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My thoughts released; a mind set free |
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These pages contain my thoughts, from meandering ideas and persuasions to deep cerebrations and serious mentations. Why, for what purpose? To release my mind and set creativity free. Somewhere inside the constraints of my mind dwells a writer, a poet, an artist who paints with words. In here, I release those constraints and set the artist free. Perhaps, lost somewhere in the depths of thought, is a story or a poem, waiting to be written. |
| It's another hazy, kind of foggy, and sometimes snowy day here; it can't seem to make up its mind. The only thing certain is no sunshine breaking through the gloominess. Even so, my spirits are brighter than yesterday, and I want to put more focus on writing and reading. One thing I want to at least get started on is cleaning my office. It's more of a junk room right now, and even with two desks in there, I'd be hard-pressed to find room to set my coffee down. I think getting my office cleaned up may help me break through some of the writer's block. Currently, I'm sitting back in my recliner with my laptop and subject to multiple interruptions throughout the day. I believe having a space designated just for writing will help, but I know it will take a bit more to overcome the blockage. Another step is to get back into reading. As a kid, I read anything when I wasn't actively engaged in some activity; I loved reading almost as much as I loved exploring the abandoned mining pits that were right outside of town. However, some years ago, life filled my days with so many interruptions and distractions that I became flustered with both writing and reading. In time, the discouragement became rooted and grew into the blockage I suffer today. It's time to change that, even if it means locking myself in my office and putting earplugs in. If I cannot find anything to write about, I'll do a bit of free writing to try and generate ideas to write about. I'm also going to practice a bit of positive meditation to try and drive the dark cloud that's haunted my days and nights since last spring away. I also thought about ordering a solar panel to put a little sunshine in my office, but in reading up on them, I discovered they don't work that way. One would think a solar panel would produce sunlight and heat. You know, a portable source of sunshine. However, it seems the term is misleading; the panel isn't solar at all. It seems they don't produce solar energy, but in fact require sunlight to work. |
| Some days are more challenging than others, as you all are very aware of. For me, this has intensified with my diagnosis of cancer, treatment, and recovery rates. Knowing there's only a 35% probability that I can beat this creates a dark shadow that is never too far away. But, I try and focus on being one of those 35 out of a hundred, I do my best to chase the dark clouds away through positive thinking and all the blessings in life. But still, some days are more challenging. For example, I haven't seen the sunshine in a week now, and that in itself is depressing. Also, the days are short, with less than nine hours of sunshine a day this time of year. I do my best to counter the darkness, but it's depressing in itself. I was also friends with all four neighbors who live around me. Cliff lived on the north side but moved over a year ago. His health was failing, and it was too much for him and his wife to keep their place up. He moved into an apartment closer to his children, who could help out. Another friend who lived just south of me also moved a couple of hours away because of problems he had with our new landlord; he was the source of the problem, and he could be difficult at times, but he was still a friend. The other neighbor to the south of me (it's two apartments) died earlier this month. I watched them carry him out in a body bag. To the west was another friend who moved after Christmas. He, like me, was introverted and kept to himself most of the time, but we talked at least once a week. He moved down to the Twin Cities to live with his son. Being an introvert and somewhat new to this area, we moved here in 2020 during the pandemic, I don't have many friends. I was a bit surprised by how quickly Steve and I became friends, and in helping Brian out, we also developed a friendship. Cliff was friendly, and we talked often, while Randy kind of did his own thing most of the time. But when I'd sit out with the dogs, he'd come over and visit. He worked part-time at Amor Pork and would bring over a pack of bacon or smoked pork chops. He got them for free when they were close to expiring. He's the one who got us a great deal on a whole pork. Other than these four people, my wife, and our dogs, I don't really have any other friends, and in just a few months, I lost four of them. Sure, we keep in touch over the phone, but it's not the same as visiting and having coffee, or going out fishing, or working on projects together. Today I had a video conference with some people from palliative care who are supposed to be making things easier for me as I recover from chemo and try to get on with my life. Unfortunately, the person I was talking to didn't seem to listen to what I was asking or talking to her about. Instead, she continued to focus on the probability of my cancer returning and how I want to spend my last days, who to care for me, if I want to die at home or in a care facility, etc. After an hour of listening to her and the gloom and doom of dying from cancer, I'm having a difficult time clearing that dark cloud away, and it's not helping that my wife's at work and I don't have anyone to talk to until she gets home. For now, I'll talk to Max. He's always good about talking back to me, even if I don't understand Husky. Bellah is right beside me and trying to get me to throw a toy for her every chance she gets; she doesn't understand that throwing her toy makes her happy, not me, but that's an Australian Shepard's reasoning. For now, I'm thinking about dinner and hopefully can get the thoughts running through my head quieted down. |
