Complex Numbers

Past Intense

It always bugged me when people would romanticize the past. I mean, okay, technically, there was a period called the "romantic" period, and look, let's face it, "romantic" has WAY too many definitions, mostly incompatible with each other.

What I mean is the people who look at the past all starry-eyed and breathless and go, "I wanna live THEN." And look, I've had friends in the SCA, I read and write fantasy, and I play fantasy role-playing games. Know what all of those things have in common? "Fantasy." I can still take advantage of modern sanitation, electricity, and medical facilities.

Leave it to Cracked to make a numbered list of exactly why the past completely sucked syphilitic ass.

55 Facts That Show The Past Was Absolutely Gross  

Aren't you happy to live in the modern, hygienic world that exists today? A world where you can easily wash your hands anytime you like, and must disinfect yourself with sanitizer every time you enter a building, and wear a mask to limit germ transmission, and submit to continual temperature checks in order to walk around publicly ... uh, all right, some of this might feel a tad excessive. But wow, is it infinitely better than the alternative you'd have to deal with if you lived centuries ago.

Okay, so maybe the present isn't exactly what you'd call "perfect."

I won't be copying all 55 of these. Of course. Go check out the link to find examples even more egregious than the ones I'm highlighting here. Especially the first one, which I'm going to skip right over.

2. Cat Piano

Johann Christian Reil arranged cats so hammers hit their tails, and they would cry out. Somehow, this was supposed to jump-start patients back into sanity.

I don't believe in an afterlife. But if I'm wrong, I want it to be run by cats, with this guy hit eternally by hammers. On his "tail."

11. Splinter Butt

Before we settled on toilet paper (or the convenient anal hose), people as recently as the 1930s were wiping themselves with rough stuff that gave them splinters.

About a year ago, this was looking like it was going to make a resurgence.

17. Fire Toilets

Roman toilets would occasionally erupt in open flames.

Huh. I didn't know they had Chipotle back then.

21. Castration Cults

Rome had a cult based on the Greek goddess Cybele, and adherents modeled them after her consort, a eunuch.

Yeah, that's a truckload of nope right there.

30. Gong-Farming

Someone had to clean out medieval cesspits. That job fell to the gong farmer, who would have to jump into the pit to shovel the stuff into a bucket.

And I thought my job, which sometimes involved investigating sanitary sewer pipes, could suck.

33. Werewolf Trials

Along with the very reasonable fear of witches, Europe in the 15th and 16th centuries suspected people might be werewolves. Thousands were executed for this offense. Circumstantial evidence included proximity to tomatoes.

Hey, I was just trying to enjoy my Big Mac in peace.

42. The Big Stink

In 1858, the Thames got clogged with sewage, a heatwave set in, and the smell was so bad, Parliament had to relocate to a rural area upstream.

Odd how one never sees that year on Doctor Who.

Now, I'll admit that there are some things from the past that we might do well do emulate. After re-reading that list, however, I'm hard-pressed to think of a single one. So as much as this past year has been no fun for just about everyone, at least we're not taking shits in exploding Roman latrines and wiping our char-broiled butts with splintery wood.

Yet.