Reprove Your Friends In Secret

Reprove Your Friends In Secret, Praise Them Openly.It means that one should never shame, fault or embarrass a friend in public. What we should do is always praise them openly.Friends are both kind and respectful towards one another.

To reprove a friend in secret means to correct that person privately so that he or she will not be embarrassed or humiliated in front of others by your reproof. It will remain between the two of you and it is nobody else's business.This is respect.

To praise a friend openly is to show admiration in the company of others who can see and know the good qualities and/or deeds of your friend. This brings honor to your friend.This is kindness.


Let us consider two very common situations

Situation 1

You were sitting in a meeting room with many of your colleagues. Your boss got up and gave an inspiring speech and followed through by praising many of your colleagues on their outstanding performance and he missed mentioning you. And you felt it. You could not sleep that night. You felt down and was angry why your boss couldn't find something nice to say about you. You were thinking – he could have said something like – I see a lot of potential in you or something like that and it would have made you feel good.

Situation 2

You was sitting in the front row of a large political assembly. The president spoke at length about party achievements and aspirations and winded up his speech by offering words of praise to many of those sitting in the same row as you and again you was not considered worthy of mention. Again you was angry and did not sleep that night.

I am sure many of us would have gone through similar experiences in a wide variety of social and professional settings. The point is people love to be praised and love it even more when spoken publicly. This is human nature and it is true. It ALSO means that you should only criticize your friends in private, preferably on a one-to-one basis, NEVER in front of others.

'Don't do unto others what you don't want others do unto you'

When you choose to criticise a friend in public remember you could draw an immediate angry response or a delayed response with devastating consequences. For example, the angry executive resigns but deletes important company files, diverts company business to a competitor and notifies Income Tax of tax evasion. Remember, your friends will not forgive you for putting them in a bad light in front of others and if you keep at it long enough you may lose all your friends!

Also remember, in any settings, be it in social, organisational or political offer praise generously to cover all segments of attendees. You can’t go wrong. If you can’t find nice things about your friends or associates then something is not right about you and that attitude can be costly especially when you are a leader. Open criticism can do more damage than good and damage control can be tough. You wouldn't like one of your friends or colleagues embarrassing you in front of others and so it is only sensible that you don’t do the same to others.

Who doesn't like being praised for a job well done? Everybody likes it including me. Praise gives you that boost of confidence. Puts a little spring in your step and brings a big smile to your face. Therefore, it has to done in such a way to give the desired result.

Can praise be given ineffectively? Yes, it can. When it is fake or biased, it can lead to negative outcomes. I’m sure we have encountered it on many occasions. When your boss tells you ‘Great job’ in private but not in public you know he doesn't mean it. When somebody you don’t know tell you ‘Keep at it’ and you will become better. That kind of praise is what we call ‘sweet talk’ and rings hollow. If you’re sincere, praise is effective. If you’re insincere, it’s manipulative.I know you don’t want to give that kind of manipulative praise. You want to give effective praise. Praise that warms the hearts of others.

How can you do this?

To be honest, this is an area many of us struggle with.

But here are some tips and tricks from Zig Ziglar on giving effective praise.

Be Sincere: People can detect when you’re not being sincere. When you’re giving praise, make sure it’s coming from the heart. It’s honest. It’s what you actually feel.

Praise the person to other people: Share your praise of the person with their coworkers or friends. Build them up and let them know how awesome the person is. People talk and it will get back to the person you were praising. What’s sweeter than hearing your boss, friend, or spouse was talking you up to others? I don’t think there is.

Give praise in public: Similar to the previous tip, praise the person in public. Once again you’re validating the person in front of others. People appreciate this.

Give praise in private: Public praise is great. But private praise can be even more effective. We often overlook this aspect. Telling someone the awesome job they’re doing one on one brings an intimacy to the praise.

Praise often: This is the hardest for me. And yet it is important. People need to be praised frequently or else they’ll look for other ways to get the attention they desire. Look for little things to praise. Are the dishes done? Did they turn in a paper on time? Was a big sale landed? Praise it, praise it, praise it.

Most of all, refer back to point 1. Be sincere in the praise. Otherwise the other tips will be ineffective.

It is simpler and easier to flatter people than to praise them– Jean Paul


Consider this:

On 8 November 2012, ‘before returning to the White House, President Obama made a stop at campaign headquarters in Chicago to address his campaign staff after Tuesday night's big victory.The president gave an emotional thanks to the staff, tearing up as he expressed his gratitude for their support and dedication to the reelection effort. "I'm really proud of all of you," Obama said. "What you guys accomplished will go on in the annals of history."
Can you see how why praise is important and can you imagine how the campaign workers would have felt? Many of the campaign workers would have had tears too. Remember, the President’s praise was genuine and from the bottom of his heart.