| We had another nice day (nice by January standards in northern Minnesota, anyway). It was almost thawing out, but gloomy; a light fog held fast through the day. That's one of my biggest gripes about living this far north: the days are too damn short, although we are up to seven hours and forty-three minutes of daylight now, and there are too many overcast days. And, when the sun does shine, it's usually very cold. I can hardly wait for the day when nuclear fusion is available to the common person. A small fusion device to provide power to the home, and my very own little sun to sit under during the winter. Anyway, I was saying it was a nice day today, so we decided to go into town and do a bit of grocery shopping. The idea was to leave the dogs at home, but as soon as they heard us discussing this plan, they understood and made known to us that they wanted to go with us. Since it was so nice out, we gave in and brought them along. This also provided us with an opportunity to bring them over to Sunnybrook Park and let them run and play for a while. I had just worn a light jacket with a sweatshirt under it, a light pair of gloves, and my stocking hat. I also wore a pair of work boots instead of my snowpacks. By the time we finished shopping and got to the park, the wind had picked up, and a light freezing drizzle was falling. I froze what little butt I have left off. Seriously, I'm lucky I had bib overalls on, or I would have lost my pants since I no longer had any ass (or hips) to hold regular pants up. I know better, living here most of my life; never trust the weather. This is not the first time I've been caught outdoors in the winter without proper clothing, but I was younger and ignorant back then and learned from my mistake. Yes, even though I wasn't dressed for the change in today's weather, I do keep a winter survival kit in my vehicle, complete with extra clothing, blankets, hand warmers, emergency food, and water. The forty-five-minute drive home ended up taking an hour and twenty minutes because of the icy roads, but that's winter in Minnesota. |
I was just over at "What the Fork?"  and posted a complaint about blockage and my desire to be free of it. I'm referring to a mental block when it comes to writing. For me, writing is a means of escape from life's difficulties, a way to work out problems, and a means of sharing with others. It's also how I reset and recharge.Sure, I write in my blog, but it's factual, not fiction. I need to lose myself in my own imagination, but it seems I've closed that door, locked it, and now I can't find the forking key! I think part of the problem stems from not reading. I've tried, but it seems the blockage also prevents me from getting lost in a good book. Hell, I can't even seem to find a good book to read. I've subscribed to Kindle Unlimited so I can find and read a lot of stories, hoping that by reading some good fiction, it will grease my cognitive gears and maybe some good fiction will start pouring out again. I enjoyed the phrase in Batman (1989) by the Joker, "This town needs an enema!" In my case, I would need to change it: "My brain needs an enema." |
| I changed my photo to an old one. It's my Husky, Max, and my wife's Australian Shepard, Bellah, when they were still puppies. They are snuggled up by the patio door, where they still enjoy lying and looking out, always on the lookout for squirrels. The photo above was taken years ago, 2008, I think. We lived in a small town in eastern South Dakota. Hazel was about four blocks from east to west and three blocks from north to south. We lived on the east side of town, the very first (or last) house. One morning, I woke to a heavy fog and took the picture that graces my blog. The photo of the dogs reminds me how fast time passes and to appreciate each day. The photo of the sunrise behind the railroad tracks in the fog reminds me to focus on the here and now: "We never know what lies ahead." I hope the new year is good for everyone. |
| I'm a little behind but doing pretty well after a recent illness. I stayed home for Christmas instead of attending a family gathering at my sister-in-law's. Why? Because I didn't want to catch any bugs from anyone; with a weakened immune system, I'm more susceptible to catching illnesses. Who would have thought that I would catch one of those nasty bugs from the food that was sent home for me to enjoy? My wife, knowing I have a cat allergy, showered and changed clothes as soon as she got home. She was also concerned because a couple of people who attended the get-together were still recovering from illnesses. (I don't understand why anyone who is ill would attend and risk spreading their illness, but some people don't seem to care.) But, with my wife's precautions, I did not react to the cat dander she likely brought home, and neither of us contracted any of the illnesses she was exposed to. What we didn't know was that some of the food sent home would expose me to food poisoning! Nobody else got sick, but the leftovers sent home for me did sit out after dinner instead of being refrigerated right away. No matter what the cause was, I enjoyed the food, but by that evening, I was feeling sick. Mostly, I was suffering from abdominal cramps and pain, something I endure quite often as an after-effect of chemo. Therefore, I didn't give it much thought. But by the following day, I couldn't eat anything. The thought of eating made me feel nauseated, and even trying to drink water resulted in it coming back up. I did use the anti-nausea medication