My Life, My History

The End

My uncle got sick at the end of 2016. He died Easter Sunday 2017. My grandmother died the day before Mother's day, 2017. I didn't feel like anything was real anymore after that. I just felt like I was floating around in the world and nothing really mattered anymore. I was no longer sure what the point of anything was. I kept on going to work, but I never felt like I was present in the moment. I just went through all the motions like an automatron robot. Doing my job, but I didn't even feel like I was in my body anymore. I felt barely functional, but I kept doing all the things I was supposed to do. Going to work, doing all the household chores, taking care of all the finances, exercising, and all the rest of the mundane routine life stuff. I stopped eating, and then shortly after, I stopped sleeping as well. I felt nothing at all, just numb. Nothing really mattered anymore, but I tried hard to pretend that everything was fine.

I tried to talk to my "husband" (in quotations because he was a poor excuse for a husband; he's a poor fucking excuse of a man as well) about all this, who I am very happily divorced from since February 3, 2020, but he didn't understand. He yelled at me and told me I needed to snap myself out of this depression. He told me he needed me to go back to being his rock. He had not really been supportive at all throughout the relationship anyhow, so I'm not sure that this really came as a shock to me, but it was certainly the catalyst for the end of the "relationship".

I remember not long after this, later in 2017, maybe early 2018 (we separated in early-mid 2018) I had lost a lot of weight from not eating and spending about 2-5 hours daily exercising. Exercise basically consumed my every waking moment. I guess that was my way of dealing with the deaths and my feelings, or avoiding my feelings, however you want to look at it and however you want to call it. For me, it felt like the only thing I could exercise control over as I had no control over any other aspect of my life because I was in such a controlling "relationship" where my every conversation and interaction with other human beings, online, in-person, or even via video games, was strictly monitored, regulated, and constantly interrupted by my ex. Anyhow, I remember waking up one morning and he tried to touch me or hug me or something, and I recoiled. That was a pretty standard reaction for me, but this time, he said something to me that still makes me feel sick. He said, "You finally look so good, and now you won't let me touch you." Wow, good to know that I never looked good until that moment. What an asshole.