Porthole

18th week of the year 180.

(exercise) = Exor. (observations) = obsv. (s***,shave,shower) = ss&s. (read something) = read. (comment blogs) = bogs. (BoyLove series on-line) = ytBL. (Thai TV BL series on GMMTV25) = tv25. (write poetry or prose) = PorP. (take a daily walk) = walk. (buy something) = shop. (take a photo) = foto. (video) = วิดีโอ. (speak Thai/Lao) = pôod. (learn Thai) Thai. (go-in-the-water) = pool. (clothes) = wash. (cook something) = cook. (tidy up) = mess. (travel) = trip. (noon) = เที่ยง. (talking to ex-pats/travelers/strangers in European) = chat. (Thai teaching book) = book.

23 กรกฎาคม 2566

exor. 400-200-200-400. 10:01-10:29 77-82 degrees.
QotD.

A list of 5 from least to worst:
         5. Having a gun (real or fake... never knew) put to my head. I was cool and collected.
         4. Being forced to drive to the border (I stopped at the precinct instead). I was mindful and focused.
         3. Waking up to someone in my room standing by my closet. I was screaming and hysterical.
         2. Being caught in a riptide, Cahuita, 1974 whilst I was walking alone. I was terrified and panicked!
         1. A couple events from my childhood I cannot remember. I still am frightened of heights/edges and despise birthday parties.

Trauma is never what happens. It's how the body reacts. Being homeless triggered traumas and was traumatizing in itself. I have a whole list for that and other events. My high-anxiety and deep-depression stem from those. I'm actually doing much better these days.

เที่ยง. 82 degrees
ss&s. Put extra lotion on my nose and ear. Skin issues.
bogs. Jennifer/Mouse/Elizabeth/Teresa
Thai. Review of bpai/maa (go/come)
PorP. "Duality [70] 40w J11 'unit'" 
ytBL. Home School ep. 13. The drama was intense.
face. foto of lily.
news.

Re deSantis' Florida: "Another Reddit poster chimed in, “First, they will drive out the trans families and gay-accepting families. Next, they will drive out liberals and democrats. Next, they will drive out any minorities who are able to move away. Finally, when everything is just white, they’ll drown due to the climate change they don’t believe in.”"

shop. rice, soap, greens
pool. met Pookie, Pienneung
pôod. a little.
วิดีโอ. posted.
tv25. "Hidden Agenda" seems to be just another rom-com.

"...or when you die even the worms will reject you."

22 กรกฎาคม 2566

Crash, boom, splash. It rained overnight.

exor. 400/200/200/400 = 1.200 84 degrees 09:13-09:38. spoke to Tom.
ss&s.
bogs. Stik/Tim/Steph/Hooves/Petra
jour. page 5384-5385.
PorP. two in my journal and "Improper? [69] 39w J10 "improper"" 
เที่ยง. Hot. 91 degrees at 13:10.
foto. Hour long photo session with Pan. He needs to understand that as a photographer I think of color, texture, composition, his placement (as an object), lighting... his wants/needs are secondary while I'm shooting. Otherwise, he's just wasting my time. He mostly cooperated and we may have taken over 100 photos; so, I hope he finds one he likes.
face.
news.
blog. "Integration... of working, playing, staying" 
tv25. Enigma.
pool.
walk.
shop. Ground chicken and pork.

To Mary Martin Arnold on fb: "OMG... that is spot on! I remember Brandon... very violent alcoholic. In getting to know him I realised that drugs and alcohol were his meds. His severe depression was one of his main problems."

21 กรกฎาคม 2566

Hotter day today. 88 degrees going on 2 p.m.

exor. 400/200/200/400 = 1.200 It would be nice to do this everyday. 77-81 degrees at 09:38.
obsv. Stationary butterfly = pic. "Dreams of Butterflies"? Green roots of the orchid. Saw a huge 25 cm+ yellow black butterfly but wasn't ready to take video. When I was ready it was high up in a tree. Underside was bright yellow as was its body. I thought it was a bird at first.
face. Posted butterfly pic. "Lime butterfly".
news. Thailand...
ss&s. Late.

s.o.b. ... c.o.p. = short-of-breath ... change-of-position.

bogs. Sonali/Tracker/Robert.
walk.
shop. soap, nam jim.
PorP. "Mother sang solo [66] J9 40w "music"" 
pool. I swam a bit but short-of-breath. Need to work on endurance and breathing.
tv25. Be My Favorite.