I have, but it didn't do any good. I was also losing a lot of fluid through diarrhea. My wife had to work the day after Christmas, so she didn't get home until after eleven that evening. She was concerned about my well-being and called the hospital. If my condition didn't improve by the next morning, she was to bring me to the emergency department. By the next morning, I had slept very little and was sicker than hell; she helped me to the car and took me to the hospital. The first diagnosis was severe dehydration, so they plugged me into a bag of saline water while they ran more tests. While I was being rehydrated, I started suffering from dry heaves; I was throwing up, but there wasn't anything to come up, I was also feverish, weak, and suffering a lot of abdominal pain. They injected a few medications through the IV. It stopped the dry heaving, and I think lowered my fever, but I don't remember much after the initial diagnosis; I passed out. I woke later that afternoon in a hospital room. I was wired to an EKG monitor as a result of going into Afib and having some breathing problems. I had my port accessed, and a couple of bags hung from the IV tree into the pumps that dispensed their contents into my port. The doctor came in after an hour, but my wife had already told me that I had some type of food poisoning and was severely dehydrated on top of that. The doctor further explained that my weakened condition from chemo and my lowered immune response had made things much worse. He insisted on my staying in the hospital until my blood tests came back normal and I had more fluids to counter my being so dehydrated. In the end, I spent three days in the hospital as they treated me for the toxins in my blood, rehydrated me, and fed me nutrients and lipids through an IV. I was only able to have clear liquids for the first twenty-four hours I was in the hospital, then I was moved up to soft foods until I was discharged on December 30th. Even though I was told, "No alcohol!" I did have a couple of brandies with water for New Year's Eve. I've also been enjoying solid food. I firmly believe it was one last attempt of 2025 to do me in before it died and the New Year arrived. |
Merry Christmas Yes, I say Merry Christmas, and I hope it doesn't offend anyone. It shouldn't, even if you do not celebrate the day, it's still named Christmas. My calendar has many non-Christian holidays listed throughout the year, and none of them are offensive to me; I don't celebrate them. But if anyone wishes me a happy or joyful holiday, no matter what the day is, I thank them for their kind thoughts.To All! So, for those who celebrate Christmas, I wish you a very wonderful Christmas. For those who do not celebrate Christmas, I still wish you a very wonderful day. And, if you do feel offended, then please accept my apology, and happy holidays to you and your families. |
| My wife and I had a morning filled with a lot of information. Questions were answered, and many options to improve my quality of life were discussed. Within a week or so, I should be getting some different medications that sound promising. It amazes me how much more the VA is doing compared to my oncologist and the cancer center I've been treated at. Although very helpful, the meeting was lengthy, involving a social service provider, the doctor's nurse, and finally the doctor herself. It took us into early afternoon, and with so much information, I'm looking forward to receiving a lot of it in the mail in the upcoming week. Once we finished the online meetings, we had some leftovers for lunch and then headed once again to Glendalough State Park to do a short hike and to let the dogs run and frolic. It was another nice day, above freezing and just a mild breeze. Even so, the cold still gets to me, but hopefully that sensitivity to cold will soon be a thing of the past. Tonight we will have our Christmas dinner, nothing fancy, but we did splurge on a duck as the main course, something that had vanished from the store shelves with the onslaught of Covid and just recently returned to the meat cooler. Tonight we will open one gift from each other, the rest tomorrow morning after we get up and get some coffee going. After, I'll spend the day at home, but my wife will go to her relatives for a family dinner. I was thinking about going as well, but there are going to be a lot of people there, many of them with kids, and I don't want to risk contracting anything from them with my weakened immune system. Also, the relative hosting the dinner has quite a few cats. I love cats, but I'm allergic to them, and again, with a weakened immune system, it's best to stay away. And yet another reason to stay home, they only have one bathroom, and as of yet, I have not fully recovered from the digestive issues of chemo and need to have access to a bathroom at all times, as I never know when or how bad nature will call. I don't feel bad about missing. I'm going to enjoy some quiet time with our dogs and with anyone else who logs in here. Being an introvert, busy family gatherings tend to be trying, and I often find or manufacture good reasons to exit, stage left. A final thought I want to share is this: We really do need to stop killing moles for their mole-asses! |
