Porthole

Week 13 of the Year 180

(exercise) = Exor. (observations) = obsv. (s***,shave,shower) = ss&s. (read something) = read. (comment blogs) = bogs. (BoyLove series on-line) = ytBL. (Thai TV BL series on GMMTV25) = tv25. (write poetry or prose) = PorP. (take a daily walk) = walk. (buy something) = shop. (take a photo) = foto. (video) = วิดีโอ. (speak Thai/Lao) = pôod. (learn Thai) Thai. (go-in-the-water) = pool. (clothes) = wash. (cook something) = cook. (tidy up) = mess. (travel) = trip.

18/06/66

It's a rainy morning on a Red Day. 79 degrees at 08:26. Will I be smart enough to go out in it? Another note: my feet are bothering me a tad. I haven't been in the pool in over a week... does that help? Possibly. Just like lotion helps my face and walking helps me psychologically and exercising helps me put my pants on (my right thigh seems to be stronger and I stand better). Small things. Motion is life. Even the aggravation of living with someone teaches me lessons.

To Mike: "I'm definitely left-handed which can be an advantage but apparently I also have two left feet. I can move for a moment and then I lose it. Maybe Musa Motha has an advantage by not having a left foot at all. He's definitely an alouette.

One of the most amazing dance performances ever. You really need to watch this.

"

"To Stik: Warning: opinions and advice...

I try to take photos of Pannya, but he's not artistic in a creative way. He always wants to look like a model. Bleh...

Thailand has standards of beauty: light skin, tall (for men), with a perfect complexion. Pan is 26... and that's old.

And he won't smile unless he puts on a fake smile. Because? He just can't be himself. He thinks he's ugly. Frustrating. Plus... black/white photos are for dead folks not the living. Forget art photos!

Thailand is demographically young and the BL film industry (geared for selling products to teenagers) has been criticized about "the look" (like 1950s Hollywood). Now it's trying to portray roles outside of the boring (oh... very very boring... think 1980s white-folk-sitcoms). But... I watched a "show" last night of some of the best in the industry and cringed. It's sing/dance/pose...

Fortunately in Thai BL series they have great writers, camera crews, cinematography, music, directors, coaches, and actors who rise to the occasion (most of the time... it's still too commercial).

So, subject. IMO, find men who are willing to embrace a range of emotions, willing to take directions, and will let YOU do the picture-taking! I would suggest video and use a frame... or a camera with a fast shutter speed as movement is an issue for me (maybe you don't have that problem?).

Good luck finding someone who isn't vain. Maybe just take thousands of photos of everyday people?

Me just blithering, but I am truly frustrated."

bogs. Mike/Stik/Sorji
exor. 200/50(mild back pain)/100/250 = 600. 77 degrees 10:30 - 11:00.
obsv. damp 'cool' cloudy, pesky flies, oblivious ants, no uncles see, white flowers strewn, hoots near and far, something hovering like a hummer (no hummingbirds in Thailand) gone in a flash, swallows swooping.

เที่ยง 77 degrees Grey but brightening.

ss&s. Late.
Thai. Mood particles https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHv-h2LxdA
walk. Ate at Koala. Met Sam (Lars) from Goteborg at Sports Bar.
shop. Sea bass, vanilla ice cream.
foto.
ytBL.
tv25. Out with Pan and friend.
read.

17/06/66

exor. 200/75/100/300 = 675; 79 degrees at 08:30.
obsv.
PorP.

Observed, worked-out, wrote, spoke to Rick. He confirms the wisdom of my approach. It's possible to treat this as a do-nothing vacation. That would not be wise. I originally intended to travel around Isan... so much for plans. But I have adjusted to a variety of objectives that provide an overall routine. It was disrupted by our SiSaKet/KhunHan trip, especially my workout, but I'm back to the routines.

bogs. Nikola/Mouse/Rhychus

To N: "A new member of your family! Enjoy. I have to remind myself to be grateful that I seldom get headaches, never get migraines. Mind you I'm a pain-in-the-other-end. Friends will confirm that."

ss&s.
foto. food, lotus

82 degrees at 10 am. Pan is still in bed. I'll try to get as much done before he stirs. It's wash day. And Saturday... but days of the week don't mean as much here. People tend to work every day. This isn't a 6/1, 5/2 or 3/1/2/1 culture.

FU and the Unicorn you rode in on... need to address hyper-vigil and paranoic GenZ (mostly women) Boomers (mostly men) and others. I was the smiling child who wanted to connect with strangers because I couldn't around family. And now I'm supposed to respect you by reading your mind and not speaking to you? FU!

