A Compendium of Carrolls

C1 - The Housemaid

I am quite sure there is something wrong with this prompt. A 'strange turn of events' leads my pets to think they are in charge? We have two cats, named Esther and Martha. They being cats naturally they assume we are their 'helpers' at all times, every single day. We also have a dog named Lucy, who thinks of my wife and I as 'Biscuits' and 'Sausages'.

Typically we serve as chef; maid/waiter; masseur; hair stylist; chauffeur, (for those unfortunately necessary trips to the vet, and of course, rather more pleasantly, trips to the seaside for Lucy); and delivery drivers, bringing in sacks of dog food and cans/sachets of cat food.

The cats are quite impatient. They firmly believe that it is 'never too early to feed the cats'. Should we go out for whatever reason, including work, we are likely to be greeted on our return with the following, (which is sung to the tune of Oh Come All Ye Faithful):

Why are we waiting,
Whhhhhyyy are we waiting,
My tail thinks my throat's been cut,
I am so hungry,
Pity me I'm starving,
Oh hurry up and feed us,
Oh hurry up and feed us,
Oh hurry up and feed ussssss,
Riiiiiiggght Now!

Both cats have their own specific dining accoutrements, and will often wait impatiently for the other to 'finish', so that they can peruse the plate for missed morcels.

If they have to wait too long, then it is just as well that Esther has Domino Pizza on speed-dial. "Hello! Yes it's Esther. Two Anchovy surprises please. Yes, with extra anchovies. Thank you." These naturally appear charged to my card the following month.

I'm actually privy to a lot of what is said by our cats, and they have particularly distinctive voices.

"Meh" is a favourite, being an expression of general disgust with the servants lack of alacrity, or general stupidity in interpreting orders.

Esther likes to go out when there is a fine drizzle of rain, then come in and meow pointedly, to indicate that she should be stroked with a clean tissue because "It's good for the fur."

Lucy is a connoisseur of sausages, and whilst we are out at work she will don her curlers, pink fluffy slippers and dressing gown, to put her paws up and flick through 'Sausage Weekly', 'Bavarian Sausage Monthly', or any number of seemingly similar titles. Many come with free samples, which is, I gather, a large part of the appeal. On our return, (bearing in mind we work in a breakfast food shop), she may be lucky enough to enjoy a specially cooked sausage as garnish for her dinner. This will be set aside in the morning in 'Lucy's lunch box'.

She also enjoys barbecues, as before anything else is cooked, two 'Sausages for a Certain Dog', will be prepared and set to cool, so that she can enjoy them when we eat too.

On trips to Wales, she will expect sausages at lunchtime, and be impatient when they take time to cool. She is usually forced, FORCED I say, to eat a few chips to 'keep her going'. Lucy it has to be said lives in constant fear of 'wasting away'.

They have quite busy lives. Esther is a super villain, (Bond Movies being highly inaccurate about the relationship between Blofeld and his fluffy white cat). She has a secret lair beneath the house, and everywhere is either bugged, or swarming with her agents keeping an eye on things.

Martha is mechanically minded, and maintains a motorbike, with a sidecar that Esther uses to accompany her. They like to go to Fishguard, or Catford for day trips.

Esther has a love of fair rides, and when there is a fair locally, she will be missing much of the day and evening, though we will here, "meowwowmoewwowowowowowow meeeooow." as she spins up in the air. Fairground owners all know and fear her, so she usually rides for free all day.

Lucy has her own secret life. She is good friends with John at the Emergency Luggage Dept. of Harrods, and Sue at Marks & Spencers Cheese and Onion Sandwiches for Lucy Department. Together these stalwarts help her organise the convoys of sausage filled pantechnicon vans that accompany Lucy on even day trips to the seaside.

Life with the three of them is never boring, and Esther even occasionally refers to me affectionately(!) as 'The Lump'.

WORD COUNT & PROMPT ▼

Word Count: 738 Words.

1. "The Housemaid" – In a strange turn of events, your pet has mistaken you for the help. Describe a typical day when it's in charge. Short story (<1000 words) or poem (<40 lines).