A Compendium of Carrolls

B3 - Alice's Right Foot

As I was sleepily sunning myself by the seaside in Southend, quite unexpectedly one of my legs drifted off from me, and across the shore till it disappeared, out of sight behind a van selling ice-creams.

"At an improbability of two to the power of seventy-five thousand to one against." Said a helpful voice, right in my ear.

I swung around in time to see Bugs Bunny strolling away in the opposite direction to my leg. He was nonchalantly nibbling the flake of a large 99 cone.

Scrambling to my feet. Err! To my foot, I lurched over to the ice-cream van.

"What can I get for you GNP?" Enquired the vast and politically correct Porcupine, who was wearing an apron improbably animated with a depiction of Bugs Bunny wandering away with a disproportionally large cone.

"Have you seen my leg?" I asked, sounding I hoped someone calmer than circumstances would seem to dictate.

"No. Why, what's happened to it?"

"That is what i am rather hoping to find out, you see it's disappeared."

"Ah! legerdemain." The porcupine said knowledgeably.

"I don't think the Germans were involved," I fired back, "and by the the way, what does GNP mean?"

"Gender Neutral Pronoun GNP. You'd better try the Lost Leggage Department at British Rail."

"But British Rail was sold off last century, and don't you mean 'Lost Luggage Department."

To paraphrase Mr. Prefect, "Me, I don't mean anything GNP."

And that seemed to be that, so I strode along, albeit rather half-heartedly to find the Lost Leggage Department. I need a sign. I thought to myself. I looked up just in time to avoid walking into a road sign.

"Mind yerself mate." said a man walking past with an 'End of the World Is Nigh' sign, closely followed by a woman with a 'Bill Nighy has nothing to do with it' sign.

Pausing I stared up hard at the sentences above. Sorry! I said to myself. I should have been more specific, I need a sign to the Lost Leggage Department.

"Coo-ee Love." A large lady wearing a pince-nez and a purple top hat trimmed with what looked suspiciously like rabbit's fur, although rabbit's fur dyed bright yellow.

"It's over there." She continued, waving her arm in the general direction of the train station.

I thanked her, crossed the road carefully, and made my way into the Station. Explaining to the man at the barriers, who was very helpful, I found myself standing precariously on the platform.

Looking up and down the platform, I noticed myself being observed by a hawk-headed gentleman clutching a large cup of Star-bucks finest, and a folded copy of the times. I could tell it was Star-bucks as it had their logo of a leaping rabbit with a star for an eye.

"It's next to the W.H. Smith's" Said the gentleman, somewhat omnisciently I thought. But I took myself off to the small counter tucked unobtrusively next to Smith's, and rapped lightly on the wood.

A huge frog appeared.

"Yes?" He croaked, unenthusiastically. "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for my leg." I decided to get straight to the heart of the matter.

"Hop it." He croaked.

Stunned, I turned to leave, pausing as I heard the unmistakable sound of a frog laughing.

"Sorry, sorry, my little joke GNP. So you've lost your leg. Never mind, it could be worse, you could be blind drunk."

"Excuse me?" I asked, more puzzled than annoyed.

"Then you'd have lost both your eyes and been legless." The Frog laughed in that long croaky sort of manner, peculiar to frogs.

"Oh, yes, erm, very funny, but can you help me?"

"Oh yes GNP, Very likely I can help. Which one is it?"

You know what is ridiculous? I actually looked down before replying,

"The right one."

"It's probably enjoying the pleasures of being foot loose and fancy free." Deadpanned the frog.

"Don't you feel a heel at all, using all these awful puns?" I countered.

"Not even a little," Said the Frog gleefully, "Now toe the line please, and I'll see what I can do."

He shuffled back into an area full of lost limbs.

"You'd be surprised how often it happens you know GNP." He called from deeper inside his hoard.

"Some limb legging it." He supplied helpfully as I stared in bewildered confusion.

"Now, is this yours?" He held up a very shapely and decidedly feminine leg.

"No, mine's not like that."

He examined the proffered leg closely.

"No, I can see that now. This one's probably waiting for a glass slipper to claim it."

"Do you recognise this one.? Famous this one is." The frog waved the stump of a hairy leg at me.

"Famous?" I managed, sounding a little croaky myself by this point.

"Leg-end. Get it? Leg-end, legend?"

I was about to hop over the counter and deal with this infuriating amphibian, when I heard the familiar tones of one Bugs Bunny, drawling."

"Nerrr! What's up Doc?"

He was holding my leg.

"There you go Doc. It was trying to get ahead of itself."

I didn't even want to think about the anatomical possibilities this implied.

Thanking him profusely, I took my leg and restored it to it's rightful (now right full of leg), position.

On my way back to the beach with Bugs, I bought us both a 99 Flake cone.

WORD COUNT & PROMPT ▼

Word Count: 897 Words.

3. "Alice's Right Foot" - Unable to find her feet, Alice decides to send presents to them. Write a short story (<1000 words) or poem (<40 lines) about missing a body limb and your attempts to find it. Letter writing optional.