| Another late night. One of our neighbors came over with a package of Christmas cookies and a card for us this morning. The cookies she brought were peanut butter and molasses, two my wife didn't bake this year. After we did our turn at delivering cookies to the neighbors, providing her with some she hadn't baked. From there it was a trip into Wadena to do a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping. We, my wife and I, did most of our shopping, but still needed to pick up a few things for relatives and for stocking stuffers. Since we both had to do a bit of shopping, we took turns. First, she shopped, I waited in the vehicle with the dogs, then I shopped while she puppy-sat. After shopping and picking up some stuff for tacos, our dinner for the night, we headed into my wife's work. One of the residents she cared for passed away on Monday. He liked to paint, but because of his condition, he needed a bit of help when he painted. My wife would go in on her days off and assist him. He used oil paints, something different for my wife, so he taught her how to paint with oil as she assisted him. Anyway, the family left all his painting supplies for my wife, knowing she would appreciate them, and to show their appreciation for the friendship she shared with him. By the time we got home and fixed dinner, ate, and cleaned up it was nine o'clock. So, now it's time to relax and watch the boob-tube, but I need to maintain my streak in here first. Not much time for anything more tonight, but hopefully tomorrow I can get caught back up. |
| Yesterday we took Max, our Husky, and Bellah, our Australian Shepard, over to Glendalough State Park to do a bit of hiking and to let them run and burn off some energy. We have camped at Glendalough in the past, but it's a cart-in campground. You park your vehicle, unload, and use a provided cart to haul everything to your campsite. No campers (except for the camp host), no electricity, just tents and roughing it. There are two lakes within the park that are connected by a small river that we explored partly by kayak when we camped there. Now days, tent camping is out; it became too much work to haul everything, set up the tent, and sleeping on the ground is difficult and uncomfortable. But, we do want to explore the park fully since we weren't able to when we camped. This means we will need to kayak the two lakes and the river connecting them as well as hike some trails that are only accessable by water. They actually have a couple of yurts and a campsite on the backside of Annie Battle Lake that are only accesable by water. But, to kayak that far and back to the landing means I need to work my ass off to get in shape. I haven't kayaked in over a year, I had put on too much weight for my kayak and had finally lost enough to kayak again, but this past spring, summer, and fall were not good for kayaking or much of anything else. Now, my weight is down even more; I'm close to my ideal wight. But, I'm also very much out of shape. I have the winter months to work on regaining my strength and stamina, and come spring I'll be doing a lot of kayaking and hiking, starting easy and building back up to where I was a couple years ago. |
| Yes, I'm talking about shapes, but in reference to one's own body. While I have always been in good shape, the shape of my body hasn't always been the healthiest. Even though I was breaching the three-hundred-pound mark for a spell, I could still hike for miles up and down hills, I could still kayak, although I couldn't use my sit-on-top because I was fifty pounds over capacity, and it would roll over with the slightest movement. I could do most everything I did before my weight shot up that high. I do admit that putting on my shoes and socks was more difficult, but I managed. The weight shot up because I was used to working in a sawmill. Not only was it very active work, but some of the green wood I'd handle was in excess of a hundred pounds; logs and timbers I tossed around daily for eight hours a shot. This burned calories like they were kindling. But when I quit working this kind of work do to a severe hernia, I quit burning three to four thousand calories a day, but my appetite didn't diminish. Then there was the surgery and the large patch they stuck in me to fix the hernia. For a month, I was inactive, and for the next month, only slightly active. After I healed, I took a job working security. I was on my feet a lot, but it was nothing like sawmill work and only a bit more active than when I was doing office work. So, the weight piled on relatively fast, but as many know, it never goes off as quickly as it goes on. Fat cells are like obnoxious relatives who come to visit even though you prefer they don't. All it takes is a few minutes for them to drag all their luggage in and get settled, but it takes a small miracle to get them back out of the house; fat is the same. Anyway, I did manage to lose weight and get back down to the mid-two-hundred-pound range, but it stayed there, and I've tried for years to get back under two hundred. Last spring, when I went in for the endoscopy that revealed my cancer, they weighed me at two hundred and sixty-seven pounds. This morning, our digital scale, which is spot on with the hospital scale, indicated I was now at one hundred and ninety-five pounds. It's a good thing I had the extra weight to see me through the chemo and surgeries, or there wouldn't be anything left except a stick man! So, the weight I do not miss, but unfortunately, it wasn't all fat that I disposed of; I also lost some muscle through it all. I now have a difficult time carrying in and loading the water softener with salt or scooping and throwing snow. I knew I lost some muscle, but I didn't realize how much until today. We took the dogs to a state park south of us and hiked just under seven-tenths of a mile. It was a pretty level trail, partly covered in packed snow and a bit of ice, but easy walking. The first half was easy, anyway. The second half was a cross-country ski trail, and the last tenth of a mile back to the parking area wasn't on the trail. Yes, my wife and I went off-road through the foot-deep snow. I was huffing and puffing, but still determined to go over the snow bank (about five or six feet high) at the end of the parking lot. My wife, being the smarter of us, went around. Even my Husky was smart enough to go around, but I was going over. I wanted to limb it as I did as a kid; king of the hill! Last winter, I would have scrambled my much fatter self up that little snow bank with little effort, but today, I had to use my hands to get up it; my legs were not strong enough and too fatigued from the hike! I have a hell of a lot of work to build up my muscles, and it's the wrong time of year to do it; it's much too cold for me most days to go out and really work my legs. I can do some weight lifting at home, I have a weight bench and weights. I've just been feeling too sick to do much. Now that I'm feeling better most days, I could spend some time pumping iron. I'm also going to be joining a gym/fitness center after Christmas so I can use their equipment to work my core and legs; it's time to get back into proper shape. |
