My Life, My History

!Parental Advisory Explicit Lyrics! SWF Seeking Employment

During the COVID times, I fashioned a noose for myself and hung it in my bathroom. Every morning I got up and put it around my neck and pulled it fucking tight. Wanted to make sure I was going to do it right. I also had a secluded spot picked out by the river where I thought I could just sit there, drink booze, pop some pills, and use my exacto blade to shred my veins.

Only 2 things stopped me. Knowing my cousin (who lived on the other side of the duplex I was living in) would have to deal with my rotting corpse and knowing my suicide would send my mom into the psych ward… and could even trigger her to take her own life.

When I was a kid I used to have to create a barrier with my own body sometimes to stop my mom from getting to the kitchen knives. At least one time, I remember having to pry a big fucking knife right out of her hand.

I still think about taking my life fairly routinely. Doesn’t even seem to matter if things are going “good” or not. Sometimes I do all the “right” things like exercising, eating healthy, getting outside, challenging my brain, reading, writing, creating stuff, and even giving myself time to just “be lazy” and watch a movie… but even still, I sometimes go to very dark places and find myself planning it my suicide in great detail, as follows:

My suicide will be at a secluded location where no one will discover my body for a long time. I will take a large bottle of acetaminophen and ASA and down it with a two six of hard liquor and use my sharp knife to slice into some arteries (pretty sure it’s sharp enough to cut through the thick arterial walls.. veins are easy because the walls are thin, but you aren’t likely to bleed out because of the intrinsic and extrinsic clotting factors… unless you really shred your veins up good… or just pick a major vein like the iliac vein.)

I am also pretty sure my knife is sharp enough that I could jam it up under my rib cage towards my heart and pierce it. I know where and how to properly aim needles and scalpels because I learned in Vet tech school where all the major organs and vessels are and how to access them to get the required sample.

Anyhow,

🎶thanks to my university for helping me better understand anatomy.
So many uses for the knowledge I absorbed there, even though no one really seems to care.
Especially not employers or hiring teams.
They don’t seem to care about the skills I’m advertising.
All useless knowledge and abilities.
My life’s just a waste.
Not sure why I bother continuing with the rat race.🎵

Got fired last week and didn’t even give me a reason. Employer was telling me how I was such an awesome worker: Working hard without anyone telling me what to do, being personable with customers/guests at the restaurant, helping out my teammates with their work when I am not busy, etc. I was told that my suggestive sales were always really high and that he was so happy with the job I was doing.

I guess me saying I would try out the assistant manager position was the nail in my coffin. I never signed anything agreeing to the position or a new wage. I was really unhappy after a couple days and told him, then he said that he was sad I was unhappy, but to give it more time because it would get more fulfilling and purposeful. I gave it another 2 weeks and got more and more miserable every day.

I rarely got to interact with customers and was barely able to talk to co-workers or anything. I felt like a fucking prisoner just standing behind the pass bar and making toast all day.

Anyhow, I told him again how miserable I was and that I wanted to go back to just being a waitress. He said ok and would put me back on the schedule next week.

I showed up for work last Monday (July 17, 2023) all excited to be back to socializing with customers, making drinks, and getting their food orders together… but when I showed up, my boss said he needed to talk to me. He was quiet and then finally said that it was my last shift. Gave me no reason or anything. I just said ok. I barely felt anything at all. Just a brief moment of, how am I going to pay rent and bills and who is going to hire me now after I keep getting fired for no reason or for ridiculous nonsensical reasons all the while being told by my employers how awesome I am at my job and what a hard worker I am. Guess that’s not what anyone wants though. They just want someone to act like a robot and stick to a script. Sorry, that’s not me. I treat others like individuals, I pay attention to their uniqueness, and I try my best to fulfill their requests.

Guess that’s not good enough… just like me… never good enough for anything.

Signing off for now. Time for a Pepsi. 🥤✔️

Another “sing-along” song to be spoken/sung to the tune “Institutionalized” by Suicidal Tendencies ❤️❤️
🎤💥🎶❤️‍🔥