About this: https://www.msn.com/en-us/video/news/pittsburgh-synagogue-shooter-is-found-guilt... It took 5 years and it's not over. What a waste! I do not believe in the death penalty but it's much cheaper and less stressful for everyone when the cops murder (shoot with intent to kill) the suspect instead of capture them. Unfortunately, the US is racist and more p.o.c. are murdered in this way over traffic stops then white folks put in jail for murder caught on video.

11:00 and Sleeping Beauty has arisen from his slumber. 86 degrees.

เที่ยง 88 degrees

read. Chapter 32... 6 more to go. "Invalid Item" 
Thai. Animals. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4f4A44u7IU
ytBL. Our Skyy Vice Versa | EP.2

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/takeaways-from-the-scathing-report-on-minne...

It's 16:46 and I'm happy to report that today went better. It would be nice to have no-drama days when I felt loved and accepted. I should be grateful for these few moments.

Thought for the "poetry of isolation": its voice hushed by the turmoil of daily life / it sits inside me begging to be birthed / the weight of it a feather eager to fly / what belies its belief in eternity / what awaits its final demise // as it joins the other forgotten utterances / shared with the imploding void. / the scent of it floats through fluttering leaves / alights like a butterfly lost in dreams // here in the closet of forget-all-this / it whimpers to be released / allowed to become alive.

walk.
wash. I hung up the wash that Pan did earlier.
tv25. I watched some BGT. Not amused by the gmmtv show tonight.

16/06/66

exor. 200/50/75/200 82 degrees at 8:30
ss&s. Meanwhile... Pan got a haircut.
bogs. Phyllis/Mike/Angr
Thai. Family https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YZeDDJEOns
เที่ยง 90 degrees
shop. seasoning, bread. Sprinkles at 14:00 and 18:00. pink rose, lotus, donuts.
ytBL. Our Skyy Vice Versa | EP.1 Really cute.
foto. caught the sunset.
tv25. But saw only half and I'm just not into it at the moment.
read. Chapter 28&29.

To Lilli: "Thank you. I almost feel like an adult now. But... what's really sad is how few have been here at WdC longer than me. When my mother (99) died I also found out that my aunt (93) had died. They were the last of their generation.

So... anniversaries are also sad. So many years writing... so many missed opportunities. At least today was a good day in-real-life.

To Tina: "Thank you... I just wish folks were more willing to engage me when I'm contrary. I stay here out of habit. WdC and I fell out-of-love long ago.

I feel okay here when I'm part of a large multi-cultural community. I'm not a groupie nor a cheery cheerleader tossing a long blonde pony-tail with a pasted-on smile (real or fake) for "our" team. I never have been. So... I'm lucky to have any friendly associates here at all, or at least folks who will tolerate me. I don't feel the love I used to feel.

But then... I don't feel embraced in Montana or Thailand either.

If I dive off our balcony it won't be because I was pushed; it will be because I want to fly."

15/06/66

Not a restful night for me. Pan was fast asleep and I felt alone. Got up reasonably early (before 8).

exor. 200/50/50/200 82 degrees at 09:15.
obsv. 2 hooting birds, jet, train, breeze, dying flowers (lasted about 2 weeks?)
ytBL. Past-Senger Ep. 11 and 12. Finished!

"Yep. Here in Thailand (I'm in conservative Isan) no one seems to care about the age difference between me and my boyfriend. For Bamee this is a forgotten lapse of time, for Kiew it's a moment he has waited for all his life. But yes... bittersweet is a good choice of words. And that... could've used 2 more episodes to resolve. Or a trilogy. Part 1 ends when he returns. Part 2 is resolving issues with his mom and friend while being patient while Bamee grew up. Part 3. the reunion... having to get to know each other again... the realization... the rekindling... and whatever obstacles put in their way. At that point whether they get together or not is less important to the story (although possibly heart-breaking to the viewer if bittersweet)."

"I thought the ending was a bit abrupt. A couple more episodes would've been nice for Bamee to remember what he'd forgotten and for Kiew to rekindle what must be a very fond but hazy memory (like an old photograph).

Also I realize that BL is written for a teenage female audience (that the rest of us get to enjoy) and that most of those who comment here and elsewhere are probably GenZ. BUT... This is Thailand. Age and sexuality do not present the same barriers found in the USA, UK or EU, or even elsewhere in Asia (Taiwan, Korea, Japan are very different as is their BL). Mind you... Thailand isn't a LGBTQ+ paradise; but, here in Isan, a conservative Buddhist region, I've been shocked by the acceptance me and my boyfriend receive in spite of our obvious age difference."

read. Up to Chapter 27 "Invalid Item" 

"Chapter 27. Very intrigued. Now I understand what's going on... kinda... wouldn't be shocked if you had a surprise or two left.

