that this will be my last resolution and will make no more."

He laughed and said it wasn't a real resolution. "I informed him that I had technically stated it as my resolution, therefore it was legal and binding."

"We'll see." He figured I would forget and make another resolution on the next start of a year, but I never did. To this day, I proudly claim to have kept that last resolution to make no new resolutions on New Years Eve.

Not long ago, in a bar not so far, far away, a monkey told me he too had resolved not to resolve. But, Andre had been hitting the banana bitters pretty hard that night. As he came out of the bathroom wiping his hand on his leg, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "It's midnight, and I resolve to start buying toilet paper first thing tomorrow morning. But, we're out now, would you run down the street and get some from the gas station?"

"They sell toilet paper?"

"No, you fool; they sell gasoline. But they always have a few rolls in the crapper. Go grab 'em and put 'em in the stalls."

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