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 |  Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket? |
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Fair Warning: I've upped the rating on this blog. It is now set at GC. |
| Here is the thing about rules. When I trust myself to get it right, I disregard them, resent them even. When I'm feeling insecure or uh . . . stupid, I like to have the step by step carefully mapped out game plan. When I cook, I follow recipes because I'm stupid about cooking. Oh sure, I might substitute something I don't like for something I do, but I'm not going to stray far from the recipe. Baking is different. I know how to bake, and I'll tweak a cookie recipe with no reservations. When it comes to gardening though . . . HA! Rules? I don't think so. And there are books full of them. Plant peonies in the fall. Prune your clematis down to 12" in the spring. Don't mulch Iris. Plant sweet peas on St. Patrick's Day. Whatever. I know what I'm doing, so leave me the hell alone. Yeah! I'm talking to you P. Allen Smith! So what if my pots don't have a spiller, a filler and a THRILLER? Have you seen my life? Do you really think I can work a thrill into every pot? HA! There's always a recipe, but that doesn't mean I have to follow it. |
Today is the last day of Follow the Leader. To make it more interesting I am supposed to mimic another blogger. I don't now how this is going to work. Lucky for me though that I have the option of following a stressed out, fed up Melissa is fashionably late!  . But I digress. Lets get on with this thing.What can I say? It doesn't make any sense to me how men can operate in a complete vacuum as though the needs and wants of others have no sway in their behavior. I feeling stressed out tonight. Between Tony, the kids, and even the dog, I'm feeling tapped. When did I lose control of my life? I don't know when it happened, but, there it is. No control. Because everything that I do and everything that I am is always second in line to whatever they are doing or need to do or need to be. Tony has every intention of going to North Carolina on June 4th. I asked him about it, and he said he'd made plans to go. No shit. I told him that I thought I'd be very clear about my position. He said he guessed he didn't hear it clearly. Because that makes so much sense! What the hell? He heard me. He decided he didn't like my response, and he made plans anyway. I'm getting up early tomorrow morning to take him down to the airport. At the rate we are going, I might not pick him up again next week. So there we go. I can shut up now. |
| The head of our agency is very much into team building type stuff. One time, at a training, we were given a stack of papers with a single word boldly printed on each page. The object was to sort the words into three piles; positive, negative, or neutral. Once that was done, the facilitator asked volunteers to pick a word and explain what pile they'd put it in and why. Depending on the person, CHANGE could be very positive or very negative. That, of course, was the point of the exercise. We all come at the same thing with a different set of experiences and expectations. Today's leading blog is about anticipation. To me, anticipation is one of those words that I'm not sure what to do with. I could call it neutral and just move on, but it doesn't feel like a neutral word. ANTICIPATION tells me that something is coming at me, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. If I know something bad is coming, I DREAD it. If I know something good is coming, I LOOK FORWARD TO it. Anticipation is more of a free floating anxious feeling. Anticipating test results. Anticipating a reorganization at work. Anticipating a UPS delivery. In my case, I'm anticipating my husband's absence. He is leaving on Sunday and will be gone for a week. This is for instructors training for his Krav Maga (Martial Art), and will take him from being a Level 3 instructor to being a Level 4 instructor. Big shakes for him, but there's nothing in this for me. That sounds very selfish, but trust me, I've got nothing on him when it comes to selfish. That said, I kind of like the idea of having him gone, and I'm almost looking forward to it. Almost. If there are problems during the week, I will be on my own to handle them. Inevitably, there are problems (he usually causes them before he leaves), and I end up thinking unkind things about Tony for ducking out and leaving me to manage whatever crisis may arise. He wants to turn around and leave again for four days on the Wednesday after he gets back. He has been asked to help instruct a training in North Carolina. I said HELL NO. I've got contractors coming in to install central air that week. I've got kids in the mad dash toward the end of the school year. He has a new job with limited vacation time that I'd like him to save for . . . Oh I don't know . . . A FAMILY VACATION! I put my foot down and said no. I'm anticipating he'll disregard my wishes, make his own plans and then feign innocence. "I thought we talked about it. I told you I wanted to go. I thought that was what we agreed to." I'm anticipating this because it's what he does. It's a song that's been overplayed. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm sure some of you are too, so I'll be quiet now.  |