| Sometimes, days go by, and a person mistakenly thinks it's a different day than it actually is. This is especially true when a person is recovering from a sickness or chemo (medically induced sickness). Usually I check the calendar early in the day so I know about upcoming appointments and such, but sometimes there's a lull in the normally busy schedule. That's the case now. My wife is off work, but it's a changing schedule, so I never know for sure what days she works or what days she has off. I was thinking she had weekdays off on her current rotation, and never even checked the calendar. I decided that while she did some more of her Christmas baking, I would run into town and pick up some ground beef, something for supper, and some chicken grit. I warmed up the vehicle (it's only 7°F), loaded up the dogs and drove the six miles into town, heading to the locker plant to pick up some freshly ground beef and fresh meat (we were undecided what to have for dinner), then I was going to go next door to the feed store for the chicken grit. No, we do not have chickens, but we have ice, lots of ice. I was going to get sand to sprinkle in the driveway for traction, but I was informed yesterday, while visiting some of my in-laws, that chicken grit works better and it's cheaper. (Winter in Minnesota drives the price of salt and sand higher.) But, the feed store and locker plant, both part of the Cenex farmer's coop, are not open on the weekends. I know this, but I thought it was a weekday and didn't realize my mistake until I pulled into the parking lot and saw that they were closed. I was confused for a minute, maybe even less, then checked my phone; Saturday, no wonder they're closed. I pulled out and drove to the local grocery store, and looked around for something that looked good for dinner. I decided on chicken wings, seasoned and baked with a vegetable stir-fry for a side. The vegetables are all prepped and waiting for the chicken, which is smelling delightful as it bakes. |
| I slept in for a change and likely needed the rest. After getting up and having my coffee, we loaded up the dogs and drove into town to fill the five and three-gallon water jugs we use for our drinking water since ours is so heavy with iron. Then we returned home and dropped off the water and the dogs before we took off to deliver some Christmas cards to relatives in the area. Normally, we mail them, but this year I thought delivering them would be nice. Also, with my chemo infusions all spring, surgery in July, and then more chemo through the fall, I haven't been up to visiting them, and since I'm still not recovered fully, I likely won't make the Christmas get-together since it's at a home with a lot of cats and I'm allergic. After dropping off cards and visiting it got kind of late, so for the first time in months, we went out to eat. I had a junk basket, an assortment of deep-fried goodies, and my wife had a small pizza. The food was good, but way more than I could eat. I did my best, but there was still plenty to bring home. After our meal, we stopped to pick up some groceries, and that's when the stomach pain hit. I knew it would, but it was even more intense, and I was barely able to finish shopping. Now, I'm wiped out; it was too much for the day, but it was an enjoyable overdoing it. My stomach has settled down, and I'm about ready to call it a day and head off to bed. Note to self: Do not overdo things, just take it easy and give it time. |
| That one word describes today quite well. It's a term I remember from my childhood: "You'll want to dress warm if you go outside, it's a blustery day." We went from mellow and warm (for northern Minnesota) to cold, windy, and gray; a dreary, blustery day. The forecast is for snow, and we are under a winter weather advisory; however, we have only received a light dusting of snow. Hopefully, we don't get any more because it's icy everywhere from the thawing temperatures of the last two days. With the winds gusting up to fifty mph, the drifting snow would make driving (and walking) very dangerous. I'm just staying inside, except for the occasional potty break for the dogs. My wife, however, had to drive to work, six miles in the country and another mile through town. The conditions out in the country are pretty good, but in town, the intersections were very icy yesterday. The last thing she needs is a lot of drifting and low visibility when she drives home tonight. I'm thinking it's a great day to do some reading, and maybe later, I'll get back in here to see what's going on. |
