Bibimbap 비빔밥

NaBloPoMo#6 "I will survive"

I managed to video-chat briefly with Pan. I worry too much. It was raining in Khun Han.

It saddens me to be of no help. I'm also not thrilled to be alone. It's okay as a break, but I shouldn't live alone.

I also need to decide about where I'll live next month. I want to include Pan in that discussion.

I dream of where I once was happy. But, that river emptied into the sea long ago.

And travel? Getting harder as I age. My body and my mind aren't flexible enough to just go somewhere spontaneously. And my mind... slips.

I'd love to have a cottage in Lone Elm. A window looking upon a large garden. Book cases. A lap-pet. An old car to drive down empty roads. I want to be young again with what I now know. Silly me.

I make lists and they do help me accomplish something. But... happiness and joy aren't on those lists.

It would be nice to have friends, be surrounded by friends. Perhaps never again.

No reason to fear Death, but dying isn't necessarily fun. Best to learn how to let go now.

My faith believes in inclusion, tolerance, fairness, reality, community. The much maligned DEI comes close. American Christianity does not. The "Church of America" emphasizes a world vision of superiority, iron-fisted injustice, an elite exclusive gated Heaven I would call Hell. So, I'm not enticed by its marketing of salvation.

I come from the Creator and so shall I return.

But I have so much to learn before I go... as if I could choose the time and place.

Where do I want to die? If I were certain I'd go there to live.

To Sum1's Home in "Schaumburg, Illinois"  "Kansas... Salina again? Or elsewhere. I'd love to meet you there but my plans are up in the air. Someday I do need to go back. Stay at home over Christmas Break? The wear-and-tear is real. That's one reason why I stay in Udon Thani 2-4 months rather than move about constantly. I must re-think any future travel; I may go in groups (hate that idea, but...) or incorporate more time for just doing 'nothing'. The time-zone issue is mitigated if I travel north-south (the Americas; Europe/Africa; East Asia) or within a time-zone (ICT includes Thailand, Viet Nam, Laos, Cambodia, Western Indonesia; China, Malaysia, Singapore, Western Australia, Taiwan, Philippines are one hour ahead and Myanamar :30 behind).

Reading your last blog... autumn. Winter is officially here when morning lows hit 73. I think we've had one day of that so far. Temps are above normal in NE Thailand... and that isn't good.

Pumpkin. I'd love to have a lap-pet, but not allowed in our condo, difficult in Montana, questionable as I get older unless there's someone younger around to help. I give free pets to any cat or dog that requests one."

To Pumpkin Harvest in "Planning Ahead" : "Yep. My blog, "Porthole"  has lists I check off daily. Not important to do everything every day; but, when I'm traveling I have a special checklist. I'll set out my clothes the night before. Packing is a nightmare in spite of the preparation. Mostly, I'm fine. I still feel that last minute hysteria that comes with the slippage of my mind.

The daily list includes learning/using/watching Thai. Since I'm in Thailand that makes sense... until I forget... therefore the list.

No one reads my blog or comments (about one or two per month). Locally, I do share my accomplishments as chit-chat. I know people who exercise daily, have rigid diets (I don't), know about the pitfalls of Thai culture and government rules (helped me with the anxiety I felt over my visa extension). Not everything can be verified or makes sense online.

I've lived alone for so many years... I'm enjoying sharing a place here in Udon Thani and wonder whether I should ever live alone again. Yes, I can still live alone... but should I?"

To AmyJo-Thankful in heart in "TUYC - Nov 4th - Times of Noah?" :

"Yes, we all die someday. But, not all things come in predictable cycles. Yes, there have been Teachers, most seldom heeded I may add. Noah was Noah. Moses was Moses. Jesus was Jesus. And I could list others that most Christians neither acknowledge nor respect.

And yes, we go about life (as we should) until the day we die.

I'm not a believer in the Apocalypse. In my opinion it makes people not care about doing anything about the present. "Live fast. Die young!" is how it was put in "Rebel Without a Cause". I care deeply about fellow humans and all Life with whom we share this Planet.

Worried? Anxious? There's a lot of angst going around; but, there is much that can be done about the pitfalls of modern life.

What I remind myself:

1. Look around you? See the beauty! Don't buy into fear.
2. Love is an action verb. Love thy neighbor? Sure. Now love your enemies; then, try to understand them.
3. Let science (there is more than one p.o.v.) help provide answers to physical and biological events. There are answers to climate change and epidemics for example.
4. Let Scripture (there is more than one book of guidance) provide answers to spiritual questions.
5. Use critical thinking. Science and Scripture are like two wings of One bird. Heed them and let humanity fly."

To Lyn's a Witchy Woman in "self-care and Tom" :

"I care deeply about people. That has caused problems at times. I didn't always have good boundaries (still working on them) and unintentionally hurt some people whilst trying to help others.

Here in Thailand I'm trying to learn to "say no" and "let go". Obligations to family and friends and community (losing face is part of that) are defined differently. It's a bit of a quagmire and I'm making mistakes, and hopefully learning from them.

One thing I don't fear: physical violence. Thailand isn't as peaceful as it seems; but, there is a certain day-to-day feeling of safety. People here don't steal. They don't yell at each other for no reason. Most everyone can go about their life without the burden of disrespect. Although true friendship is limited to a close circle, people are pleasant, and mostly kind. The proof is evident on the streets with the lack of fear and anger in dogs, cats and beggars.

No. Thailand isn't a paradise. Nowhere is. But, for me, America of the 1960s was like a bad marriage at times. Going to university out-of-town, moving around outside my comfort zone; and, more recently, travel has shown me other ways.

We only know what we know until we know better.

As for poor Tom:

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