That said... still a bit lost now and then. If this were a TV series like the Thai BL I watch then it would be easy. 4 segments each episode with a recap at the beginning and an enigmatic teaser at the end. We'd know what time/place we were in by other techniques... dress... haircut... lighting... Maybe not perfectly as this is tricky but there are Thai directors, screen-play writers and cinematographers, not to forget actors and actresses that could handle this! "6 main and supporting characters" is done all the time. The darkness has shown up in "Not Me" and is being explored as Thai TV expands past traditional soap-operas or single-genre main-stream offerings.

This should probably be read all-at-once. It's not long, so one day would suffice for a quick reader.

I will finish this soon as I don't want it to be drawn out longer than it was meant to be."

walk. Got to talk with Rick on the way back.
foto.
Thai. Polite questions. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZmXYmvxT4Q&t=13s
pôod.
tv25. Special Show. Making me a bit sad. Feeling so inadequate. Still not a fan of this silliness.

Ovi? Not yet... "xx I bask in x moonbeams / while eating strawberry ice cream, / sprinkled with malted ovaltine, / leave none for you. // x I scrape the xx bowl clean, / it's not that I mean to be mean. / You lie there self-absorbed by dreams / and sleep unaware."

bogs. Gonzo/Sonali/Robert

14/06/66

Not all daze are Equal. Disclaimer: I stay away from artificial sweeteners. Got to station by 06:55. I was open and there were only a few scattered seats available. We didn't sit together. I was in #22 and Pan behind me in #26. The bus was nice, comfortable. They gave us water. Left 08:30 and arrived before 16:00. Very quick. No bad weather, no accidents or blockage. Easy-peasy.

I didn't sleep well because I wasn't sure about Pan's alarm. I heard it... fortunately because getting Pan out of bed isn't easy. Had rice and pork for breakfast - the usual. Having fish (sea bass) and rice for supper.

read. Up to chapter 23. Read on the bus.
ss&s.
exor. 100/50/50/200. Easing back in. Back has given me problems. 91 degrees at 17:55. Some shadows.
foto. From bus mostly.
walk. But too much sitting on the bus.

shop. Jar for Milo. Vegetables.
ytBL. Past-Senger Ep. 10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5kDHTApUeQ
tv25. Special show.

I'm very tired, worn out, depressed. I just want Pan to hold me. He's in bed already but I'm trying to hold out until 21:30 before I collapse.

13/06/66

28°C 82°F at 08:40 in SiSaKet. No bus to catch today. Pan sleeps in. I was up around 07:30 and I'm on my second coffee.

bogs. Jennifer/Jim/Steph
ytBL. Past-Senger Ep. 9 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5iWZF2IHIoQ

We went out to eat. I tried a shrimp but it must've had a chili on it. I had to spit it out (but washed it off later and ate it). I had a sneezing fit. Not good, but it really confirms whatever is going on with me and chili.

read. Through chapter 14. "Invalid Entry" 

Noon. 32°C 90°F

Walked to Huai Nam Kwam... a lake, a park, an aquarium (closed). Took lots of photos. Very long hot walk.

foto. 16:00
walk. 16:00

32°C 87°F 16:24

12/06/66

81 degrees and blue skies. It wept yesterday evening after a downpour in the late afternoon. Room is too cold for me. A/c isn't always wonderful. Today our plans: we go to the doctor and back to SiSaKet.

read. Chapter 7, 8.
ss&s. Shaved.
ytBL. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hlyEJzfMlo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6F9zQ1LG0uo
88°F 31°C at 11:00.

Oh... don't even get me started about sitting at the clinic for 5 hours. Imo, Pan considers sleeping and drinking water and eating more important than actually getting any place in a timely matter.

79°F 26°C in SiSaKet at 21:30 after light sprinkles.

trip. Bus from Khun Han to SiSaKet.
foto. sunset, rice fields.
bogs. Charity/Tracker/Johnny
pôod. a little
walk. A day of sitting at the clinic, sitting on the bus for 1:45 = no walking.

Two nights in T4 Hotel = 1.300 baht (last night was 350 baht). Yes, it's relative. One night in a hostel can be 300-400 baht/person. So this is reasonable.

To Johnny: "I agree with ideals and goals in spite of what others pursue or block; but, goals without measurable objectives are abstract and 'squishy'.

One example from my experience... I had a bbq in my garden for 15 years on August 28th for MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech. I invited a wide range of people. Usually 30-80 came. I may never know the impact but it was an act I could measure."

To Charity: "There are different stages of life each with its own struggles and joys.

I 'sacrifice' to travel. Not so hard for me now but I may have to make new sacrifices when I stop. I live in about 300 sq. ft. both in Montana and in Thailand. It's what I'm used to. However, that too will change."

Pan was in bed by 9 pm. It's 22:39 and I'm exhausted.

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