Complex Numbers

Fence

Okay, so today's article is about one particular life decision, but it seems to me -- someone who is not well-versed in psychology -- to have other applications. So here it is.

I help people decide if they want to have kids. Here’s my advice.  
A parenthood clarity therapist explains how she helps fence sitters make one of the most important decisions of their lives.

I made that particular decision long ago, though I understand that the pressures and consequences tend to be different for women. But once I realized I did have the power to make the decision, it was an easy one. The trick was avoiding the societal pressure to conform to a particular life script.

I’m a therapist who has dedicated my life to helping people figure out if they want to have children. I’ve been doing this for 30 years and have seen more clients than I can count of all stripes — men, women, single, married, and partnered people. People just out of a relationship and people just starting a relationship. People from ages 28 to 59. Our goal is to help people make possibly the biggest decision of their lives: whether or not they want to become a parent.

Apparently, questioning that life script is more common than I thought.

Many assume that a time will come for each of us, at which point we’ll “just know.” Even though that is the case for some, it’s a myth to think it’s that way for everyone.

Yeah, I think I can pinpoint the moment when most people "just know." By then, it's too late, and you're committed.

From desperation, they have to make a decision. Fear instead of desire runs the show. Operating on fear is a lonely, excruciating process that leaves many immobilized. But when a decision is made from a place of desire, joy, or clarity, the experience is quite different.

That's the key bit that I think might be more generalized.

The article goes into some shrink-rap type exercises, which, to be honest, I skimmed.

Now, I don't want people to get the idea that I'm proselytizing my own point of view here. Personally, I think the world would be best off if everyone who wanted children could have them, and everyone who didn't want them, didn't. From my perspective, if you're going to worry about regrets one way or the other, it's better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. I mean, consider what that attitude could do to a child, even if you never say it out loud. (Of course, it's best to have no regrets, either way.) But often, parents press their decision on others: "It's so rewarding! You'd be missing out on such joy! You'll never know what real love is!" All I'd say to anyone on the fence is: don't listen to those words; look at what their lives are like and decide if that's really what you want. And pay particular attention to any sentence that begins "I love my children, but..."

But anyway, like I said, that's not the only major decision people will make in life. For example, should I have beer tonight, or scotch? Or maybe both? Likely I'll decide it at random, because then I can blame the random number generator if things don't go as well as I hoped.