I'm really worn out... again and again. Kissinger visits China at age 100. I'll be amazed if I last until 80. I'd like to... and certain choices on my part are helping. But, I'm just worn out. Moving to SiSaKet would be another yearlong commitment... possibly 4 years.

I should write about "A difference a July makes". Last year was brutal and Bry and Angie helped get me through it. This year Pan is helping in ways he's prolly not aware of. I'm doing better, just super worn out.

20 กรกฎาคม 2566

bogs. Maravilla/JimD/Neva

To Neva: "The notion of letting my imagination ... follow the migration of my wandering muse speaks strongly to me."

เที่ยง. 81 cloudy degrees.
exor. 300/200/200/400 = 1.000 Not as tired today.

Muse. Grey pall and the pity of it all, preying for rain like a lonely lion wanting showers to wash away the ennui, a daily refrain in Paradise, now paved and packaged.

ss&s. Cut my toenails.
face. Posted pic of "Ducky and the Dragon fruit".

To Erasmus on spacehook: "Of course, one can do this anywhere. I was grateful for the clouds when I worked out this noon. I will be grateful for the rain this week. I'm grateful for rice, baloney, and raisins? Pan cooked for me this morning and the daily hugs and kisses. And today I seem to have control over my bodily functions... that's a nice power to have."

news. "2 killed in New Zealand" Should we be scared for the Women's World Cup? Not! "Russia to deem Ukraine-bound ships 'potential carriers of military cargo' from Wednesday eve." A much bigger concern with global food repercussions. And then there's this crap: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-12-oldest-schools-in-oklahoma-have-aged-we... I want to know whether the author has ever been to Oklahoma and whether they have ever heard of the Cherokee Nation which opened schools in 1851. White-washing? Hard for me to say because the author seems to be faceless and could just as easily be sitting in NYC or Paris writing. Or even AI... just saying.

PorP. "EttaJames "Something's Got a Hold on Me" [65]40wJ8 'culture'" 
Thai. wai mai = you okay? can I help? https://www.youtube.com/shorts/ln_s8TsKPLY
walk.
shop. Red rose for Pan, lotus for merit, fish, carrot, limes.
pool. Water felt cold! But it's never below 75 at night... I'm feeling more confident every time.
tv25. Home School #8
ytBL. AiLongNhai #2 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJl-Lnhybh8

Plah chon (snakehead) tastes really good with malago (green papaya). We could smell it coming down the hall after swimming.

19 กรกฎาคม 2566

Muse or Mojo? My Muse has been nibbling. I have no Mojo.

exor. 200/100/100/250 = 650. I may rethink how I work out. It was 82 degree when I began after 10 and still 82 when I finished at 10:33.
obsv. Weak... black/white flutterby. Spider hiding under the stationary bicycle. Gnats. A bit of sun. A bit of a breeze. Yesterday I took a photo of a branch peeking out under the bench. Today it's gone; the Grim-Shearers have been doing their job.
Muse: Kindness, cruelty, the urge to criminalize, nitpickers. Dualists and their dueling gods, Salvationists, Kintsugi and embracing imperfections, Nitpickers and Perfectionists, Gatekeepers. Cruely and Punishment. To Judith: "The gnats were troublesome but saw a spider (there hides hope).""You can write the perfect essay but you'll never be an Emily D or James Joyce." Yes, spelling and punctuation have their place... behind the Muse and not blocking their creative vision.
ss&s.
wash. I washed out my black long sleeve undershirt... Should do this every day.
BPbp. 138/77 pulse 67 at 11:11.
food. Pan boiled eggs, peeled them then fried them in oil and added pork and greens. Served over white rice.
foto.
bogs. Nikola/Viv/Judith
face. I checked in. I should check in every day but limit it.
news. The same. Check in once per day but limit it.
เที่ยง. 86 cloudy degrees.
ytBL. อัยย์หลงไน๋ AiLongNhai. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNiWCfKR-4w
walk. Saw Vigo.
shop. Lotus... mouthwash and bouillon cubes.
pool. I actually 'swam' a bit without panicking. I'm making progress.
tv25. Home School #7 and part of Wedding Plan The Series แผนการ (รัก) ร้ายของนายเจ้าบ่าว
Thai. verb particles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7kJttNs9aM
PorP. "David's a cold embrace [64] 40w J7 'value'" 

Shadows and Light

To Nikola: "I have experienced the abuse of "we'll vote on it". Don't get me started on "voting" on my basic human rights, code for "we get to justify our dislike of you". Seems to be a popular stance these days. If they refuse the time-off they don't value you as a human being."

