Porthole

Ides of October [ASR]

Part 1

Halfway through the month and I feel like my wheels are spinning as I sit here in bed contemplating The Void (a.k.a. my future).

Merry's call interrupted my thoughts. I got to see her on Messenger and she got to see my awesome hair (uncut for two years). She wasn't scared .

I'm 'sunken' and my skin isn't good and ... no use looking in mirrors.

My father and uncle lived to age 82. My grandfathers 73 and 75. I'm aiming low.

And no... that's not being negative. The reality is that I'm slipping in so many ways. Do I really want to outlive myself?

I need to do that WDC Will, need to talk to Nick, need to get a grip and salvage what I can before the lights go out.

Part 2

Saturday: farmers market winding down until the 30th. Check mail.
Sunday: wash clothes every three to four weeks. I might not go out.
Monday: see friends if I get out of bed.
Tuesday: see Monday.
Wednesday: regular market.
Thursday: Billi Jo's worker Angie stops by and we chat. I might see friends.
Friday: see Monday.

I used to have a different rhythm. I used to have a life.

Part 3

Yeah... I need to ramp up my writing. Contest entries are due and I'd love to enter "Poetry Song Contest"  as it's only twice a year.

Need to have a more disciplined approach to learning Thai, but reading and watching TV series are helping me understand the cadence of the language and the culture.

1. You defer to your parent's wishes; thou shall not whine.
2. You defer to class, age, power and money.
3. You never show anger. It doesn't end well. This is a passive/aggressive culture.
4. I'm not sure what I can eat as I don't do spicy. I'm left-handed.
5. I need to make up some itineraries to calm me down. I'm good at that type of planning.

I'm dreaming of meeting people and the stories I will share.

Part 4

Certain aspects of my life are on hold and therefore a disaster. I need to deal with my depression before it's replaced with anxiety.

I do eat. Today I had rice mixed with lemon, mackerel and yellow marigold petals. I've been eating cashews. I'm keeping up with my caffeine. I ought to drink more tea. I 'processed' petals I'll dry and add to my food: marigold (yellow, orange, red), carnation (peach and red), calendula (yellow).

I'm going to take a soak now (because I can) in hope that I steam away the ennui.

~430 words
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