Mirror

In The Wilderness

At the beginning of my walk with the Lord, I wasn’t prepared for the ups and downs of my life and my faith. I thought nothing could change the way I felt and that the closeness I felt with the Lord would carry me through any storm that came my way.

Some of the storms were designed by God for His purpose so that I could look to Him for shelter from the storm. He loved me enough to give me an opportunity to trust Him when I forgot how to. Others were the result of my disobedience. Still others were the result of my taking my eyes off the Lord and His Word.

As I look back on my life, I'd like to say that obedience comes at the first sign of God's direction, but that's not always the case. My stubbornness always causes consequences- some in the form of confusion and having to wait for clarity until I get back on the right track, and some in the form of missing His blessing or instruction altogether. Sometimes I make the right choices only after my disobedience and its consequences cause chaos in my life and force me to. And so, I enter a “wilderness” period that causes me to think that I’m alone when God is still there, still loving me, still caring for me.

At one point in my life, while I was going through a particularly difficult period, I was isolating myself from family and friends. I was incredibly lonely. As happens sometimes in depression, every problem seemed magnified. I can remember crying and saying, “Why isn’t God enough?” As soon as I said it, the guilt washed over me. I couldn’t believe I had said that out loud or even thought it. But I kept saying it. I couldn’t understand how the emptiness I felt inside could be there if God was in my life.

Therefore, I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Job 7:11

The Life Bible App reflects on the above verse: “Keep an open dialogue with the Lord and others you trust so you are not covering up your emotions. God loves you, and he can handle your emotional honesty, just as he has listened to the pain, frustration, fear, and anger of countless believers before. Share your feelings with a few godly confidants as well so they can hold you accountable when you get off-track and help you re-direct your emotions from unhealthy ways to healthy ones.”

Not too long ago, I saw a video showing what the Judean wilderness looked like and I was shocked! Instead of the flat landscape, I was expecting to see, I saw jagged peaks and dry infertile land. God literally chose this landscape for the Israelites to travel through so they would look to Him for help and encouragement along the way. Their continuous disobedience and defiance, however, kept them there for 40 years.

As I look at the landscape of my own journey, I see much the same thing. In my mind looking ahead I’d see long stretches of land where I’m walking along with the Lord without a care in the world. But the reality was much different as I sometimes rebelled against God’s plan for my life. Periods of joy would turn into times of turmoil. The terrain would be harder to get through because I was looking for God in all the wrong places. I wanted Him to protect me regardless of my actions just because He was God and that’s what I thought He would do. I was looking for Him in all the external places instead of looking inside. I wasn’t being led by the Spirit because I didn’t know I should be.

Being in the wilderness as a believer is very different than it was before I knew the Lord. Before I knew Him, I just thought that my problems and moods were related to the circumstances in my life. But now I see that I created the wilderness by choosing not to obey Him, choosing not to trust the Lord, even knowing that He cares for me. The danger comes from being comfortable in that state because coming out of it means seeing myself in ways I’d rather not see. Therefore, guilt becomes my constant companion. It’s amazing how many times I’d see a situation in my life and cry to God for help not realizing that all I had to do was change my behavior or thoughts and I would clearly see his direction.

God sent a Helper, the Holy Spirit, to guide me through this wilderness. He never meant for me to be alone on this journey. But I had a lot of difficulty seeing how the Holy Spirit works in my life. Very slowly I started to discern His voice. But sometimes my own will got in the way and I wasn’t sure whether it was truly the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart. The more I studied God’s Word, though, the clearer His voice became.

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

John 16:13