My Personal Goals

Personal realization

Could I possibly be afraid to lose weight? Could I be afraid to be a healthy size?

I think the answer might be yes. When I thought back to when I really started to put on weight. It was right after I was molested by my uncle. Actually, I don't like to admit it, but that's how I lost my virginity. It was after that when the weight really began to be put on. I think subconsciously, food was my coping mechanism and safe haven. Food made everything better. I was taught by my mother to calm my nerves with food. We would make up from an argument over ice cream.

My dad loved all-you-can-eat buffets. Food was one of the few pleasant experiences we all had in common. I never thought about it, but putting on weight made me less attractive. I know I am beautiful, but when you have been abused, you don't always want that kind of attention. The thing is, even heavy, I still attract attention. I have a personality where even when I am quiet, you know I am there. I have been told I have a presence about me. I can be a leader and outgoing, or I can blend into the background if I need to. But I guess my personality just screams, “Hey, everyone, I am here!”

It is hard to realize and admit this. I want to be attractive, but I don't want to be constantly sexualized. Unfortunately, there are some very disgusting and sick people among us. Many we are unaware of. I have had the unfortunate experience of meeting some of them. Unfortunately also, it doesn't always matter what size you are. It doesn't matter how you dress. Although, do know if you dress provocatively, some people will take that as an open invitation to rape you. I am sorry for being so blunt, but I am telling you it's true.

Because of some of my past experiences, I have seen first hand some of the not so nice side of life. There are some very dark evils out there. Count yourself fortunate if you are not aware of it. I wish I didn't know about some of it.

I think my emotional eating has some very deep dark roots and it is going to take some time and counseling to get past it. In the meantime, I have got to start losing this weight. Losing 2 pounds and putting back on 3 isn't cutting it. I have got to get a grip on myself.