| It's currently 36°F outside, not as warm as yesterday, which was in the mid forties, but still pretty nice out. I started my pickup and drove it a bit, since it's been parked in the garage for a couple of weeks, and I started and took my wife's car for a drive as well. We parked it since it needs some work done, but I still like to run it and drive it when it's nice out. With the warmth comes thawing, and with the thawing comes water, which quickly turns to ice on the cold ground. Thankfully, the roads are good, but parking lots and driveways are all icy and slick. I drove into town earlier today to pick up some salt to use on the sidewalks and steps, and the parking lot looked fit for ice skating. Luckily, it was flat, or I don't think we would have been able to exit onto the road. I'm feeling better today, but still not completely over what-ever-the-hell got me yesterday. I had a pumpkin bar (my wife has started her Christmas baking) for breakfast, and that settled all right. For lunch, I had a bowl of chili, and that may have been a bit much on my stomach; it didn't settle well. I should be thinking about something for dinner, but I really don't feel like eating anything yet. I did get caught up in here tonight. I have the torpedo heater from storage back in the garage and ready for the next arctic blast of air; the weather app states negative fourteen degrees Farenhiet for tomorrow night. We don't need it for the vehicles; they have block heaters. If I want to do anything or I'm up to doing anything out there, however, I need some heat. Anyway, it's getting to be time to do something about dinner. If not for me, then for the Max and Bellah. Just because I don't feel like eating anything yet doesn't mean a Husky and an Australian Shepard aren't hungry. ACtually, I don't think there's a time when they aren't. |
| The endoscopy went well; everything is looking good. The probem was, I didn't eat enough yesterday. I missed breakfast, had a light lunch, and of course couldn't eat anything later because of the endoscopy. I only took in a tad over 800 calories yesterday. Today I was famished, but couldn't eat or drink anything until after the endoscopy, which took till noon. Instead of waiting to get home to eat, we decided to grab somethig at a Casey's when we filled up with gas. Popcorn chicken sounded good along with some cheese and potato balls. They were pretty good, for gas station food, and with the honey mustard dip, I enjoyed them. It also put food in me, which also helped—for a little while. About fifteen minutes after eating, however, my stomach and lower abdomen began to ache and cramp. The rest of the ride home was miserable, and once home, I made a mad dash for the bathroom. By this time, I was feeling miserable and decided to lie down for a while. I don't know how long I dozed in a kind of half-sleep, half-awake state. I do know that all of a sudden, I felt very nauseated and had to get up and take some anti-nausea medication. It did it's job and the nausea soon passed, but then the sweating started. Not just a little sweating, I was dripping and soaked. I also felt like I was burning up. My wife checked my temperature; no fever. But soon after the sweating and overheating started, I felt chilled. I'm still chilled to the bone and cannot get warm. In short, my abdomen aches, I have no energy, and I'm freezing. Not just feeling cold, my body is also cold. I assume it was something with the food, but my wife thinks it my be a reaction to the endoscopy I had today. She ate the same foods as I did from Casey's, and she didn't have any problems. I'm going to try and get my stuff done in here, but I may just shut down and return to bed. Hopefully, I can keep up my streak before I do. |
| I'm late getting in here again today. Well, I reckon tonight would be more accurate. It was kind of a busy day; tomorrow will be another. I slept in until almost noon, but I was up half the night after a nightmare. I was unable to move in my dream, but I was alive. I couldn't even move my eyes or blink; all I could do was lie there and stare unblinking at the blue sky. I don't know if it was warm or cold, I couldn't tell. But after a while somebody leaned over and looked down at me. "I think he's dead." Another person leaned in, "Maybe we should check his vitals to make sure." "Why? According to the call, he's been lying out here for over an hour. I'm sure he's dead. Let's just bag him up and go get some lunch. We can drop him off at the morgue after we eat. I'm starving." And so, in my dream, ungentle hands lifted and stuffed me into a body bag, zipped it up so I was staring up and blackness, and was roughly handled into the back of the meat-wagon. That's also when I woke, and in a panic, fought to get free of the body bag. But it was only my blankets, and after a few seconds, reality moved in, and the horrid nightmare lost a bit of its power over me. But, it was no use trying to go back to sleep; my mind was going bonkers over a hundred different things. I got up and poured myself a brandy and tried to read a little. After a good hour, maybe hour and a half, and another brandy, I was tired and falling asleep in my chair. It was just beginning to get light outside. I know it was a result of watching them haul my friend and neighbor out of his apartment in a body bag. I had time to eat a quick lunch, shed my pajamas, and get dressed so I could make my appointment at the infusion center. I needed to have my port accessed, get a liter of saltwater pumped in, and have some blood work done for my appointment in Fargo tomorrow to have another endoscopy and at the same time, have my throat stretched so I can eat without having the food hang up. |
