My Conversion Story Journal

November 26, 2023

Shabbat is referred to as a queen or a bride as though it were a person. In the book I am reading Shabbat by Abraham Joshua Heshel introduces the book by saying, "Creating Shabbat begins with a sense of longing. It is not we who long for a day of rest, but the Sabbath spirit that is lonely and longs for us." I know that there is a feeling during Shabbat that leaves a gaping hole when Shabbat ends. It leaves a feeling of loss and longing. It is as if someone you love left and you have to wait for their return. The work week then begins and every moment of the day for six days is full of rushing, working, praying, eating, and a few hours of sleep. For one brief weekend in the coming dismal gray that will permeate the core of every living thing, I had a full Shabbat from beginning to end in one place.

I left on Friday with plenty of time to make it, but life always happens. Somehow, the clips that hold my tail light in place decided to break and my tail light was flapping as I drove down the road. I looked all over my car to find something to keep the tail light in place, but found nothing. I was almost to H's house and found an Ace Hardware. I didn't have time to stop (or find a garage open on a holiday weekend) to have a new tail light installed. I bought some duck tape and taped the tail light into place. I made it to H's house with twenty minutes to spare. I lit my candles first since she wasn't ready. About ten minutes later, she lit hers. The ushering in of the Shabbat is always magical. I had to break Shabbat while I was there. There was not much opportunity for me to do that (which was amazing) but I put some moisturizer on in the morning before going to shul. That was enough to break Shabbat and still give me the entire weekend experience.

I stayed through the end of Shabbat and watched as she and her husband did Havdalah together like it was second nature. I was so blessed to be a witness to that.

The drive home is a bit of a blur. It started snowing right before I stopped for gas at my normal stop. The roads were like ice the last bit of the way home and I slid going up hills a few times. I only saw one small accident (small dent in the car on the side of the road) and was happy to pull into my parking space.

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As I sit watching the snow fall and thinking about all of the things I need to do today and this week, I also think about the hostages that were freed and those still in captivity. As I watch the forest get slowly darker and the ground get whiter, I think what it must have been like for 49 days to be held by rifle point in a tunnel underground having seen my parents and siblings murdered in front of me. As I drink cold water from a water bottle, I think about those still in captivity in a deep dark tunnel not knowing if today will be the day they go home or the day they die.

I am thankful for all of the hostages released so far and struggle to understand the monsters that were motivated to do such atrocities to other human beings. What about that 10 month old baby that the world seems to have forgotten? The hostage that I have been praying extra hard for and doing mitzvas for is still in captivity. My heart aches for her. Is she even alive? I pray as though she is alive and waiting to be freed. G-d free her.

Shabbat was a small break for the worries of life but still full of prayer for the hostages. G-d free all your people has you have promised.