A Night at The Vag

Chapter 3

Jack entered the Club Vagabond to scatterings of laughter and applause. 'One Ton' blasted out a toast from that foghorn he called a voice. "To our good friend Jack Riffer, an honorable ambassador for dumb hicks everywhere".

Jack sat down at the bar and was immediately greeted by Claire. Claire was the club owner’s daughter, and the reason Jack was still here. From the moment he'd first set eyes on her he'd known that her's was a face he would never forget. Her ready smile and dancing brown eyes had immediately won him over. Just like they did every time he saw her.

She gave him a peck on the cheek and a beer. "This one's on the house mountain man. Next time try to remember you can't ski". She laughed and danced away to her next customer. Jack found something interesting in the bottom of his glass.

One Ton joined Jack at the bar. "You know you are one lucky son of a bitch. If Jean-Claude hadn't come in here bitching about 'americains stupides' you'd still be out there". One Ton downed half his beer, and lit up a nasty ass gauloise. "You're damn lucky he found you. Do you remember Gaston? He's the guy you nearly knocked off the cliff in your panic to get out of there". One Ton's laughter ended in a coughing fit. Jack lit up a Marlboro with a telling look at the gauloise. "One Ton noticed and replied. "Yeah, yeah I know. I found them behind one of the tables".

The Vag was starting to fill up. One Ton waved to a group of college girls coming in.
Jack inquired. "Well"?

"Well what"?

Jack fought to remember what they had been talking about."Gaston? I'm so lucky"?
"Jean-Claude is Gaston's brother-in-law", continued One Ton, "and Gaston is on the ski patrol". When Jack continued looking at him, One Ton explained, "You didn't have to wait long".

Claire brought another round and was gone before Jack could get past a stammered thanks.

"I don't think he used the rope to get down to you".

"He used the rope".

"Yeah but only after you nearly knocked him off".

The bottom of Jack's beer started to absorb all of his attention again.

One Ton continued right on talking. "Why didn't you just climb back up? It didn't look that far, and Gaston walked down the slope. It looked like no big deal".

Jack's retort was fueled by hours of barely restrained frustration. "That was no slope. That was an ice cliff and, it was an avalanche that left me hanging there. Avalanches kill what? ...hundreds of people a year here, right? I'm damn lucky to be alive, and that guy was able to walk down because he had those spike things on his boots. He was able to dig right into the ice 'cause all the snow had avalanched off of there and..." Jack noticed Claire smiling at him and trailed off. "Besides, I broke my finger".

One Ton burst out laughing. Jack suffered silently.

"That was what you would call a small slide Riffer", One Ton chortled "Avalanches kill people 'cause they're huge. That little slide wouldn't have filled a rabbit hole".

One Ton was a three hundred-pound plus biker from Florida, and he was one of the few people Jack could relate to here. Although One Ton was merciless with his japes Jack knew no offense was intended. It was just as well, Jack didn't see much of a future in telling the biggest, and most well armed son of a bitch he'd ever met that he was getting offended.

One Ton stood up and said "C'mon Jack. Cheer up. Your money's no good here tonight". One Ton boomed out across the bar. "Claire! I got Jack's drinks covered tonight. Put them on my tab".

One Ton moved off, having no trouble clearing a path through the growing crowd.

Claire set her cigarette in the ashtray he was using. Jack tried his best to make small talk.
"Have you ever thought about where the word 'cigarette' comes from? 'Cigar' and 'ette'. They sound French. What do you think, Claire? Are they something else we can blame the French for"?

Claire had no trouble with an answer. "No, it was an Egyptian infantryman".

Jack desperately wondered how he could turn this around.

Claire interpreted his silence as an invitation to continue. "During the siege of Acre". she went on, raising her voice as she continued to pour beers further on down the bar. "The Egyptian cannonneers increased their rate of firepower by rolling their gunpowder into paper tubes. When they had beaten the Turks they were rewarded with tobacco. They had no pipes, and necessity is the mother of invention..."

Claire's response was so casual and her smile, when she looked at him so relaxed and friendly, that Jack had to admit to himself that he was seriously impressed.

"You know, One Ton is just playing with you. Many big avalanches begin as small slides. Any miniscule..." Claire held up her thumb and forefinger and squinted at Jack through the tiny space between them. "...movement can create an imbalance that sets off an avalanche big enough to bury a village. You really are lucky to be alive. The men who rescued you have lived here all their lives and so they can move easily in the mountains. They respect the weather and know better than to go skiing off-piste by themselves. Especially after such a heavy fall this late in the season. It's snowing now. Exposure can kill you as easily as a fall can". Claire chided.

It must have been all the free beer because the next words out of Jack's mouth were: "Claire, you are as wise as you are beautiful. Will you marry me"?

Claire amiably kissed him full on the lips and said, "you are so funny". She then went off to tend to her other customers, Jack sat and wondered; "Did she mean 'good' funny, or 'funny' funny"? He didn't know, but he hoped it was the good kind.