Chapter 7

My mom has a reason to worry about me though. In the past my
stupidity has given her a multitude of reasons to be concerned
about her only child. I was always in love with the idea of
love. The fairy tales I used to read and act out when I was
growing up really stuck in my mind and heart. I have always
been a romantic and longed for the Notebook movie kind of love
story for my life.
I remember always asking my mom how I would know when I was in
love, I mean it’s really love, like the love in romance
novels, or love stories and movies. She was never able to give
me a definite answer and would simply say you will know. I
still don't know what that feeling feels like, if I will ever
get to experience that feeling or if I even can feel that
feeling. She constantly would tell me with every new guy in
my life, that I was going about things all wrong. She would
tell me I would find men who were broken, and I would think
that I could fix them and that they would turn into the knight
in shining armor that I was looking for. She also would tell
me all the time that I must have a magnet in me that attracts
the most fuck up and psycho men. Her solution to me was, work
on fixing yourself and not look for love, let love find you.
But like any child, young or old you always think you know
better than your parents do. As did I, so I continued my
destructive path killing my self-esteem and happiness. One
bad relationship after another, another horrible tear stained
entry in my journal. But for some fucked up reason the way to
a man's heart in my warped mind was, not food. To me I upped
the ante, I thought sex, fucking now that must be the way. I
thought if I was good enough to fuck them then I was good
enough for them to care about me and be attracted to me. Of
course, my logic was not accurate. I mean you know the whole
thing about sex sells, well I thought sex would find me the
love I so badly longed for.
I met countless me online, would chat via the internet and
then we would exchange phone numbers. After a few hours if in

some cases it was even that long I would meet up with them.
Usually meeting somewhere that they picked and then I would
follow them back to their house. Hell looking back, I don't
even know if it was their house, maybe it wasn't even their
house that I went to. I mean seriously how the fuck would I
know, it’s not like I knew them.
After many non-orgasmic, unloving acts of sexual intercourse,
I finally realized this is wrong. I began to see the pattern
that would continue to happen. Meet a strange guy, talk for a
little while, we would fuck, and then I would leave and never
hear from them again. Or I would never be able to reach them
again if I tried to call. At least I was smart enough to not
go back out to the house I was at with them, who knows where
that would have ended up. Probably with me in a body bag, I
mean honestly looking back I am a very lucky woman. I
realized that all I was to them was an easy fuck, no strings
to them, and a one-night stand. Basically, now that I am a
bit older and I like to think wiser I consider myself at that
point in my life an unpaid prostitute. I know it sounds harsh
but when it comes down to it, that is exactly what I was
except the main difference was I got to pick the guy I was
going to fuck.
This is when the enemy that I introduced in the last chapter
began to get very loud and demanding. Every time I would have
a pleasant experience with a man and think maybe this was it,
that little bastard would not let me forget exactly what I
was. Remind me all the time in a vicious cycle that all I was
to them was a fuck. I was worthless, ugly and fat no guy
would want me.
All the negative things that were done to me and said to me
would constantly be put on reply in my mind by this little
motherfucking bully. These men were creating this demon in my
mind, and it was being done with my willingness to accept it.
I have had so many things done to me and said to me that
looking back I am so lucky that I am still here and not to
mention sexually transmitted disease free. Thank God someone
took care of me, because obviously I wasn't being too smart

and taking care of myself. I could have been an episode of
one of those television shows that I like so much but wouldn't
be here to see it. Don't feel sorry for me though, I put
myself into this predicament.
The only thing that really pisses me off to this day, is that
this bully is still here and so active. It is almost like
these men I was with and hurt by, they are still with me
controlling my feelings. It’s like I am not allowed to move
on and away from my fuck ups. It bothers me because I learned
from my mistakes and I learned a lot from what I went through.
I don’t do these things anymore and I haven’t in a long time.
But it’s like every single time I want to do something and
follow my heart that little asshole is there and makes me
second guess everything, and usually convinces me to not do
the thing I want to. So, it’s like my past is predicting my
future. On days were I kind of like myself the enemy comes
out and reminds me about how worthless, fat and pathetic I am
and reminds me that following my heart and feelings will just
have me making a fucking ass out of myself. So, I usually just
give up and agree. It’s because I still don't have enough love
for myself, and the little bit that I managed to hang on to, I
can’t risk losing.
I have been down the road of thinking about killing myself.
All because, really what is the point of me living if I can't
find the love of my life and have the family that I've always
dreamed about having. If I can’t do what I want to do,
because I’m afraid of making a complete fool of myself. I have
been through group therapy, therapy with a doctor, been put on
medications and have so much knowledge of what needs to be
done to mute the enemy. The problem is I am great with
helping others with this issue, because I have the answers. I
know the remedy, but I’m immune to it. I can't help myself
because I can't follow my own advice & wisdom. I seem to have
made myself separate from other people. It's almost like I
feel that they don't deserve how they are being treated in
relationships or not to bully themselves and criticize
themselves, but it's ok for me to do it to myself. I don't

know I guess it is easier to give advice and help others but a
lot harder for you to follow it yourself. I heard a saying
once and I believe it fits here also, it’s easier to judge
someone else’s life than to look at your own.
But enough sad and depressing talk, I have not been in a
relationship for quite a while now, and of course that is all
that is on my mind almost all the time. It is almost like
when you need to get fasting bloodwork done and the minute
that you know you can’t have anything to eat or drink the next
second realize you are starving or thirsty and your mouth
begins to water. Then all you can think about is food or
drinks, oh and the best part don’t sit down to watch tv
because that is when you realize how many food and drink
commercials are broadcasted on there. Same thing with sex
and love, I know because that is what I am going through right
now. My mind and body are longing for love and sex, which too
is on television a lot I found out.