My Reflections

What They Don’t Know

PROMPT September 24th

We think we know other people, and feel they know us.
However, maybe they don't know us as well as they think. Tell us five things friends don’t know about you. (Don't share anything you aren't comfortable with sharing!)

Whoops! I got to concentrating so hard on the Bible study I was writing, I lost track of time. At least I finished writing it finally. "Blessed to Be Spiritually Poor"  What a lot of people probably don't know is that I spend a lot of time on these Bible studies. I probably spend a good 16 hours on each one minimum. A pastor spends as much time or more preparing one sermon for Sunday. Let's just say I have a new respect for preachers now.

I am a fairly open person. It is hard for me to think of what people don't know. I guess one thing would be that I keep a lot to myself as far as pain and complaints go. Complaining just makes everyone else miserable too.

I have been through a lot. I have seen many crimes take place. I have been in a store when it was being robbed. I have seen a gun pulled on people I was working in a drive-thru with. I have seen many shop lifting. I had my apartment shot up with me in it. I have been on the news briefly. I have also dodged news reporters. I have been in fights for my life, yes that is more than one. I have been present when dead people were discovered in their home. I have seen someone die. I have witnessed domestic abuse. I have survived drive-by shootings. I have experienced my house being broken into and robbed. I am a rape survivor and was molested as a child. I had a stalker experience as an adult, and learned from this that I could kill if put into the position of kill or be killed. This is a very realization.

On the bright side, I can not exactly say my life has been boring. I have been through a lot of crazy experiences. I just don't always like to talk about them. I honestly have been through so much, sometimes I feel numb when witnessing or experiencing other things. One of my coping mechanisms is dissociation. Mentally I go somewhere else while an event is taking place. This makes it hard to recall and process sometimes.

I have learned that home is not always the safest place. I try to always be aware of my surroundings. I don't let what I have been through keep me from living. However, sometimes I have extreme anxiety and am hyper-vigilant. I experience night mares and have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I am a kind and compassionate person, but I will fight with everything in me if I have to. I am afraid to get into a fight unless I absolutely have to because I am afraid I may severely injure the other person. I can not fight to just injure. I fight for my life. I go into a blind rage. That's what scares me. I don't want to severely hurt or kill someone. This is one of those 5 big things. I don't like to admit it. Don't mistake my kindness for weakness.

I may chose to appear week or allow myself to be vulnerable, but I am strong because of everything I have been through. I am a survivor.