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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| Yesterday, religion was brought up in a conversation I had with Manda. My feelings toward religion have changed somewhat over the years. I'm skeptical of religion, as an institution. I am hesistant around people who are religious. I fear they will find out who I am and who I love and think it is wrong. I feel inadequate around people who are religious. Because I never have learned as much about things like the Bible. I do not know the stories. The easy solution to that is to learn the stories. However, it's much like the same reason I dislike admitting to certain people that I've not seen some great movie/read some great book. "OMG, I can't believe you haven't seen that/heard that!" except it's "I can't believe you don't know that!" and it just, it pushes something that annoys me. Around some, I'm even jealous of their faith. Because they can believe so deeply and hold to something. I'm upset by people like my grandmother who can be so manipulative and tell things about my mother like she wouldn't take my grandmother to the grocery store/get band-aids for her. (Yes. Actually happened.) I get the same feeling in my classes, even now, it's like everyone wants to be a spiritual counselor. (It's a popular trend right now.) I'm an outsider for not having this strong religious background. I've let these people influence my opinion of religion, which is not fair, I realize this. I hold strong though, to the fact that while I don't know the stories, I don't go, I haven't ever really. I'm not sure where my beliefs fall. I claim Unitarian Universalism, because it tends to fit the most. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe he died to save us. UU's usually don't believe Jesus Christ was our savior. Instead, they view him as a great man who spread great knowledge. I agree with that, to an extent, but I view him as more. I can not accept the fact that God would condemn certain people to hell because, to me, they just call him a different name. This is where my beliefs heavily align with UUism. My religious belief is heavily based in nature, much like paganism. I look at this environment that surrounds me, I see how beautiful everything is, I feel alive, and that's when I feel religion the most, when I'm outside in nature. This morning, I was walking, noticing the sweet smell of the trees/grass, watching the sun come through the trees, watching the dew evaporate and create this misty haze, that was my peaceful time to reflect. I've felt closer to God when I'm outside, like this morning, than I ever have in a church. I like UUs, but I really don't like their services usually. It's a nice break from the traditional church, but it's so much like attending a seminar, at least the ones I've experienced. I actually want to go to the Catholic Church here. Manda's been trying to get us to go for a year. I have the same nervousness about it that I do about going anywhere new that's a group like environment. So far, I really like most of the people I've met who are Catholic. I know basing it off of the people might not be the best way; however, it's all I've experienced. I really don't think I could be Baptist or Church of Christ. Maybe Methodist. Undenominational might be the best way to go. My client scared me this past semester, because I'm always afraid they'll see through my lack of knowledge, declare me unsaved, when I feel like I am, see who I love, and declare that I'm not worthy and that I am wrong. I have acted like religion is silly to keep my inadequacies about it from bothering me. Wrong of me to do. Ego defense mechanism. (Woo, fun, psych term.) |
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