Therapy session: what do I want?

The first one

They say getting rid of the Ex is a hard thing to do. Why is that? I don’t know. It was easy for me. All I had to do was hang up on the jerk and it was over. See, he lived in Mexico and was an illegal. He could not cross over to bother me. It was so easy to just hang up on him and never think of him again. The relief I felt that day. It was beautiful…
Well, the easy part was to leave him in the past physically but mentally, now that is a whole different ball park. This might be all over the place because he also plays a huge role in my life. He was the first guy I actually gave a chance to be mine. The first guy I actually called my boyfriend and then later my fiance. When I first met him, he lived with my mother and the Beast. You see, he was the beast’s nephew. Big red flag, right? Why would I go out with a guy that had the same blood as the man that swore to destroy me. But I could not blame him for that, right? In fact, this guy was sweet and shy. He could not look me in the eyes when we first met. He just said “hello.” and then walk away from me. He had just arrived from Mexico and was living with my “parents.” I never had any intention to be with him. Especially since he was only here to work and then one day go back home. But sure enough he asked me out. And, at first, I avoided the whole situation because I did not want to be with someone who would eventually leave.
I forgot to mention his name. Let’s call him Munch. He was nice, at first. Really seemed to like me. In fact, on our first date, we went to the club inside the Casino. He was buying me one drink after the other, which was a midori sour. He later told me that he did not buy girls any fancy drink. Only beer. And since I was special, he wanted to show me that he could… I guess, afford me? Weird, right. I believed it at the time and thought the jester was strange but sweet. Of course the beast was not happy to hear that his nephew was interested in me. In fact, the beast was always in our business. Spreading lies and even telling Munch not to take me seriously. And if he only wanted a quick lay, I was there to be spread wide open. The beast hated me for so many reasons I have yet to expose. The point is that we broke up because of whatever the beast had put in his head. I had walked away but soon after Munch came back. But he came back with different intentions. Something that I would soon see for myself. This person that came back was not the same person I liked. He was now a miniBeast. This man had broken me, but at the same time, he helped me realize the best in me. I know that might sound weird. I am sure I will speak of him throughout this journey. The reason why I brought him up is because when I think of him and how it all ended, I realize that he was someone I just put it on the back burner and never really dealt with. There was so much trauma that when it was “over” I did not bother to try to fix whatever damage it caused me. All I know, for now, is that he was my first boyfriend that I thought I was in love with. Later to realize that it was lust. And that he was only introduced to my mom because Munch was a default. ( I never had the opportunity to introduce a guy (that really came from me) to my mom.) Munch was already there, a convenience, just like I was to him. Hmm, now that I am writing this down I start to realize that there are always signs when something is not meant to be. (Like when I dated a guy named Ricky. There were several times that we were in the middle of…um… being intimate, and the song from Korn: Freak on a leash, would be playing. There is a part that says: “You and I aren’t meant to be. A cheap F*ck for me to lay…” Which I was in the end. Another sign I did not pay attention to until years later.) I guess it's true when they say once you truly open your eyes you start to see things that were always there, right in front of you.