| Transcendence via music? I listen to music. I enjoy music, But, I've yet to find the magical, musical portal takes me anywhere special. Sure, I can hear a song and be reminded of a time, place, or person, but a sight, a scent, or even a punchline can all do pretty much the same thing for me. I have so much noise in my head already that I don't take much notice of the soundtrack. If I ever manage a moment of transcendence, I'll let you know, but I don't recall achieving anything of the sort. Oh wait! That isn't entirely true. I can think of several things I have transcended. I could make a list! Hell, I've got nothing much to say, so I will make a list. Stuff Kay has managed to transcend . . . if only briefly. 1. Good judgment 2. Good taste 3. Grace 4. Ambition 5. Sobriety 6. Logic 7. Virginity 8. Celibacy 9. Expectations Decency 10. Relevancy I'd like to think I'm a better person for it.  |
| Okay, we've now come to the part of Follow the Leader where things start to get a little weird. Weird? Well yeah. But what did you expect. I'm following DDWearsmeout , after all So I planned to follow up her entry with a discussion of sex and the produce aisle. One problem though. Look up there  and you'll see that the title for this entry is "How I roll." Let me say this right off the bat. This is NOT how I roll. It really shouldn't be surprising that fruit and sex are linked in our mind. I mean, fruit is pretty much the embodiment of sex. Yep, the fruit is the ripened ovary of the plant along with the seeds. They are plant sex organs. So are flowers. And don't even tell me that you've taken a close look at a pale pink flower with its delicate inner folds deepening to the rich pink throat, and not thought "SEX!" And don't even get me started on the cucumbers! This is where I know I'm not alone because I garden, and I get all the seed catalogs and these things are called "Turbo," and "Thunder," and "Cobra!" I don't even have to ask why. I know. Whether it is a banana, or a melon or a ripe, juicy, ass-shaped peach, we all connect with the sexual suggestiveness of a nice piece of fruit. So, here's the challenge for today. Write a limerick that combines the themes of fruit and sex. When Juan spied the luscious melon Oh his young man-parts started swellin' He cut holes in the side, and then rode it astride. He found it to be quite compellin' That is based on a colorful tale told by galinago who had the misfortune of witnessing the misuse of a watermelon. I'll try to think of more limericks for later, but now I must go back to work.  |
| There is research being done with small groups of trauma sufferers, and the drug propranolol. The drug works by blocking the action of neurotransmitters to cement our memories, and shows potential in the treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We can make the bad things go away. For people who live with the demons of the past, this could literally save lives, but it involves a level of manipulation that don't sit well with me. What would be the legal implications of a victim of violent crime who deletes the memory before justice is served? Would justice ever be served? Our society believes in expanding applications, and I'm afraid we would not stop at treating those who are most profoundly effected by trauma. If we have the ability to banish all our demons, will we give up the notion of coping, preferring to simply purge the darkness, and escape the burden of suffering. What would a psychically cleansed world look like? I'm not sure I'd want to know. What would become of compassion? Of healing, and resilience? Remembering pain is often the stuff that keeps us from repeating our mistakes. There are horrors that we can not live with, but who decides which memories to delete. We are, after all, the sum total of our experiences. What happens if you start chipping away the pain? |
| I like Art, and don't get me wrong, we always have a great time when we get together. We've had a brief but beautiful affair in DC which we later rekindled in Philadelphia and New York. We kind of stopped getting together as often when Art started to insist I pay my own way. I grew up near enough to DC that we visited regularly, and the museums that comprise the Smithsonian Institute do not charge admission. This made for a cheap date with Art. And wasn't I shocked the first time I went to the Philadelphia Art Museum and they had someone taking money at the door. I don't think they called it admission though. It was a suggested donation. Anyway, Art and I don't hang as tight as we used too. I have, what you might call, competing interests. Like right now for example. I have a date with my garden.  Yep, no work for me today! I get a personal day each year for my birthday. In theory it is supposed to be taken in the week of your birthday, but last week got away from me, so I'm taking it today. I plan to work out in the garden if it isn't too wet. That's a big if though, We've had a lot of rain! If it is too wet, I'll head over to the nursery and buy flowers to plant my pots. Either way, I'll be happy. And I just realized that next Monday is Memorial Day. That makes two Mondays in a row that I won't have to work. Woohoo! |
