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A hilarious and bizarre twist of Rowling's famous series. A muggle shall enter Hogwarts! |
Chapter 1 - The Fattest Kid in Britain The Dursleys of Number 4 Privet Drive were very ordinary, thank you very much. It’s too bad their children weren’t. Vernon Dursley and his wife Petunia hardly ever stood out amongst the other like-minded denizens of Surrey, England, but as unspectacular in appearance as they were, they were beginning to gain an unflattering reputation because of their son Dudley. Luckily, their other child, Harry, was loved by the entire town. In truth, Harry was the Dursleys' nephew, but he was still cherished much more than his cousin. Whereas Harry excelled at everything from the time he came to the Dursleys' house ten years ago (almost like magic!), Dudley was fat and craved only his next meal. Just how Harry arrived at the Dursleys’ residence, and why, is a widely discussed issue in Privet Drive, but as Harry says, “I was too cool for my parents.” But he wasn’t too cool for the Dursleys, who loved their nephew greatly. Harry had the best birthdays, best education, best meals, and the best life of any boy in Surrey. He had a large bedroom all to himself, an additional room set aside for his plethora of toys and games, and every other room in the house became his the instant he stepped into it. Dudley was shunted to the broom closet under the stairs. Dudley’s early childhood was riddled with the injustice of being an “inferior individual,” as he was often told. Perhaps Dudley was neglected and abused by his parents because of his poundage; he achieved the weight of a large cow by four years of age and has grown even larger ever since. Vernon and his wife tried repeatedly to reduce their son’s weight. When he was four, they took him to a doctor, but Dudley ate the doctor. When he was seven, his parents elected to get his stomach pumped, but nothing could pierce the stronghold of fatcakes, soda, and Big Macs that Dudley’s stomach had become. They tried numerous times to simply not feed their son, but this proved dangerous, for Dudley would gnaw on the furniture and even the neighbors in his desparation. Dudley simply had an enormous appetite that could rarely be satisfied, and no power on earth could make it otherwise. So Dudley continued to eat and eat. And he continued to suffer at the hands of the Dursleys and Harry for the first ten years of his life. Who can forget the Christmas of ’86, when Harry was ecstatic to unwrap his five new video games, brand new bicycle, toy gun (which undoubtedly found a large and fearful target), skateboard, and television. Harry’s heart filled with glee as he observed Dudley open his single present – dog biscuits, though Dudley devoured them nonetheless. And the following year, when Harry had his seventh birthday, Dudley was confined to his closet so as to not embarrass Harry in front of his friends. The closet was Dudley’s best friend, aside from the fridge. Although it was small and dark and cold, it also allowed Dudley to escape the pains of his childhood. School was dreadful, for the children either bullied him or feared he would eat them. Despite this, Dudley liked people and was friendly and kind to all who would share his company. He dreamed about being surrounded by lots of friends and of being popular like his cousin, even though he had no friends. But Dudley's life was about to change! Summer hit Surrey quickly in '91, and all the children were looking forward to their various retreats to fun and family. The Dursleys were planning to kick off the summer with a trip to the zoo; even Dudley was looking forward to it, as he was actually being allowed to go. It all started after Aunt Petunia got off the phone with one of the neighbors. "Bad news, Vernon," said Aunt Petunia that first Saturday morning. "Mrs. Figg says she can't take Dudley today." "What? Why not?!" yelled Uncle Vernon as he sat in his armchair reading the news. He was a porky man, much like his son, but he considered himself to be "just the right weight." "She says she's run out of food," said Aunt Petunia exasperatedly. "She's afraid the boy will eat her. It looks like he'll have to come with us to the zoo." Harry looked up from the dining table. "No! I hate riding with him in the car! He takes up too much space! Make him stay home!" "And rob our refridgerator? I don't think so!" yelled Uncle Vernon, his eyes peering above his paper. He spotted Dudley coming out of his closet. "I promise I'll try to suck in my stomach if you let me go!" exclaimed Dudley. He loved the zoo. "Please let me go!" "No! I don't want him to go!" yelled Harry, and he banged his fists on the table. "It's my birthday week-end, and what I say goes!" Truthfully, Harry's birthday was a solid three months away, but the Dursleys loved Harry so much, they celebrated it every month. Aunt Petunia began to tap the kitchen counter and think. "Maybe we could drive the pick-up. Harry could sit up-front and Dudley could ride in the back or something." Harry objected still, but nevertheless, Dudley was soon lying in the back of a pick-up truck as the family departed the neighborhood for the zoo. The zoo trip got off to a rocky start when the staff mistook Dudley for an escaped animal. Although Dudley was vehemently trying to explain that he was human, his mouth was so full of various desserts that the zookeepers couldn’t understand him and thought he was dangerous. The Dursleys did nothing to correct the zookeeper as they attempted to separate themselves from Dudley, but luckily Dudley managed to swallow and speak up. The family was able to arrive at the zoo just before the usual rush of visitors, and they therefore quickly moved to the exhibits without interference, though some of the more narrow pathways were obstacles for Dudley. It was overall a very enjoyable morning, and the Dursleys had visited every location except for the reptile house all before lunch. Harry was very excited to see the various snakes in the reptile house, but they decided to first order something to eat. "What would you like to eat, Harry?" asked Uncle Vernon fatherly. "Anything you want." "Ugh, I hate zoo food," complained Harry. "Could I have something to eat, Dad?" asked Dudley. A