| It's been an interesting day, and a sad one. One of my neighbors, and my friend, moved this summer. He could be a bit rough around the edges and not the easiest person to get along with sometimes, but I found it to be a good test of patience and a chance to reflect on a lot of what I've learned in my Bible studies. In the end, it was sad to see him move, and at the same time, a bit of a relief. We still keep in touch, and once I'm feeling better, I want to make the four-hour drive to visit him. On the other side of the building lived another man I thought of as a friend. He was homeless for a spell, living out of his van, but our landlord found him sleeping in his van in the driveway to an open apartment and gave him a good deal on the place. I met Brian shortly after we moved in, and despite his filth (he seldom bathed or changed clothes and lived much like he did when he was homeless) I found him to be a very nice guy. He also tended to be a hoarder and was terrible at throwing anything, even trash, away. But he would come over once in a while when we sat outside, and he would visit. I don't think he had any family around, and he didn't really have any friends, although he did attend a local church, and there were a few people there who would help him out on occasion. Brian enjoyed writing, although he didn't trust or use the internet. He wrote in MS Word and saved most of his writing to flash drives. One day a few years back, the summer before last, his computer crashed. It was an old desktop model with an old-fashioned monitor. He came over and asked me if I could help him get it up and running again. Despite the mess in his apartment, I did my best to help. There was a path to get through, nothing more. He had room for one person to sit on the couch, and at the table, the rest of the place was piles of stuff; stacks of old papers, bags filled with who knows what, and garbage. He was a heavy smoker, and the inside of his apartment was a smelly brown coating of nicotine and tar from his cigarettes; even the windows were so coated you could not see through them. The smell was offensive, and I found it difficult to breathe, but I stayed and did my best trying to get his antiquated system up and running again. It was no use, and in the end, I had to tell him he needed a new computer; his was shot. I thought he was going to break down and cry! He lived off social security and barely received enough to make his payments. The church helped out with donated clothes, and one of the other church members bought him four cartons of cigarettes a month. He used an old phone he had through Straight Talk, another gift from the church, along with his monthly phone card. I had a Dell desktop computer I used seldomly after I got my laptop, so I gave it to him. I had to use my phone's hotspot to connect to the internet and get it all set up and registered for him. It took a good half a day, and it was rough staying in his apartment for that long, but he was a nice guy, and I felt for him. After we finally got it set up and working, he tried it out, and again, I thought he was going to break down and cry; this time, tears of happiness welled up in his eyes. He offered me some canned food, mostly soups and Hormel dinners. He offered me a carton of cigarettes when I turned down the food. I politely declined, telling him that just seeing him that happy was all the payment I needed. Shortly after, he again asked for some help. This time he was trying to get his old printer to work with the newer computer. But it wasn't compatible. It was an old-time dot-matrix printer that was likely geared towards Windows 3! We had discussed getting a new printer ourselves; ours was old and did not print pictures very well. So I talked to Rhonda, my wife, and she agreed, we would by a new printer and give him the old one. It printed text fine, but photos had streaks; he wanted to print out some of his writing and just needed a printer that would work with the Dell and print in black and white. I helped him get it set up and even purchased a few packs of cartridges, both colored and black, because I knew he didn't have any money to buy ink. When we finished, and he printed out a page, in color, I thought he was going to start dancing; he was so excited and could not understand why I was being so kind to him. I explained that in our Bible studies, we were told to reflect on others the grace our Lord gives to us. He doesn't get out much in the winter, and with the cold, it didn't seem odd that his old van hadn't moved in a while. After a couple of weeks had gone by, I started to worry. I told the landlord that I hadn't seen him out and about since the first week of the month and was concerned. Our landlord was also concerned, Brian had not paid his rent, and was always good at paying when he got his social security check. When he tried to call, he found Brian's phone was also not working. So, the landlord went over and found a lot of mail in his rural box; the door wasn't locked, and the light was on inside, as well. But he did not find Brian. We talked after he came out and decided maybe someone from the church had taken him to the hospital or something, so the landlord contacted the church. No one had seen or heard from Brian in a couple of weeks. The pastor informed the sheriff's office yesterday, and today they showed up at his apartment. They were inside for a short time, then back out to their cars. I went out and inquired, but was instructed to return home, so I did. A short time later, a van pulled up, and another guy went inside, then came back out and talked to the deputies. All three went back in and shortly after came back out with a body bag; it was easy to see there was a body inside. I contacted my neighbor, who had moved; I knew he and Brian had been friends; I thought he would want to know. I also contacted our landlord and told him that they had found Brian inside his apartment. I did inquire with the deputy, and he was nice about it, but couldn't give out much information until they contacted any next of kin. He asked me questions, and I answered the best I could. I also gave them the landlord's name and phone number; hopefully, they can give more information. They told me that Brian had not been dead for long, and there was no smell; the reason no one saw him was that when he collapsed, he fell into a pile of bags, which had fallen on top of him. They offered no more information. I doubt I'll ever know if he lay there for long and suffered, or if he died quickly. Feeling down over all this, I decided