| Half remembered Something once heard Ghosts of the words Faded and blurred Just out of reach I love words. Certain combinations, a clever turn of phrase, or twist of meaning, will linger on in the mists of my mind. At odd times, those ghosts rise up from the mists. Sometimes I can place them. Google helps. I can type in a phrase of lyrics, or a line poetry. If it is not too obscure I might get a hit. Too often though, it is just some odd bit that struck me. Words I wish I'd written. I understand that some college professors have software that they use to detect plagiarism in student papers. The software checks the writing against a vast data base of known work. I would love to have access to something like this. Something that would take a sentence or two, inexactly remembered and identify it as part of a larger work. I would love that, though I would still obsess over the smallest phrases. It would save me so much frustration. No more chasing ghosts through the shrouds of mist, trying to get close enough to distinguish a feature. I know that I know you. But what is your name? |
| Well, the good thing about Follow the Leader is that I don't have to waste a lot of time thinking of titles. The problem is that there are times when I read the lead entry and well . . . I've got nothing. Weird sex stuff? Uh . . . I think I'll pass. That leaves me with . . . what? Teasing. Okay, I guess I can write about teasing. There are times when I cross the line with teasing. I can admit that. Usually it is playful and fun, but it can be defensive. I don't like confrontation, and I approach things with humor because it makes the point, but in a lighter way. Sometimes the point is rather barbed and the humor a bit thin; caustic even. I don't think I'm mean spirited, but sarcasm is just always right there on the tip of my tongue, and I find it hard to pass up a good zing. I occasionally piss people off, but I've come up with a handful of guidelines. 1. Don't do stand up. If you're gonna zing your husband about being a slob, don't play to the audience. You might get away with a single well timed zing, but if you end up doing an entire bit at his expense, it won't be pretty. Yeah, and my friends are the sort to encourage my character assassination if there's a giggle in it for them. 2. Own it. "I was just teasing! Don't be so sensitive!" is a crappy thing to say. I don't do this . . . anymore. 3. A line is a line. Some you just don't cross. Part of the beauty of being in a long term relationship is that you know where the lines are. Threes a handful, right? I hope I made some sort of a point because my mind just isn't making words tonight. "Many a truth is spoken in jest." |
| Alright, I've been playing follow the leader, but tonight I'm going to follow a different leader and answer the question posed by Debi Wharton What are some things about me that will help you know me better? First, please excuse me if I repeat some stuff you already know, and keep your expectations low, I might not make it to 100. 1. I'm a redhead. No one else in my immediate family is a redhead, no aunts or cousins either, but I had a grandparent on each side with red hair. 2. About nine months before I was born, my folks got a new redheaded mail man. 3. I grew up with jokes about the mail man, but didn't know what they meant. For the longest time, whenever someone asked where I got my red hair, I'd answer "the mail man." 4. I have lots of freckles. It goes with being a redhead. 5. My father served in Vietnam. He also happened to be a veterinarian by training. It took me a long time to figure out the Vietnam vets were not all veterinarians. 6. I am the youngest of three children, and the only girl. My husband is the youngest of three, and the only boy. 7. I was an Army brat. I'm still a brat. 8. I've been in 36 out of 50 states, but I've only been to one other country. It was Japan, and I lived there for three years as a child. 9. All of my earliest memories are of Japan, and I was terribly homesick when we moved back to the states. 10. In elementary school, and on through college, I was prone to fainting spells . . . especially when hot and crowded. I was the kid who passed out and fell off the risers at the School Christmas Concert. 11. I was married in July on a very hot day and everyone was amazed that I didn't faint. 12. I don't like being in crowds. 13. I used to be a Brownie, but quit Girl Scouts at the age of 11 when I decided they were all a bunch of hypocrites. 14. Most of my relatives live in Idaho, and I spent many family vacations visiting relatives there. 15. I like to play cards, but I don't play anything that involves bidding or trump cards. I just can't catch on. Rummy 500 is my favorite game. 16. I don't like potatoes unless they are fried. 17. I am sneaky about buying plants. I don't even know why. No one cares! But I sneak them home and try to plant them before my husband notices. 18. My favorite ice cream flavor is Breyer's Strawberry Cheese Cake. 19. The last book I read was Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs. 20. It pains me to say that I'm not reading anything at the moment, but I have a stack of books I want to read. 21. I'm down to just three flamingos in my garden. Several of them did not survive the winter. 