vein began to pulse dangerously in Vernon's temple, and a shadow spread over his face. "Boy! What have I told you about calling me that in public?!" "But you are my dad!" cried Dudley. "But do you think I want anyone to know that?" yelled Vernon loudly; heads were beginning to turn in their direction. "Besides, we're nothing alike! You have more in common with some of these animals than anyone here!" By now, Harry was laughing, Vernon was purple in the face, and Aunt Petunia was at a distance, evidently embarrassed to be seen. Some of the onlookers appeared concerned, others humored. "Um," stuttered the employee at the register, "what could I get you, sir?" "I'll have a pizza slice, Uncle Vernon," said Harry. "Just that then," said Uncle Vernon roughly to the employee. Dudley opened his mouth, as if to speak, but then closed it and instead looked hungrily at the onlookers, some of whom who recognized him and retreated. The Dursleys payed and then walked from the cafe to the reptile house. Harry threw his pizza crust into a nearby exhibit and rushed into the building. Vernon and Petunia contented to remaining outside, so Dudley followed his cousin into the building alone. It was dark and eery inside; Dudley was glad that the snakes were behind their glass walls, because they were looking straight at him. Dudley walked along the wall away from the glass as he went deeper into the house. He spotted some of the more dangerous snakes farther in, snakes of all colors and varieties, but they too looked at Dudley. A great green snake, the Boa Constrictor, was coiled around a tree behind its glass, and it particularly seemed as if it was going to attack. A hissing sound came from behind, and Dudley swiftly turned to see a snake lunging at him. He jumped (or rather, his feet almost left the ground and his flab gave a few wiggles) and gave a girly shriek, but it was only the stuffed snake the Dursleys had bought for Harry. Harry came into sight and laughed hysterically. "You're such a dork!" Harry smacked Dudley in the stomach. "You never could have outrun the snake if it was real." Dudley got angry and tried to shove Harry, but Harry stepped back and stood against the boa's cage, which looked at Harry with distaste. "I bet this boa constrictor would love all your fat!" Harry taunted. "Shut up!" shouted Dudley. "Oh yeah?" said Harry. "Make me! Come on, Big Mac! Or are you not able to walk this far?" Dudley yelled and, to Harry's surprise, ran straight towards Harry full-speed. Harry tried to move out of the way, but as if in slow motion, Dudley collided with Harry and smashed him right through the boa's glass prison. Glass shards flew everywhere as Harry fell over the edge of the boa's place and into the pond within. Dudley landed on top of Harry, who cushioned his fall magnificiently, and got up quickly, scared about what had just happened. The boa constrictor had been launched into the air by the force of the impact, but it came down next to Harry and hissed angrily. "Aaaaaagh!" screamed Harry (also a considerably pathetic and feminine shriek), but Dudley's weight seemed to have paralyzed him, or else the snake's gaze had petrified him. But the snake instead turned towards Dudley and licked its lips and eyed the excess amounts of fat that Dudley's enormous body provided. Dudley ran as fast as he could to the exit, but the snake easily was catching up with him. Dudley kept running, but the boa passed him by and turned to face him. "Harry, help me!" cried Dudley, but the great Harry Potter had fainted. The snake was slithering towards Dudley as he backed into a dead-end hallway, cornered. He looked feverishly for a way out, but the snake blocked the only exit that Dudley could fit through. The boa constrictor lunged and knocked Dudley down, but just then, the zookeepers arrived on the scene! The boa constrictor fleed and tried to escape, but the zoo keepers shot it and captured it. Dudley lay there with his face to the floor, his heart racing madly, and thankful for this miracle. He heard one of the zoo keepers notice him. "Hey! There's somebody over there! And he's fallen over!" Dudley waited for the staff to try and help him up, but none came. He looked up and saw them helping Harry up and out of the reptile house ("It'll be okay, son..." "You're so very brave!..." "We'll take you to your parents and buy you something to eat..."). He thought someone else would notice him too, but the zoo keepers all departed, and so Dudley got up and walked outside to the Dursleys, glad he was still alive. The car ride home was a loud one. The Dursleys were enraged to discover that a snake had escaped, but they were incredibly relieved that Harry (they hadn't even noticed Dudley; they almost left without him) was okay. Harry was giving a full account of how he had single-handedly thrown the snake away from him. "....and it wrapped its great ugly body around me and tried to squeeze me to death, and I was just barely able to pry it off of me and throw it against the wall!" The Dursleys decided that they would cheer Harry up by buying him some more expensive toys and taking him out to dinner. They dropped Dudley off at home before they went. "And don't you dare eat anything out of our refridgerator or touch any of the furniture or play with Harry's toys!" yelled Uncle Vernon. "You just go straight to your closet for the rest of the day!" So Dudley went straight into the house and obediantly went to his closet, his heart heavy. He tried to go to sleep but was unsuccessful, still shaken by the day's events. When he at last did fall asleep, he was woken up by the sounds of the Dursleys noisily pulling into the garage and slamming the car doors. They entered the house and Harry loudly and boastfully opened up his new presents while Uncle Vernon flipped on the TV to his favorite soap. Dudley tried to come out of his closet, but the door wouldn't open; one of them had locked his door. So he sat in the closet and peeked through the cracks in the door to see a glimpse of the family chowing down on the leftovers from dinner. Understandably, Dudley was very sad that night, still trapped in his closet. Little did he know that the next week would change his life forever. |
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