Better Than Therapy

Trying Again

I tried a few days ago with a post, spent a bit of time on it, took a break and something happened where the window ended up getting closed. It's very emotional for me to talk about, so I had to take some time.

Yesterday was the 11th anniversary of my mom having a hemorrhagic stroke. Memories popping up on facebook and will continue too (as I was updating family and friends) for the next week. Just into the early minutes of December 2nd, did my mom pass.

I miss her, still, so fiercely. Most of the time I can handle it and then there are days, like today, where I read a post of mine and then followed by friends and family who had made posts (and tagged me in them) about it and it just swarmed me.

My mom was my best friend. She was my person. Yknow, how you can have that friend who just knows you? Who you can be honest about, because they won't judge you? Maybe even because they're the same and have those same insecurities, so they understand in a way that other people don't, or won't, or can't. She made me feel seen, she made me feel validated. I've always been so insecure about myself, shy and awkward. She was also shy and awkward. We both had RBF (resting bitch face for those who aren't familiar), both had friends who thought we were "bitches" before they knew who we were. She was so kind and sweet, stubborn, and strong.

There are days where I wish I had done more when she had been alive, that maybe things could have gone differently for her. Maybe she would've have had the stroke at all. I know it's bullshit. I know it is, because what she had was more than likely caused because my mom had high blood pressure and she had stopped taking her medication. But I keep thinking about the stress she had been under before that, that I hadn't noticed she wasn't taking her medication. That I wish I had been able to help her more financially or that I could've noticed she wasn't taking her medication and that I could've made sure she took it. That I could've even paid for it.

I hate those days, because sometimes it's so easy to be overwhelmed by those thoughts. She was very special to me and I had always believed I'd have so much more time with her. Thankfully, today is not one of those days. I just miss her fiercely.

It also doesn't help that it's the "holidays" and they were her favorite times of the year. She always managed to make this time of the year special, even though we never really had a lot of money. It took me quite some time for me to want to celebrate Christmas, to feel cheery and happy about it.

I think one of the things that has been the most challenging, aside from the obvious, is learning how grief works and what being dead means. For the first few years after my parents passed, I had to keep telling myself that they were gone, because I kept feeling like a bad daughter, because I wasn't calling them. Like everything would be better if I just picked up the phone and called them.

When you've had your parents for 27 years and they're in your life always for those times, it makes sense that it would take awhile for your brain to register that.

I had never lost anyone close to me until my mom passed and then my dad shortly after. I also didn't get a chance to really fully deal with it, because I was suddenly homeless. I had been staying with my parents until my boyfriend (now fiance) graduated from college. He was also out of state and it just made sense. I ended up moving sooner than I had planned. I stayed with one person, who didn't end up being the person I thought and ended up moving with another friend who ended up being exactly the person she was and needed her to be. Even so, it wasn't a long-term solution and ended up staying with Matt and his mom (mostly his mom as Matt lived on campus)(and that is a totally different post).

There was also a lot of stuff handling with my mom's life insurance, which my older sister handled most of, but there was always something that needed to be done or handled. My dad couldn't be buried because of it (he had been cremated, so he was just hanging out in an urn at another sibling's house). My parents also didn't get a stone for awhile either. So there was always something going on for a few years, which I think prohibited me from really allowing myself to focus on my grief and try to heal.

It also didn't help either that I would lose two brothers, a sister, an aunt, and an uncle following everything as well. Some pretty closely afterward (lost a brother barely two months after my dad, an uncle 9 months or so after). It always felt like something. Something after losing an Uncle when I was 12 and I didn't have a huge connection with (I think because I was a kid and when we were at their place, I just hung out with my cousins) and another Uncle that no one really liked and I wasn't all that close to.

I guess I'll close up here. Not really a satisfied ending, I wish I could've closed it off better, but I am feeling a bit better than I was when I started. These entries will probably be weird like this. It's mostly to get emotions and such off my chest when it arises. So they'll probably be all over the place and end abruptly, once I feel like I've done so. I guess if anyone does read through these (bless you), you can always ask questions and I'll answer them.