22. I rarely wear gloves when I garden, and I have dirt under my nails now. 23. When I was a child I used to cry during "Snoopy, come home." Anyone remember that Peanuts Special. Just hearing the "Come home Snoopy" song was enough to make me cry. 24. Knowing that I don't have access to a bathroom always makes me have to go pee. 25. I have an irrational fear of tents, and won't go inside of one. 26. I don't have any old friends. I've lost track of almost everyone. I'm not very good at friendship stuff. 27. I've never worn red nail polish or red lipstick. 28. I rarely go to the movies. 29. I don't watch any reality shows. 30. I have two cats, Tasha and Stormy. I'm a cat person who married a dog person. 31. My left eye and my left leg are not properly aligned. 32. I was a cross eyed baby, and had surgery at nine months. Now the left eye drift outward, but I have great peripheral vision. 33. I broke my left leg while I was pregnant with my son and the foot and knee are not aligned. 34. The day I broke my leg, was the same day my husband had his vasectomy. 35. I started playing the flute when I was 10. I was so excited because the teacher said I had aptitude. I was an insecure kid and would try anything if someone said I had aptitude. 36. The teacher was wrong. 37. I am mildly dyslexic. Mostly, I've learned to compensate, but I have difficulty reading aloud. 38. On the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, I scored outside the normal range in the area of "Psychopathic Deviance." 39. I once hired a stripper for a party and the experience was ruined when I found out that the stripper knew my then-boyfriend, and had been his residence hall advisor during freshman year. 40. I met my husband in college and one of the first things he said to me was a lie. He told me he was engaged. 41. I love to play Frisbee. I like badminton too, but I'm terrible at it. 42. My father had a signature stamp that my brother and I would use when we had "bad stuff" that had to be signed. 43. I occasionally get phone calls from agents at the Security and Exchange Commission questioning whether we know my father-in-law's where-a-bouts. I don't. He left the country to evade charges when my daughter was only two. 44. I leave out the words "to be" when I speak. Instead, I say "Zack's lunch needs packed," or "the car needs washed." 45. When I laugh, my eyes tear. When I laugh hard, they stream. 46. I prefer to be barefoot whenever possible. 47. I am experimenting with mixing my own potting soil this year, and I have many piles of "ingredients" on the driveway. 48. I'm not sentimental about most stuff, but it is hard for me to get rid of books. 49. When I was twelve, I won third prize in the "Youth, The Strength of America" essay contest hosted by the American Legion. Third prize was a $25 savings bond. 50. In seventh grade we had to keep journals, but could write whatever we wanted. My journal for the entire year was the on-going adventures of Timmy the Toothbrush. I won a creative writing award that year. 51. I got my first ever one star rating today. 52. I will only eat seafood when I am at the beach. 53. I used to put out beer to bait the slugs, but then I found out the neighbors dog was drinking it. 54. I learned to spell "experiment" when I was still in Kindergarten. My brother was struggling with it, and my father drilled him so much that I learned it. 55. I've been known to have premonitions . . . especially when playing Yatzhee. 56. In Japan they celebrated Boy's Day in early May. Being the highly self-righteous, Free to Be You and Me singing, girl child that I was, I took it as a personal affront. They've changed it, and now celebrate Children's Day. I like to think I had something to do with that. 57. I have a recurring nightmare about visiting Japan as an adult, and dropping Zack off at a child care center. In the dream he is always a baby, and when I try to pick him up at the end of the day, I can't find and the center, or read any of the signs, and there is no one who speaks English who can help me. 58. I would rather get carnations than roses. 59. When I chew gum, I blow bubbles. 60. I still have my college ID because It was a good picture of me. The weird part is that it's still in my wallet. 61. Fig newtons are the worst cookie ever. 62. I have plants in the trunk of the car right now that I'll need to sneak out in the morning. 63. My ears are double pierced, but I usually leave the top holes empty. 64. I need a hair cut. My hair is down below my shoulder blades now, and lately I've been wearing it in a pony tail because that's easiest. 65. Last night I had the cat on my lap. I sneezed and it scared her. She spazzed out and I ended up spilling my beer on her. She still smells like beer. 66. 512 is my favorite number, but I like almost any combination of fives and twos. 67. I played a lot of "Truth or Dare" as a kid, and I always chose dare. 68. My friends and I used to play with a Ouija board, and I would intentionally mess with them, but one time when we were playing with it something very weird happened and we never touched it again. 69. I'm a bit immature. The number 69 makes me  70. I'm not good at graciously accepting compliments, but I'm getting better. Alright, I'm tapped out now, so I'll leave it there for tonight. |
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