The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

Tips on Remainng Sane

The greatest benefit I gained from doing a domestic violence course was learning to be assertive. There are four states of being...passive, aggressive, passive/aggressive and assertive. One of the biggest problems couples encounter is not being able to confidently ask for their needs to be met. Fear is the driving force in most peoples lives...rejection, ridicule, abandonment, judgement or abuse.... not being heard can be overwhelming and can lead to so many problems within a relationship.

Too many men allow this imbalance to occur, then find that when the relationship ends, they want to change but it is often too late by then. If this has happened to you, the chances of it happening again are all too real. To acknowledge your part, own what you did and the want for change...these are the things that must be faced before real change can occur.

We use being provoked as an excuse to behave in an abusive manner. It took me a while to grasp this concept.

”What if she gets up in my face?” Walk away.

You are supposed to be the man, the one who sets the example, who controls the situation. But if you lose your temper and allow frustrations to boil over then you are not in control. Think about it like this...she wants you to lose it, she likes to see you blow your top...then she controls you if you fall for this kind of strategy. You look bad, she then becomes the victim. Walk away, and you control the situation. And by walk away, I mean temporarily, allowing heads to cool. Then come back to the conversation...to the negotiation. Because that is what we are all arguing about when you think about it. What I want, compared to what my partner wants.

Compromise is the key to any business meeting and is the key to being assertive. Not allowing yourself to lose control and realise that in order to get some of what I want, I must allow the other party to get some of what they want. If you want it all, with no allowance for what your partner wants, is that not what the schoolyard bully does? This would be deemed aggressive behaviour. An unwillingness to try to meet the needs of your partner, with no concerns but for your own needs. You can try this, and it might work in the short term, but an unhappy relationship is the cost you must pay. One thing is certain, nothing in life worth having comes for free.

Passive behaviour is as destructive to a relationship as is an aggressive one, particularly in men. The passive behaviour is followed by frustration, then angry outbursts that seem to come from nowhere...passive-aggressive. Not being able to express how you feel, bottling the emotions until they explode. Pressure that must escape somewhere, usually towards the people we are closest to you. Then follows regret, guilt, and silence until the next episode. It does not have to be this way. Being assertive gets you, and your partner almost all of what you need, but it requires skill, courage and a deep want to make for a better life.

If, as I recommended earlier, you do not want to participate in counselling, or join a group of men with similar issues and problems, then I will try to present it as best as I can. There is no room for temper tantrums, none whatsoever and this includes in your day to day life. I am not talking about being able to switch from work life, where you may think it Ok to lose it at a workmate for fucking something, which then causes you grief. Or on your drive home if some idiot cuts in front of you, or won't allow you to merge, giving you the finger. Control is a lifestyle and if you can't control your temper when you're not at home, you will not control it there either.

There are triggers that each person feels before an angry outburst, mine is like a tingling at the nape of my neck, my hair will begin to stand up and I feel a hot rush in my face and head. Recognise your own warning signs and as soon as you feel it happening you must take control of the anger. Find what works for you...breath... think...imagine you are watching yourself from a distance, seeing a guy who is about to lose his cool, then regathers himself, realising what is important and that losing your temper does nothing to change the situation except cause more harm, especially to those who have to see or feel your rage.

It takes practice and is not something that will be ever likely perfected. All it takes is for your partner to be nagging you about something, you go to work and your boss is giving you crap all day, then on the way home, some inconsiderate bastard won't let you merge. You get home and your kid has left his/her bike in the driveway and...BAMM...the end of your patience and your poor kid cops it for all the other things that brought you to that point. Not fair on him/her, not fair on you, but you must always try to remain in control...breath...when you drive up, see that bike in the driveway...breath...think...are you angry because your kid did something you probably did many times when you were growing up? And even if your dad yelled at you or worse, does that make it Ok for you to take your frustrations out on them? To become your dad? When in those moments he was yelling at you, you swore you would never grow up to be like him...then your kid swearing he/she never want to be like you.

Break the cycle and be the man who comes home, no matter what kind of day you have had and smile at your life, after all, what's important? Your kids? Your partner? Your happiness? Or some guy who cut you off on your way home? Whose probably right now getting home and yelling at his kids. Be the man who earns respect, not demands it. Be a father who's kids come to him when they have problems, not the last person to find out. Be the man who's wife is filled with admiration...with love and respect, not fear and fake smiles.

You can do this, all it takes is want, effort, understanding yourself and why you do what you do, control and learning the triggers before they take hold. Read as much as you can about being assertive, it changed my life, so there's no reason it can't change yours.

Passiveness is the fear of facing confrontation. It takes courage to say what is on your mind, in a way that is not aggressive. Low self-esteem can make you think what you have to say is not important and can build up to a point where you either explode or completely give up. YOU MATTER...what you have to say matters. If you don't think it does then counselling could help. I am not a professional, and what I offer here is only a guide. Your life is your life and nobody but you has to walk in your shoes or wake up with your problems and so only you are responsible for where you find yourself.

In my opinion, too many people blame, looking outwards instead of inwards. Blaming their partners, their jobs, their circumstances...and really, who can change any of these things but you. Facing harsh realities is not easy, but essential.

You cannot control anybody but you and that scares some people. But when you think about it, it is actually liberating. It lets you make choices that you could not if you have everybody else's feelings to consider. Every choice has a consequence, every action a reaction. Not everyone is going to like you or your choices in life, but whose life is it? Theirs or yours? And just as you cannot control others, then they cannot control you.

To do what is expected, or do what is right. By you and by your family. Work out what is important to you and do what is needed to get it. Or, just keep doing what you know and what others expect of you. It's your choice. At the very least, own that fact. So, when you are taking your final breath, you can't look back and blame anyone but yourself if it didn't go the way you wanted. And if you can look back with contentment, know who made that possible.