Harmy's Ham Outta the Can, Into the Deep

Day 6: LOCATION: Pelabuhan Ratu, Indonesia

BACKSTORY: The legendary Nyai Loro Kidul flung herself into the waves from the the Karang Hawu cliff in an effort to restore her beauty, which had been ruined by black magic. Instead of dying, she turned into a sea goddess who haunts the bay, preying on swimmers who wear green – her favorite color. Room 308 at the Samudra Beach Hotel is always left vacant for the queen.



Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck- Nyai,
Stick a needle in her eye
she had a terrible price to pay
for her looks they could not stay
not even one more day to keep
‘less she dove to her death
into the dark deep
off the Karang Hawu,
but not the “Yahoo" cliff,
not a peep could slip her lip
There to transform -- a goddess of prey
and lie in wait below rippling waves
for those who dare molest the scene
she would turn into knaves, and they'd
become her slaves forevermore
only if they were to wear
her favored flavor
the color of green
Horny-Mel heard tell
of the goddess from the bowels of hell
Yet, having to deal with a devil if pressed,
knew he could soothe her savage breast
and deep below in the goddess’ moist nest
He packed his meat in a water-tight bag
and proceeded to face the beautified hag
Hormy wasn’t above sharing his ham
for a wham-bam-thanky-Ma’am, ghost
adding her on his list to boast
One thing had him confounded and stumped
Since she lived low and below
and used water for herself to tow
Did she have the bottom of a fish? and if so --
could he find a way into her tail
to taste the fishy dish? Or,
Would she slap him silly and make him flail?
With questions bogging down his mind
he a brain-child had to find,
that would guarantee this nail
He collected keys all around,
each kooky, spooky, Spam-eating town,
he found a clever way to slip it in
the pointed end of her lower right fin,
and keep on rolling until he got to her skin
Then he’d spread her open for the win
slipping Spam’s soft jelly deep within
Of course he’d be her most prized lover
what the hell? He’d even glove-her
with latex of course, that covered his fingers
he’d make her wiggle and then “hummmm-ding" her
Poor Horny-Mel, for as brilliant as his plan may have been
would ne’er have the chance to commit a goddess-sin
and be so unholy, and obscene upon her
Because the pork-ladened Harmy,
once he jumped into the water's beam
low and below,
he forgot to wear green




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If you found this poem to be absolutely shocking to the senses-terrible and raunchy, as much as I have, please give this 1 . It is the best of the worst that wins this contest.