My Personal Goals

Thoughts on Dieting

Sorry this is so long.

Back in 2016 and 2017, I had went on a diet. I went from 230 pounds to under 200 in a matter of months. It was awesome.

Then life happened. My mom died in September of 2017. I tried to hang in there. I had to go back to work after taking some time off to deal with my mom's illness. I had my mom, dad, and uncle in a nursing home all at the same time as taking care of my roommate at home. My hands were full.

In October of 2017, I began working at a pizza place. While this was actually a fun place to work, I was surrounded by food. I tried to hang in there on my diet, but I kept slipping. Other employees would even bring food in from other restaurants. We were always eating and sharing. Needless to say, I eventually gave up on the diet.

In November 2018, the pizza place closed its doors. Then my uncle passed away. I was kind of lost. I eventually ended up working on an airforce base in the Subway they had there in 2019. I liked this job too.

I started experiencing some health issues. This is when my nocturnal leg cramps began. My legs would cramp so hard, I could barely walk the next day. I went to the ER and found out my blood glucose was high. When I followed up with my primary doctor, I was diagnosed with diabetes.

I decided to take a couple of months away from working to try to get my body back on track and do some much needed healing. I tried to control my blood glucose levels through diet and exercise once again. I did ok for a couple of months, then I tried to go back to work at a local Walmart.

Working at Walmart was okay for a couple of months, but then I was injured on the job. A co-worker and I was lifting a stacked wooden pallet off of another stacked wooden pallet to get to the goods on the bottom pallet. Thankfully, it was only paper products on the pallet we were lifting. My hand slipped and the pallet dropped right across the top of my left foot. I tried to walk it off. Yeah, that didn't work. My foot was throbbing and swelling with immediate bruising.

I went to the office and told the manager what had happened. An incident report was filed, and I got to experience workman’s comp insurance requirements. They say hindsight is 20/20. I should have done a couple of things differently, but didn't really know better at the time. The insurance agent I talked to insisted I go to one of their clinics which was now closed and wouldn’t open until the next day. They said I could not go to the ER because that would mess up the insurance claim. I was sent home and instructed one of the managers would take me to their clinic first thing in the morning, and it would be ok because it was within the 1st 24 hours of the injury. I think I should have went to the ER, but I didn't want to get into trouble with my employer so I played along with it.

The next morning, I went to their clinic. Thankfully, no bones were broken, but my foot was visibly hurt. They put me on crutches and an ortho shoe for a couple of weeks and light duty. There idea of light duty is watching the fitting rooms and answering the phone. I went from around 18,000 steps per day to 10,000 steps per day, but was still on my feet. I hated that. I was anxious to get back to my regular duties.

A couple of weeks later, they did release me to go back to my regular duties, but that didn't work so well. My foot was not completely healed even though I could finally walk on it. On top of all of this, right before the injury, I had taken a few days off work to say goodbye to my dad who was dying. By the time I had returned to regular duty, he had passed away. They let me take a few days off again to deal with burrying him, but we had to schedule the actual memorial service for a later date. They did not want to let me off for that. At this point, I was quite frustrated. I quit, and I attended my dad’s memorial service. In fact, I led his memorial service with the family.

When dad passed away, I experienced emotions I never expected that I would all at the same time. Something within me snapped sort of. I withdrew. I didn't even want to talk to family members. I was angry. I was hurt. I felt guilty. I was heartbroken. I was relieved. And it was like losing mom all over again. Maybe it because he was connected to her. I just know I was not okay right then at that moment.

Then on top of all of this, the cousin I was closest to had a major heart attack and stroke the day before my dad's burial and they didn't know if she was going to live or not. I was devastated at this point. Yes, I have other cousins, but this cousin, my mom and dad, grandma and uncle were like my close family growing up. They were my childhood family.

To recap, My mom died in September 2017, my uncle in 2018, my dad had just died, now my cousin was in critical condition. My grandma had died back in 2000. So just like that I felt so alone. I had recently been diagnosed with diabetes and was still learning to live with that. (Diabetes is a life-changer) I had had this work injury. I was completely stressed out.

I get through my dad’s memorial in late October. About a week after that a cousin died that I wasn't as close to and about a week after that, the cousin I was close to passed away. Her body just couldn't fight anymore. So here I am in the middle of November 2019 just before the holidays and my life just got turned upside down. I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder a few months later because I struggled to deal with it all for several months.

2020 rolls around, I try to move on by getting another job at Home Depot. I was hired in January. By March Covid was here. They were allowing people with certain risks to stay home with partial pay. I fell under this category because of diabetes and mild asthma. I was also afraid of bringing it home to my roommate who is very high risk with COPD and a heart problem. The doctor didn't think she would survive if she caught it. So we were being extremely careful.

I tried to go back to work in May because my leave expired, but I ended up getting sick at my stomach and feeling shaky and week. It could have been nerves, but whatever it was, I couldn't work like that. I was able to acquire more leave.

I tried to go back in June. The same thing happened. So the Dr took me off work. I acquired more unpaid leave. This continued until around September. Then they just took me off their payroll. I haven't worked since. In November, my monthly cycle became irregular and I was put on metformin to try to help control my diabetes and help with female issues. My cycle was regular again.

January 2021 came along. Since then, 13 people I knew or at least acquaintances have passed away. I am so tired of death. If I ever got used to it, I would think there was something wrong with me.

Also, around the beginning of this year, I started feeling extreme fatigue. My body aches, I started having regular diarrhea among other symptoms. I was tested for Covid, it was negative. My blood was tested. There were indicators of inflammation. More blood tests were done in April. The inflammation was still there. I was referred to a rheumatologist due to suspected arthritis. I can not be seen by them until December. Meanwhile, I started having abnormal bleeding again in June. I visited the ER and my primary Dr who both referred me to a gyno.

Ok, now we got somewhere I hope. I had an endometrial biopsy done, a pelvic exam and pap smear. A urinalysis and more blood work done. The gyno thinks my hormones are imbalanced because my body is trying to start menopause. She did tests to confirm her suspicions. I am currently waiting for the results. It can take up to 2 weeks to get all of the test results back. In the meantime, I am being prescribed progesterone to stop the excessive bleeding. And my diabetes medicine is being changed to see if that will make a difference with the digestive tract issues.

Anyway, I wrote all of this because I have got to figure out how to get my head right so I can get on the diet I need to be on for my health. I have been fighting depression, anxiety, and these other health issues. I gave up on diet and exercise both. I was ok with the exercise until this year. Now I am back over 232 pounds. I have got to stop this. I am an emotional eater, and I want to eat my emotions in feel-good junk food.

I feel insecure about giving up my comfort foods. I am guilty of the sin of gluttony and I like the feeling of food intoxication. It is a temporary comfort that leads to more problems than solutions. I think I have developed an addiction to food. I am very insecure about it. I am also slightly addicted to caffeine. I have gotten stuck in this crazy cycle. I am supposed to start counseling in September again. Hopefully this will help.

I have got to set up a support system that will work for me. Maybe I can start another group on here or work with one already existing. Like I said, I have got to get my head right to do this. I am hoping that I can develop a good reward system for myself somehow. I am really struggling. I keep a lot to myself, but this is me being honest with myself, you, and God. I have issues. Lol

I guess we will see what the next few weeks will bring. I hope to try to get back on track with my diet in September. I hope I can figure this thing out. I am not the same person now that I was back in 2016. I am broken. I have been through so much grief recently, and I feel like I am struggling to keep my head above water. Prayers are definitely appreciated. If anyone has suggestions, I am open to hearing them.

Jesus is my permanent anchor!