Thailand: https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/in-thailand-socially-engaged-buddhism-goes-...

18 กรกฎาคม 2566

exor. 300/150/200/350 = 1.000 cloudy, 79 degrees at 09:01; 82 at 09:24. For now, this is an okay level.
ss&s. after exercise instead of waiting.
obsv.
bogs. JoeyC/Wordsmitty/Pumpkin
Thai. Causative 'tam' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2CO6yKyUnY
pool. I'm gaining confidence.
foto. beautiful sunset!
PorP. "Nix it, nexit [63] J6 40w" 
walk.

Saw Tom; a toddler watching me; a low branch of a bush sneaking under the bench, reaching out for the sun; last night's puddles; overcast relief.

Today's puddles reflect the grey sky but provide no crystal ball for tomorrow. If there comes a rain, so be it. A new puddle will reflect the new reality. Just as the puddles of my childhood remain a memory of a mystery.

This week's forecast is 87/75 with rain possible every day. I do prefer the rain. I also find it easier to be outside when it's cloudy. That said, puffy clouds are welcome. A searing sun is not at this time of year.

Food Cooking

17 กรกฎาคม 2566

exor. 200/50+100/200/350 = 900 Forced myself. 84 degrees at 09:29
obsv.
ss&s.
walk. University... with Pan. He wants to go to school.
foto.
shop. with Pan. Dragon fruit, papaya, EGGS!
pool. we went down after 7 but there was lightning so we didn't stay in but for a few minutes.
ytBL. Enigma.
bogs. Katwoman/Sonali/Joy

After 200 'steps' and 50 'swings' I felt weak and had to sit down, so I looked around for movement: butterflies , bugs?, bees? Shadows dappled the smooth pavement (too smooth = slippery when wet), stray thoughts, spare breeze, a large ant, a small one. The roar of jets, silent pale wings aloft (a plane?), the uncertainty of an old realm resisting change. Let my thoughts wander - but back to the workout - and pain. 100 more 'swings' Jet flying low. The sun seems to have shifted the shadows a month after the solstice. 200 'twists', 350 revolutions of the stationary bicycle. It was warm but not too hot.

To Chris Carpenter on FB (friend of Renae): "And that's a poor choice made by penny-pinchers and narrow-minded societies. It won't be that way everywhere. That said, it's a bit late to be fighting this war now. Still worth the effort imho. The Japanese and Cherokee have protected and supported the masters of traditional art forms. That's not enough though... just like heirloom vegetables or artifacts, all ancient knowledge (pre-AI) needs to be valued enough to be kept alive. But we chose money over knowledge, and GenZ and GenAlpha will pay the price with their ignorance bequeathed by the Nouveau Narrow-minded who are gaining power globally."

To Sonali: "Was I deeply in love with my community years ago? Was that why I was generous? And once trust was broken... as I was broken... did my generosity die as well..."

Ahimsa. Peace Always.

40 words:

07/19/2023-'value' Of what worth the comma? Confusion avoided. And they're, their, and there? Mere grammar. Just correct it. The object can be perfected; but David in marble is a cold embrace. Seek the imperfect among the living and know your worth.
07/20/2023-'culture' The petri dish seemed bland and boring until you arrived...
07/21/2023-'music' My mother loved singing harmony but never truly blended into society or either family.
07/22/2023-'improper' That would be my middle name or me when I'm riled up with rage from your abuse. You chuckle as I make a spectacle of myself.
07/23/2023-'unit' Duality: One. One. One. Zeros and ones. My number is very common but it loses its color, its sound, its flavor when reduced to units of zeros and ones. Call me humanity's better-half twin... if you can count that high. 38

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