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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| Two weeks after she brought up how I got annoyed about her singing Gospel songs while at a town festival, I realize that she completely misread my face. I do not do well thinking about specific times whenever they're brought up. It takes me a while. My mind replays certain phrases and times over and over. It's how I work and I usually hate it. Because now, two weeks after she said that, I realize that she was wrong in reading my face. But... that's what she assumed that face meant... and she's held that in her mind as what it meant. I'm not even sure I could convince her that that wasn't it. If I looked annoyed... it was because I was tired. Or it was because there were lots of people. Or it was because maybe at that precise moment, if we were in front of the stage, the music was a little too loud for my ears. It was not because of you singing Gospel. Actually, I'm usually always happy to hear you sing. (The exception being whenever we've been studying together AND you start getting louder.) So, yes... I recall you singing Gospel... I don't recall my exact face... but I remember being amused and happy to hear you singing. It doesn't matter what the song was... I'm sure you've heard it all your life and that's fine. But I wasn't annoyed at it being christian/Gospel music. People change. Sometimes I feel like you think I'm always going to feel a certain way about things... and I mean, that's not unfair to think about me, but I'm capable of changing how I feel. I know that I'm really stable and once I make up my mind... it seems that I never change it. But I wasn't sure about having children when we first met. Now... I honestly can't wait. I'm still unsure about actually giving birth, but the more time passes, the more I'm open to that. The latter is something I've been afraid of my entire life... but I'm seeing myself be more open to it. To the point, I think I would, as long as I had the support I needed. And sometimes, I misread how you said things or how you acted towards me. It wasn't supposed to be how I took it. So I'm just as guilty of that. Assumptions are horrible things to make, but we (humans) keep making them. I keep thinking. I don't know what good it does. But, nevertheless, constantly thinking. That memory just came back to me this morning as something she said almost 2 weeks ago about something that happened in the end of May. I spent most of 2 years, being hurt over something that had happened with us in 2007. Guess we both hold grudges or hold things in our minds for a while, however you want to phrase it. It's like we got so busy being mean to each other, we forgot that we actually liked spending time with one another and that we were really great at making each other feel wonderful and happy. We spent so much time both feeling bad and hurt and like the other wasn't there for us... that we got mad... and resentful. In the end, that's what destroyed us. The entire time, I think we both wanted the other to be the way we were... to be like we were in those pictures I put up the other week. I think things were just so bad for both of us, for different reasons, that when we couldn't find one another like that, we got mad at each other. Cause after our last talk... after all the accusations... after everything... that's what it was. We got mad at each other and ignored each other... for the same basic reason... lack of attention, lack of affection, whenever we were both feeling horrible about ourselves, about our lives, when we both were lost in some sort of confusion... we couldn't find the other to help us... and we got mad and we stayed mad. I'm don't want to be mad at her anymore. I want to be able to let go of all of my anger and hurt. I want to be able to look back on this and think of it with happiness, cause there was so much there. Irregardless of the bad times, the good outweighed those. I still am crying periodically, I hate it. I keep having to find times when I'm alone and cry. I cried Friday, Saturday, skipped Sunday, and here I am today. I try to gear myself up and stay in a mood where I'm not crying around her. So, when she's not around, I have to let it out. I'm sorry for everything I said that hurt her, everything I did, and how I kept my affection from her because I was upset about life or with her. I should have held her more, even when I was upset because I felt she hadn't given me the attention I wanted. I should have hugged her everyday and kissed her on her forehead more often. Those little things mean so much more than we ever realize when we don't do them. I guess I'm writing about it so that whoever reads it, maybe will take more time to do those things with your significant other. Valuable lesson, trust me. |
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