My Reflections

God removes Darkness from my soul.

Prompt:
Have you ever had a season of doubt or a dark night of the soul? What did that look and feel like? What steps did you take in that season?

Answer:
We have all experienced darkness in our lives at one time or another, some may be darker than others. It is hard sometimes to pick just one incident. I have personally had more than one dark moment in my life, but thank God he was there for all of them. I have been blessed to have seen angels in my time of need on more than one occasion also.

I guess I will share about the time in my life, I began writing dear God letters. I was in my mid twenties. I felt a lot of anger toward God for all the things he had allowed me to go through. I don't know that it was the wisest thing to do at the time, but I began telling God all about it in these letters. Why couldn't I be joyful? Why was my life so miserable? Where were all those promises the Bible talked about? The list went on.

I was struggling with depression. It seemed like the world was against me. I was struggling to keep a job. My love life and family life were a complete mess. I was barely paying my bills. I felt so alone. God was always there for me though. He allowed me to throw my tantrums. He even prevented me from committing suicide. I never want to be in that dark place again.

I had accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I had not learned how to live for him. It is hard to explain. My parents and I had a rocky relationship. My dad was a preacher. My parents acted like their will was God's will even after I became an adult. If they didn't approve of me or what I was doing, God did not approve either. I could not be good enough and always made the preacher look bad. They made me look bad too. Dad could do no wrong because he was the preacher.

I hate that I feel this way toward them. I loved them. They were my parents. They were human and made a lot of mistakes as we all do. I wish I could say I had a better relationship with them, but I did not. It was toxic and complicated. I have made the choice to forgive them, but I struggle to let go of the pain that lingers in my heart.

This is something I am currently working on. I will be seeing a counselor in hopes of getting help with this. I still have nightmares from things in my past. I guess that is PTSD for you. You never know when you will experience symptoms. It could be emotional, a flashback, a nightmare, or something else. This isn't something I talk about a lot.

The reason I am sharing this is because this is a darkness I currently deal with and these are the steps I am taking. Writing and talking about it helps sometimes because I validate myself and my feelings. Counseling sometimes helps because the counselor can sometimes help you come up with strategies to deal with it all. I pray a lot. God knows my past, present, and future. It is all in his hands.