almost

For the first time after long years, i felt my heart skipped a beat, the feeling like i was punched into my belly. For a second or two, I thought the hands of time too missed ticking. "Ma'am?", it was our guest house's caretaker who brought my senses back. I jerked, "Sorry, I wasn't too attentive, what was it that you were saying?" I asked. He shot me the most suspicious look I have ever seen as he said, "But I never said a thing Ma'am." I smiled at my stupidity, of course "I mean, uh, I..." "I was just wondering why were you looking into our log book like there's a ghost in there.", he annoyingly said. I wasn't aware at all that I have been looking and holding on to our log book like a babe to her mom. "Oh this? I was just surprised we have a new guest. It's been months, you know since we have one," i said, that, that was a lie of course. "I hope you don't mind, he's staying in the same room you had weeks ago," he said. I shook my head off, "Not at all, besides i'm not staying for the week, I came here for a short visit," I answered. "Have you met him?" I asked, while sweat were forming on my forehead like hell. "Oh that guy? Ha! Yes, he's giving me the nuts, he keeps telling tales about stars and sands and sea. He's making me think! He's giving me the head ache I had which is why I quit schooling, " he answered laughing, scratching his balding head. I laughed, feeling a bit more interested now and i could kill myself for the interest, "Do you think he's staying for the week?" He stopped for a while and answered "I think so, he has loads of bag with him, and chips and liquors too!" Still the same old guy, I thought.



But could he be? Could he be the same guy i am thinking? Of course, it's far from impossible to have the same guy with the same handwriting at the same time. Why the hell do I remember every stroke of his handwriting?! I shrug the thought off. He is not the same guy. He couldn't be. NOT HERE. NOT NOW especially. I pressed my body on the side of the door way as soon as our caretaker left. As my mind wandered six years ago, when I was in college; fresh, young and naive. He was here too, with us were few more friends. Overlooking the sea, I somehow saw vivid recollections, me wearing shorts and shirt laughing, giggling, running, picking twigs, swimming, screaming. I saw myself sitting beside him too, stargazing. He was telling me tales about the stars, and he has those mirth in his eyes. There was that shooting star too, who may have fooled us. I wished, it didn't happen at all. I wish. I remember what happened that same night, he was like a coward soldier, having lost his arms and guns and wits telling me he likes me and he was falling-deeper. I wish, that, too didn't happen. I realized then how my eyes were welling with tears. I curved my arms on my waist, shaping it only to realize I was shaking. Oh how I hate it that just by the thought of him,it makes me so damn weak. I remember how we said goodbye on the phone, he never knew how much tears I shed, how I live each day knowing and growing afraid that he might go farther and farther, how I tried hard to understand that we are saving the "friendship". Countless were the nights I asked 'What if there was no friendship to save?, staring blankly into the ceiling, but of course, I could not see it when the lights are off, but I had had no answer.



And I outlived that, I grew tougher and smarter maybe. I refused the thought of the sweetest yet most painful part of my college life. I worked on an agency concerning environment. And for some twist of fate, I was assigned here. On the place where our short lived memories thrived. But those do not matter anymore, like I said, I outlived that, not until today.



And suddenly, just when I was turning my back to leave, like those in movies, as I was turning in an almost ninety degrees, okay, so that may be exaggerating, at least ninety :) come on! im not good at numbers! he was approaching on the other door. I knew he was shocked just as I was. I was trying so hard to keep my composure, trying to look on other things that might possibly catch my attention but to no hope. CRAP. I'm losing my wits, then and there I would want to melt. And disappear. Left with no choice, I lifted my eyes to his, and there were those eyes again, penetrating into me, teasing me. TEASING ME??? What am I thinking! Good Lord! "Someone told me to look in the eyes of a woman, and you'll see what's inside her, you, unfortunately are one of the most transparent woman alive. Are you cursing me on your head right now?" It was the same good manly voice. I realized I was holding on to my breath. I was trying to find the words in my head, and there they were but I was thinking at the same time 'careful, careful, careful'. "Not even close, I was just shocked...I mean surprised to see you here," I answered, and sigh right after.He smiled, raising a brow and pouting, unbelieving what I said. Then he went close, close that I could smell him. He pressed his body on to the other side of the same door way, few inches away from me. "You know I love it here" he answered. And I knew that, I kept silent, I knew it was the safest thing to do. "Mind if I ask you down there?" he asked. I followed his gaze. SEASHORE- my mind answered me. I could have said no, blankly and left, but weak as I said I was, I answered "No, I missed walking down there too." From the side of my lids, I saw him smiling as he was saying "But you worked here?" I was caught off guard. Of course, I AM working here why then would I miss walking the shore. I knew I said the wrong words then. But then, I smiled and asked "You know I'm working here? That's odd. We lost communication for like YEARS," I stressed the word years. I saw him growing uneasy. And he answered "I saw it.....on your facebook." I would have jumped at my triumph! He know I caught him off guard too. I knew even for a fact that I didn't mention on my account that I am now here. Add to that what he said that he visited my account. Satisfied with my victory, I stopped. We are like this then, I realized, making bait of one's own wits. I suddenly shivered, knowing how much I've missed this.



And then he said "So tell me, what were you up to after all this years?". I smiled recollecting "I am working for DENR. It's not that interesting. It doesn't give me that much salary either, but you know what they say, once you get attached to your work, salary is just a number." "You didn't pursue law?But you were good at Philosophy and Politics and Law then?" he asked. "I never liked those subjects especially the first, I do not like dead man telling me how to live my life. You know that," I answered. "You?" I asked. He smiled, one with much pride "I am taking my law in Manila, ha! Do not laugh, I am a seriously straight A student." I smiled. "So what happened to your i-am-tired-studying-attitude?" I asked. He grinned "I realized I was messing my life too much,I need to be a better version of me'" he answered seriously. "A girl for a reason?" I asked, instinctively. He nodded. That hurt me, not much but enough to make me realize, I am but memory to him. Until he said "So do I deserve you now?" I grew uneasy. I was shaking. "I need an answer," he said. I look into his eyes and I regretted doing so. It was like getting into his soul. There were remorse, regret, hope, hopelessness all rolled into one. I closed my eyes, trying to escape where am I. And when I did open them, tears fell "Do you know you always deserve me? But you were too coward, too afraid. You were confined with your own beliefs. You don't even know how good you were. You do not even accept the fact that someone-I loved you. You never knew how good you were, really. You never realized I accept your flaws, your rudeness-every bit of you. You said we should save our friendship, but you know what I think, you had me and you will always have me. We drove each other away, but I left a part of me to you which says 'WE COULD HAVE."



For like half an hour or so,we cried and fell silent. And then he said "We could start all over again." I smiled, i waited for this moment for years, and now it's happening and i do not even realize it feels this way, I took a deep breath, I knew the next words I'll say will change everything, but then I also knew, it was the right thing to do and so I answered "Six years ago, I ask you to grab a sand from your palm. and let loose of some. Those that fell back to the ground are like the times that you can't hold on to." He was puzzled. I explained further "There are those stories that seemed to not end but they have actually ended. WE ARE THE BEST EXAMPLE."