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Scraps and scribbles from 1960 - 2015 |
| It is colder now than when you were here, and the darkening clouds are gathering together, blanketing the skies, trying to keep in the heat. Coffee is brewing again, and its heady aroma fills the kitchen. I shiver, despite my fall garments. Even a blanket would not keep the damp chill away today. When you go, the warmth goes with you. My memories stir and refresh, but there is no solace in their stirrings, only an unfulfilled longing. I do not know how to tell you what I feel when I see you. There is a rush that pours through me when I see your blue eyes, and your smile. And sometimes, it is so intense. Your touch has always sent ripples of longing through my body. Swaying with you to music is the rhythm my soul seeks. You are there....in every song I hear, every morning I awake and every night as I sleep. I have banished you from my thoughts a thousand times over, only to find you there again. I have stopped listening to music, only to find that you have become the song. I remember that first day we met.......I remember walking in the park, and wondering how I would contain the surges of excitement that kept sparking through my body, hoping you would not notice and, at the same time, hoping you felt what I felt. How would I keep my feet on the ground, and not lose my head ? And I remember wondering if I really wanted to keep my feet on the ground. Why not ride this wave of whatever it was that I was feeling. ? I remember being scared that it was fleeting, that it would never happen again. And wanting you, but not wanting you...not knowing if these feelings were real. There is a freedom with you, a comfort, that defies description. My heart feels instantly young and free, light and happy...so very happy. Smiles radiate from the depths of my heart, as it tumbles down loves’ path. Dancing in a dream, my heart waits......hopeful and guarded. I see you climbing up the tree.....the boy in the man ....and I see the glint in your eye when you tell that special story or joke you have been saving, as you watch my reaction......I always know it will be a good story when I see that gleam. I love your stories, so full of wit, humor and life. Walking in the woods, making supper, talking about anything, and everything, sharing world and family problems together, your respect, kindness, caring and Sunday evening phone calls....all are part of my memories of you. Flooding my body with your warmth, my heart opened to you more than I ever thought possible. In that opening I felt, for an instant, a connection with you that is so tender and loving, a gentleness that belies your size and your strength, in a way I had never experienced before. Sinking into your arms tonight was akin to sinking into a warm pool of water. Bodies entwined, laughing and loving, I think of you, of me. Heaven help me....You have cornered my heart . Liquid, fluid feelings arise , and bathe me in their warmth. I do not ever want to let this go. Sometimes, in the quiet, with your arms around me, there is a peace and stillness in my soul that has eluded me all my life. I feel as though I have found something I didn’t even know I lost..... it is a treasure that no one else has discovered. And I want to shout it to the world....but keep it secret. You are so precious to me......I do not want to share this feeling with anyone but you. Yet, I can not. There have been mountains that were moved, rivers that swept me along and ocean tides that washed over me. You have orchestrated dances that leave my body arching, heaving in your arms with waves of sensations that I have never felt before. Floating along in a gentle rhythm of physical pleasure, rocking in your arms, sheltered and caressed, creating our own music, was satisfaction beyond anything I have ever known in my life. There were moments that left us breathless and laughing, and moments that have left me crying and cold. The heights of ecstasy have a price ....the depths are deep, and I know there is nothing to cushion my fall. Even as I drew closer to you in my heart, I knew you were drawing further from me. For now, I will find comfort in your arms, and try not to think about tomorrow. The scepter of love lost and pined lies like a rose with many thorns between us. Love’s thorny rose is a magnet that pulls at hearts with fierce tenacity. Unrequited love demands fulfillment and knows no barriers. The skies continue to darken and the thunder rolls. Deep and dark, a portent, perhaps, of what is yet to be. For today’s roses bring tomorrow’s thorns, and tomorrow, as Scarlet said, “comes soon enough.” tuc 9/22/96 |
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