to call my oldest and find out how things went for him. He had surgery on his kidney a week ago to remove a small lump that was filled with fluid. On my ex-wife's side of the family, I guess there is a history of this, but it's just fluid and not cancerous. This is what the doctors also thought at first, but after removing it and having it biopsied, it turns out my boy also has cancer. Luckily, his was found early and contained. It sounds like his treatments will be easier than what I had to endure, and his cancer is highly treatable. He will find out more on his next doctor's visit and let me know more. I'm hoping that in another week or so, I'll be up to traveling. I really do need to see my children and my grandchildren. He has two, my youngest has four, and two of my step-children have kids, one has four, the other two. I haven't seen much of them since my diagnosis and treatments started because they didn't want to expose me to any sickness, and kids are great at spreading sickness. Now that my chemo is done and my immune system is recovering, I long to see all of them again. Today, and this whole damn year, has been a reminder that life is precious and way too short. I don't know how long I have left, maybe a year, maybe two. Then again, if I fall into the 35% that beat this thing, I could have many more years. I'll stay positive that I am in the 35% and take it from there. I was told that if the cancer doesn't return in five years, chances are it won't so I'm going for five. I do know I want to make the most of every day I have left. There's no room to be bitter towards ass-hole drivers or other people who tend to get on my nerves. No, I don't have the energy or the time to be negative; I do not want to waste even an hour being stressed or upset over anything. It's time to reflect on life and to live each day like it's the last. |
| To everyone who commented on my last entry, thank you so much. Your kind and positive comments are so uplifting and encouraging. And also know, through all the treatments, your prayers have been answered, and Ive weathered the storm of treatment better than most. With every visit and every lab my care team and infusion team have constantly told me that I'm not only doing great, but that I'm not getting nearly as sick as most others have. That, my friends, is the power of your prayers! From the movie, Kelly's Heroes, I quote Oddball, "Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!" I have to admit that after hearing the news, I was pretty depressed both Thursday after hearing it and yesterday. I'm not ashamed to say that throughout the day yesterday, the tears would start flowing. Today I'm doing better; my positiveness has returned. According to my oncologist, I do have a thirty percent chance of making the next five years without the cancer returning; if the cancer has not returned in five years, it's highly unlikely it will ever return. For the last six months, it's been one day at a time. This is now a way of life for me. I'm not saying anything to my children or stepchildren until well after the holidays; I don't want to tarnish their joy and add any sad memories. Some time after, I will inform them of my odds; it's only fair that they know. But I will also share with them my positive attitude and my will to beat this thing. For now, it's one day at a time; that's what my Lord grants me. I also know that only He can call me home, and if it's not my time, He will heal me until it is my time. Again, thank you all for everything. You are wonderful! |
| I had my online meeting with a VA oncologist today. She was great, honest, and upfront. She is out of Carolina, but does a lot of work with people all over the states, and with many cancer centers, including Roger Maris, the one I go to. She has also worked with my oncologist and has other patients who see him. She went over all he's done and agrees with the treatment and the imunology fr another ten months. It was a relief learning he's a good doctor and doing everything right; he just doesn't communicate things to me. The VA oncologist was surprised that he had not told me everything. She did. My cancer is very aggressive and very difficult to kill off. Untreated my life expectancy would have been three to six months. But with the aggressive chemo, I get longer to live. How much longer? That's uncertain; a year or two is what she said is the time frame for the cancer to return, and there is only a slight chance that it won't. Yes, there is only a small probability that the cancer won't return, and in most cases it resurfaces in a year or two after treatment. WE did talk about possible treatments and actions if or when it returns, but it all depends on where the cancer attacks and how healthy I am. There is a possibility that I may continue my immunology longer, and she's looking into other possible ways to keep the cancer at bay. I see her again in three months, after my next scan. She also told me there isn't much they can do to even detect the cancer in my body until it starts to grow. Then it will show on the CT Scan. It sounds like I will have a CT Scan every three months to look for the dreaded beasts' return. How am I handling this news? I'm doing alright, but a bit depressed. This is way too close to the loss of my mother back in the nineties. She beat the cancer, but only for a year. She spent Christmas in the hospital receiving treatments. After, her oncologist told us that her cancer would likely return in a year or two. We got one more year to spend with her. By the next Christmas, the cancer was back, and halfway through January, she was gone. I'll do my best to keep a positive attitude, and I'm putting my trust in God. Maybe the doctors can't stop this type of cancer, but I know my Lord can; that's where I put my trust. |
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