Life through my Eyes

The Loneiness "Death of a Marriage, be it Death or Divorce"

The Loneliness "Death of a Marriage, be it Death or Divorce."
by Teresa Blakely

I have a dear friend who has suffered her husband's death a few months before the pandemic, and she had posted about widowhood. Widowhood comes in all shapes and sizes and does not discriminate against males or females. Although in my case, I was married 35 years and divorced. I mourn the death of my marriage, still today after 10 years, and I feel and have felt the things she describes in her post. To fill that emptiness and void can be hard some days. God gets me through them and a handful of people I talk to about separation anxiety. That's the best way I know how to describe it.

It's hard for others to understand if they don't know what it's like. And 2020 was very difficult to get through the loneliness of not having a spouse there to get through it together, like all the other experiences before. Reaching out to someone helps, but you don't want to feel like a burden to anyone. Trust me. I've been there, and I know that feeling. It has gotten better in some areas, like going out to eat alone, but I would prefer to eat with someone. It does have it's moments.

Like so many others, having been married for a very long time, it is like it died. And in reality, it did for me, and I'm sure it has for others. Your spouse has alright been through it, already adjusted to being without you. In their mind, it was over years earlier. They just didn't know how to tell you without hurting you. In the long run, they end up hurting you even more than they wanted to. Divorce is an ugly dragon rearing its head to devour its prey. No matter who it is. It does not care!

I wanted to share this with you because it sums up the loneliness that one can experience in a death of a marriage. May it be by death of a spouse or death of a divorce. It consumes us never the less. I hope this touches your heart and gives you peace that you are not alone in this feeling.

                        

Widowhood

by Alisha Bozarth

“Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.

Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.

Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years, and it no longer feels like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart, and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.

Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amounts to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.

Widowhood is second-guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s, and without them, you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.

Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone; like a mist of a dream, you begin to wonder if it happened at all.

Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.

Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you, or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.

Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for all those years? What is your purpose if the job of investing in your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?

Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.

Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. Nobody next to you. No partner to share your burden.

Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry, but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.

Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.

Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.

Widowhood…..is life-changing."

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