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Things I find myself only able to express in words and in this journal - welcome! |
| For the last several days, I've been trying to leave. Trying to go back to Starkville. My mom felt really bad on Sunday, thought it was pneumonia. So, my dad and her went to the ER. Well, they checked her for everything, etc. She was there for over 4 hours. And they basically told her that she was hurting because of her sugar being high. Which, I felt like was pretty much a cop out. Yes, it was high, but no, it's never done that before. Then they told her to make an appointment with her regular doctor. So, she did. Well, I wanted to stay to see what was wrong with her for sure. I was kinda worried since they'd run so many tests and all this other garbage. But I was going to leave after things got settled today. Like, sometime around now. That's when I woulda been leaving. Ugh. So last night I knew my period was going to start soon... but it hadn't really hit. Oh no, it didn't completely raise it's head til this morning. Then around 11 a.m. - noonish... that's when it got ugly. I took 3 pills specifically to get rid of the pain. They didn't work. At all. After 2 hours of basically being in a fetal position, trying not to cry, and hoping I was not going to throw up, I took about 3 more. That finally got it to mostly stop... I'm still having cramps but they're mostly harmless except for the occasional one. But, it's made my tummy hurt, in general. And I just feel bad because of all that. So I'm not completely up to driving 200 miles today. Also, because of all the rain we've gotten lately (which was needed, definitely, especially for the people who are serious farmers) the corn that my dad planted is coming in. It's supposed to rain tomorrow again, so probably after that, it'll practically be ready to fall off the stalk. This wouldn't be quite such a big deal. If it wasn't for the fact that the muscle my mom pulled was from bending down, pulling things, picking beans, etc. And it's inflammed and really hurting her. It'll take a lil bit for it to get better and the doctor told her to try and not do more than she has to with that muscle. So, that means, this week when the corn does need to be pulled and shucked, she'll not be able to really help. And there's a helluva lotta corn. I could leave. I could. But, I enjoy the corn... so I feel I should help them gather, shuck it, and prepare it to keep. It's the whole thing of canning, but we freeze stuff normally. But it's still gotta be shucked, washed, cooked, etc., just no pressure cooker. Plus, here's the last bit. If I go now, I'll have to be back by the evening of the 17th because I have a dentist appt. on the 18th at 9 a.m. So, I'll go down and have lil under a week. I'm about to go crazy here. But I figure if I can hold out for a week... then I can go down there and stay for longer. Hopefully I'll feel better too. However, I miss Manda so much I can't stand it. Like I said before... she's a major part of why I feel at home down there. I miss hearing her voice, seeing her face, touching her, talking to her face to face. Even just sitting in the living room at her mom's house with her mom there. I don't care. I'm happy as long as she's gonna be nearby. I always worried that me saying I missed her like that would come off like some people who are so "I'd die without her." Or something like that. But I know that if I had to be without her, I'd be okay. It'd hurt like hell for a while, but we'd make it. I'd make it. And eventually, I'm sure we'd both be over each other. Here's the thing. I used to be afraid that missing someone as much as I miss her meant that maybe you depended on them too much for your happiness. Or something like that. Now? I understand you can miss someone so much and it just be because you love and care about them. It doesn't have to mean that you need them to be happy. So much of the beauty of being in love and missing someone even, is that it's a choice. I've realized that more lately than ever before. She doesn't have to love me, but she does. I don't have to love her, but I do. I choose to do so. I choose to give my love and heart to her. She does the same. And somewhere, between when we first started dating and now, I lost that. I got so excited this morning because she called. She hadn't gotten any sleep, been up all night. I'd been up since about 4:15 and it was almost 7 am. We talked through text messages until about 6:30ish. And I'd nodded off not too long before she called around 7. I was a lil out of it, but I was happy to hear her voice. Now, I'm really bummed about how everything has went the last few days. I was so ready to leave and to get away from my parents. I still am. But I know there's some stuff here that I've got to take care of first. Plus, if I wait, then I'll get a chance to stay longer. It'll be a little more planned. And hopefully I'll get to see Manda. She basically said as long as I'd drive to see her, lol, that I could. I'm really bummed out about now, but I'm really excited about next week. Ah, right, changing the subject for now. So, my mom now has to take these shot things twice everyday. They're not insulin, but they're supposed to help her metabolize her food better, help her feel like she has more energy, let the food go where it needs to rather than directly into her blood, and probably make her loose weight. The good thing about it helping her loose weight is that if she looses enough, she won't have to take any medicine or worry as much about her blood sugar. Uh, that's it, I think. For now. As you can see, Manda's been on my mind a lot. And things have been happening. OH! Hrm, yea. Someone else's post reminded me of this. Okay, I've spent a lot of this summer around kids. Like, a whole lot, especially for me. Cause, I have no siblings, therefore no nieces or nephews. My closest young child in my family to be around is like 400 miles from Starkville, etc. And he's 5 and spoiled rotten. There's Dre, godson, he's gonna be 2 in Sept. and I've been around him a lot. And although he's starting his terrible 2's, I'm still just like "Oh my gosh, he's so cute." It's more than him just being cute, which, I mean he is adorable. It's about the whole thing of actually having a child and caring for one. It's just amazing. All the things you can show them, teach them, and all the experiences and love. It's just... well... lol, I'm a helluva lot more excited about being a parent than I ever used to be. In addition to Dre, there's Manda's nieces and nephews. Which range technically from a year and a half to 14 (I think 14....pretty sure). I went to her niece's 4th birthday party back in June. Her niece kept coming up to me in their swimming pool, telling me she didn't have anything, then shooting me in the face with a water gun. It was really cute. I was so excited that her niece has gotten where she's not scared of me. She was, which was cool... but as Manda put it, if she'll tell me "boo" then I'm cool. Also, one of her nephew's, the first time I met him, he just had turned 9, he's 11 now, which is amazing to me... I know it is to her. He's a pretty amazing kid. So, basically, before Dre and Manda... I had so not been around kids. (I'm still a lil nervous around babies tho.) I was really uncertain if I wanted kids and all this other stuff. I kinda had thought then that I'd probably want to, but I was not even going to say that to anyone, lol. The other day, Jake mentioned he didn't really want kids. I was just like "Ya know, I want kids, I really do." Most of the time, just in general, babies and kids like me. They smile and wave at me. Dre wasn't nervous around me even tho it'd been a year since I'd seen him. But, I have never been as positive about wanting kids as I am now. In addition to that, I used to be completely against actually having a baby myself. No way was I going to go through that. Just, no. But now, I'm seriously reconsidering that too and thinking that I may want to. The only things I want to make sure of is that I have my life pretty settled, that I've gotten to spend a couple of years just being committed (married, otherwise) to whomever (Manda is who I'm hoping for that to be), and that I'm going to be as ready as I can before I bring children into my life. Also, there'll be more than 1, lol. Don't wanna just have one. I'm freezing and I think I'm going to go take some more pills for cramps. Then maybe a nap. |
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