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 |  Journal writings about my youngest son's journey with spina bifida |
| Yesterday, I had a slight panic attack. Our past year has been slightly stressful. Jack's first year has been, of course, filled with many joys and many tears. We are about two weeks away from buying a bigger house. A two-story with four bedrooms versus the small, three-bedroom ranch we are in at the moment. My husband is the sole provider in our family, while I stay home with our four kids. So, understandably, the decision to commit to a higher mortgage is both scary and daunting. We send our school-agers to a christian school, which is only possible through my husband's bonus every year. This year, his bonus is hovering at 35%; not enough for tuition. So, last evening, when my poor husband came home from work, he had to deal with a panicky, tearful wife. I had my tirade and a few tears. My husband sat and listened, quietly, through it all and said, "We'll be okay. You let me worry about it." Solid and rock-steady, he guides his family through so much. He is our voice of loving calm. I cried that night as I said my prayers. Not out of fear or worry, but out of thankfullness. God, thank you for all your blessings. We have lived in this small house for eight years and it has kept us warm and dry and safe. It has seen our children take their first steps, heard their first words, felt their first crayon marks. We worried when we bought this house, but we placed all our trust in you, and, Lord, you have never faltered. Let us place our trust in you, faithfully again, as we buy this new house. You found this house and showed it to us and gave it to us. May we never forget who is in control. Lord, thank you for my husband. For his strength and his solidness. For taking the worry upon himself to care for his family. For the hours he works, the nights, the weekends, the holidays. May I not grumble at him when he has to work late, but be so thankful that I have a husband that only wants to take care of us. That he works so hard to give everything he can to his family. Christian schools, soccer leagues, horse-riding lessons, and more. Somehow, making sure our children have it, even when it seems impossible. He budgets to the penny, Lord. He is a careful and responsible steward of your gifts. Thank you, that Caitlin and Ashley can to go a christian school. That they come home, talking of bible stories and memorizing bible verses. Caitlin comes to me and tells me she is so glad she can go to her school, because, ". . . they can't talk about God in the public schools, Mom. Isn't that sad? I'm so glad we can!" Lord, let this money that we are using for school, and not for a new car or a fancy vacation, be laying the groundwork in their lives for a strong and lasting relationship with you. Let us, as parents, be showing them our priorities, with you as number one. Every year, Lord, we depend on you for their tuition. From the very first year, when Caitlin was in kindergarten, we have prayed at bonus time. Without that money, we couldn't afford it. And even at times when things seemed bleak, and we didn't think we'd get enough, you were faithful. You have provided. Thank you. Not only for their schooling, but for our trust. If there comes a year, possibly this one, that we can't afford it, then, Lord, let us trust that you know best and you are faithful. Help us to be wise enough to make the right decisions. Lord, I have saved him for the end. Thank you, for Jack. This little boy, who has given us so much laughter and so much happiness. I see him and I wonder at your glory. I am in awe of your grace and your love. We put him in your hands, from the very beginning, Lord. We told you, "You gave us this surprise, this wonderful, new, little baby and you know what you have planned for him." We have trusted as we have never needed to trust before. We have felt comfort in your arms. We have cried on your shoulder. We have thrown our heads back, looking above, and whispered, "Thank you," meaning it more than we have ever meant anything. We have danced. God, thank you for Jack. Thank you for your gift of him. Thank you for all of our children. For Caitlin, so serene and thoughtful. Growing up into a young lady. For Ashley, so full of spirit and joy. Her love is overwhelming and never taken for granted. For Nathan, so charming and sweet. His loving, "I miss you, Momma." when I just run to the grocery store. For Jack. Our Jack. God, you have given us so much. Thank you. |
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