"Blue Eyes"

Through the window I peer, unnoticed. She’s been cheating on me for weeks now, somehow she doesn’t know I know. The young man she’s fucking, his name is Joe, what an unimportant name. The front doors calling my name but the gun in my hand keeps me still. I know if I go in, I’ll kill them both, without hesitation. I hate liars.

She’s going down now, sucking his dick like the cure for cancer’s inside. To bad I can’t control my temper, everything built up inside of me screams for an exit. The darkest corners of my mind throwing old memories of abuse, molestation, suicide, all the things she knows about me. How could she be doing this? The only person I would die for is tearing the heart from my chest. The long walks on the beach, the hours we spent holding each other, the love I thought we shared, it was all a waste. Everything is gone now. All care, all pain, it’s all disappeared, I know what I have to do.

My body leads me to the backdoor, pressing hard on the Welcome mat, I try to force some sort of feeling into me. It’s pointless, I can’t do this anymore. The right hand I once knew twists the doorknob open, the slightest creak slips into the house, the sound of her moaning fills my eyes with tears. They fall to the kitchen floor, one, two, I can’t do this anymore. My hand loads the clip as my legs move toward the bedroom. The doors slightly open, revealing the top half of her body. She can’t see me though, her eyes are closed and the sound of his tongue lapping tells me what’s happening.

She used to tell me how much she loved me but for the past two weeks all signs of passion had disappeared. Across the room I see our wedding picture, her favorite one. She used to say “ I’ll always love you, you’re the only sure thing In my life”. Now she only says, “How was your day?” Standing in the living room I wonder what I’m doing. I can’t kill her, I can’t hurt her. But I’m not in control, the body I once knew hijacked me and now I’m at the door. He’s still eating her out his head moving side to side. Her screams becoming louder and louder, I can’t do this anymore.

From inside my head I hear all her words, all her promises, all the things we’d planned. Now there all gone, the only reason I’m here is to end this. Inside the bedroom I hear someone step of the bed, my body lifts upward and the door opens. Her breathing stops, she knows I know. Tears begin to fall from her eyes as she realizes why I’m here. “I’m so sorry.” She says. My eyes once again fill with tears and the love that was once so strong dies. “Don’t you say a word. I thought you where different.” I don’t know what else to say. My hand lifts the gun and she turns to run. I can’t do this anymore. It fires of and the bullet slides through her right shoulder. Joe comes around the corner and tries to take the gun. I pull away quickly and my arm forces him onto the bed, I can still smell sex in the air.

From behind I hear her crying and I realize that the mother fucker on my bed is still alive. The black barrel of the gun disappears as I force it into his mouth, the triggers pulled once. The ignorance inside his head now covers the room, the stench of sex devoured by death. When I turn to look at her the blood from her shoulder is now covering the floor. “How could you do this to me?" my voice says, quietly. “I don’t know, I just wasn’t happy anymore, I wasn’t thinking”. Her eyes bleed tears and I can’t stop thinking of our wedding night. All the things that once kept me alive now destroy me. I don’t want to kill her but I sure as hell don’t want to live, not anymore.

The realization of loss has finally set in. Whatever happens after this will definitely change our lives. Now she’s crawling toward me, saying, “Please forgive me, I know I messed up.” I say, “You just don’t want to die.” Her hands set on my knees and she pulls herself up to my eyes. I hate her now, not by choice, I would have never hurt her months ago. Now I only imagine killing her. My hands push her away and her body falls to the ground, she’s still naked from the fuck fest. My hijacked body stands over her and the gun in my hand is now pointing at her face. “You know I’m not in control, right?” “Yes you are, just put the gun down and give me another chance, I want to make this work.”

I wonder if she’s serious or if she’s just saying this to get away. My minds telling me she deserves to die but my heart keeps telling me to give her a chance. My mind is in control now. The gun pulls up higher, staring straight at her forehead. My mouth moves, "I loved you, once. But now I only want you dead." she says, "Please don't, I promise I love you." Tears roll down her face and the only words I can think of are, "Fuck you." The triggers pulled, once, twice and now she’s bleeding all over the room. The body I once loved is now lying motionless. I wonder how I ever did this, how did it come to this? But now it really doesn’t matter, nothing does. Not the past, not the future, not her. My heart now takes control and I’m consumed by pointless feelings for the dead woman in my room. I can’t explain the feelings inside me, all I know is they are endless, torturous.

From my left pocket I pull out a bottle of Xanax, fifteen or so. Enough to devour what’s left of me, all my thoughts and wasted dreams, all my love and hate. I empty the bottle into my throat and without thinking I lay down across the blood soaked sheets. It helps to know that I won’t be here tomorrow, it almost makes me smile but happiness is such a foreign thing. My mom used to tell me that I had the deepest blue eyes she'd ever seen but now they’ve faded. The body I once knew is now dying. Along with the love I used to have. All the hate, the pain, the suffering, it’s not gone but the Xanax doesn’t allow me to think. My right hand pulls up heavy with the weight of the gun. Everything inside my mind floats away, leaving me helpless. The tick of my watch drags me toward my final breath as the sound of gunfire takes me away from this hell I called home. This hell I called my own.