Complex Numbers

Choice Responses

"None of your business" is always an acceptable response to a nosy question.

    So you don't want kids. Here's how to respond to unwanted comments  

A growing share of childless adults in the U.S. don't expect to ever have children, according to a 2021 Pew Research Center survey. Some people gave specific reasons, like medical conditions or finances, but a lot of people said they just don't want to.

And yet, almost no one ever asks "Why do/did you want children?"

No one needs to give a reason for their life choices. If pressed, "I just (don't) want to" should more than suffice.

If that's you, you might find yourself facing unwanted commentary or questions. Angela L. Harris can relate. She's child-free by choice, and she says people often question her choice or want to know all the details.

What details? Kids are messy and chaotic and smelly, and a net drain on resources? Those are the details that matter.

She says, first of all, to remember that you don't owe anyone an explanation: "If you don't feel like explaining, don't explain. Your life is your life."

See? Even the psychologist agrees with me.

Sometimes Harris' responses might be more sincere; other times, she opts for levity. "I think there's a playful and joking way in which you can respond," she says.

Thing is, having kids, or not, is the actual definition of a major life choice. And yet, you don't get a lot of "Why did you buy that house?" or "Why didn't you choose a hybrid car?" with some slightly less major life choices. Any of those choices usually involve not just one, but a myriad of reasons, and sometimes entire pros and cons lists. There's rarely, if ever, just one reason why someone does something. I know I don't even get out of bed unless I can think of at least two reasons why I should.

The article then presents a few of the questions, and her answers, in graphic meme form because that's the only way to get attention these days, except for short-attention-span vertical videos.

Format notwithstanding, they're all good answers, even if they do present the questioners in a rather unflattering manner. Even nosy people are often well-meaning, and I'm inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.

Harris acknowledges that having this conversation with your parents or your partner can be difficult. She stresses waiting until you feel ready to have the discussion.

Okay, sure, parents, I understand. But it seems to me that having this discussion with a potential partner as early as possible would be a good way to avoid wasting the time and energy of everyone involved. Back when I was still dating, I tried to determine pretty quickly if she had baby-rabies, and broke it off before either of us got involved in something we didn't want.

If one partner wants seven kids and the other wants two, perhaps a compromise can be reached. But if one absolutely wants kids and the other definitely does not, well, there's no compromise there (unless you're one of those assholes who abandon your family).

Your Turn: If you're child-free by choice, we'd love to hear how you respond to unsolicited questions and comments.

Well, I won't be commenting to NPR, but that's one of the many reasons I have a blog.

"Don't you want a little Waltz running around?" Oh, hell, no; I remember what I was like as a kid.

"If you wait until you can afford them, you never will." And?

"Who will take care of you when you're old?" Bringing another life into a dying world just so you can have free nursing later in life is the absolute pinnacle of selfishness.

"What do you have against children?" Nothing (usually). As with dogs, I think they're just fine; I just don't want to own one.

"Why don't you want kids?" Why do you?

"When are you going to have kids?" When there's a shortage.