The Adventures of John & Peter

*A WORK IN PROGRESS*

The Adventures of John & Peter

Chapter One

One day, John decided to walk over to Peter’s house, to see what he was doing. He knocked on Peter’s door and after a few moments, Peter answered.
“Oh, it’s you.” Peter sighed.
John walked into Peter’s house and took his shoes off.
“What’s wrong? You’re not your usual cheery self. Is something wrong?”
“Yeah. Well you see, I got really excited when I heard a knock at my door. When I saw YOU there, I was disappointed.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I fucking hate you.”
John was silent for a few moments. Then he spoke.
“Hey, wanna play some Xbox?”
Peter walked over to his kitchen drawer, and pulled out a big steak carving knife.
“Wanna get the fuck out of my house?”
John started to get nervous.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow!”
John put his shoes back on and headed out the door.
“Later, dude!” said John enthusiastically.
Peter placed the knife back in his drawer, walked over to his living room and slumped down on the couch.
“Goddamn John, always coming to my house unannounced. This place isn’t a fucking hotel.”
He thought about this for a moment.
“But it COULD be…ah, what am I thinking. That’s crazy. I could never build and run a hotel.”
He sat in silence for a few more moments.
“Or could I?”
Just then, John banged on Peter’s window from the outside. Looking out, Peter could tell John was distressed.
“Hey man, I think I left my watch in your house, can I come back inside?”
“How the fuck is that possible, you were in here for a minute!”
“Man, I don’t know. Just let me in.”
Peter grumbled, and got up from the couch.
“Goddammit John.”

Chapter Two

John was in Peter’s house, even after a whole hour had passed.
“Man, it’s got to be around here somewhere.”
He looks under a pillow in Peter’s living room. Peter was starting to get annoyed.
“You didn’t even go in this room. This is so fucked up. Just leave, okay? LEAVE!”
“Nah, I can feel it. It’s in here somewhere.”
“I’m not even sure you were wearing a watch.”
“Oh, I was wearing a watch alright.”
John moved into the kitchen and began opening random drawers.
“Well John, you’ve successfully managed to infiltrate my house. Are you happy now?”
“Not until I find my watch. Say, what does a guy got to do around here to get a shot of whisky?”
“He’s got to get out of my house. That’s what he’s got to do.”
John stopped and looked up at Peter.
“Why are you always so negative all the time? So I’m in your house, looking for my watch, big deal! What would you be doing if I wasn’t here right now? Sitting around, being bored, that’s what!”
“So instead of sitting around bored…I’m standing around bored?”
“How could you be bored? You have to think of this like a hunt. We’re the predators, and the watch is our prey…it’s doing all it can to evade us…but we’ve got our eye on it…we’re tracking it down. And when we catch it…BAM! That son of a bitch is down.”
Peter let out a great big sigh.
“It’s times like this I wish I had a pistol or two, and a large cutting implement with which to gut things. Man, I could put both of those things to good use right about now.”
John got down on his knees and crawled underneath Peter’s kitchen table.
“Keep your eyes peeled. That son of a bitch is watching us…”

Chapter Three

Eventually, John had given up on his watch hunt, and was sitting in Peter’s backyard, silently staring off into the distance.
“It was more than a watch man…it was my everything…”
“No. It was a watch.”
“Do you even know the history behind that watch?”
“The question is: Do I want to know the history behind that watch?” (ba dum ching)
“I dunno, do you?”
“Yeah, as much as I want to watch celebrities dancing on ice.” (ba dum ching)
“That wasn’t even funny.”
“Yeah, I know. Sorry about that. So what were we talking about again?”
“I…don’t know. Pecan pie?”
“Shut up John. Just shut up.”
They sat in silence for a while. Then Peter spoke.
“John. Could you please just leave my house?”
Just then John stood up.
“You know what? I’m tired and sick of being a nobody Peter. I’m sick and tired of trying to squeak my way through life, getting by just doing the bare minimum.”
“Yeah…?”
“Aren’t you sick and tired of your life? I mean think about it, what do you do all day? Sit around and play Xbox?”
“Actually I’ve been into the Wii lately.”
“See what I mean? We need to get out of this place man! A whole world of opportunity is right outside of here, just waiting for us! And I believe we have the power to change that world!”
Peter picked up a large rock and aimed it at John’s face.
“Get the fuck outta here!”
He threw the rock at John , as John got up and ran away. The rock hit him in the back, and he screamed loudly while hopping over Peter’s back fence.
“And stay out!”
Peter then turned to face his house. He looked up at it, and imagined a large bright neon sign standing out front that said “HOTEL”.
“Holy shit…I realize it now…I realize what must be done. All this time I’ve been wandering around aimlessly…I think I know what my true calling is…this is it…My life starts here.”
Peter ran back inside and got ready to scribble down his thoughts and ideas when he noticed that his TV was playing an episode of Married With Children. He sat down and watched it, even though it was a fourteen year old episode and he had seen it seven times before. Thirty minutes later he realized it was a twelve episode marathon. He continued watching it. And watching it. Eventually the situational comedy drained all inspiration he had inside him and he felt like his bitter old self again. Peter fell asleep on his couch, lonely and resentful.

Chapter Four

Peter woke up the next morning on his couch, and immediately shot up to his feet.
“Goddamn Bundy family! How the hell could I watch that for a whole night and then fall asleep in front of it. What the hell is wrong with me?”
He got dressed and had something to eat. Then when he was getting ready to leave the house he spotted something shiny sitting in the flower pot near his door. Looking closer he saw that it was John’s watch.
“Well I’ll be damned.”
He grabbed it and put it in his pocket, before locking the house and going outside. As he made his way down the street past all of the shops, he thought about what had happened the day before. He tried desperately to recall what had made him so excited.
“Something about a neon sign…I seem to remember. Wait a minute…was it about pecan pie? It could have been about pecan pie…”
Suddenly, John appeared in the distance, headed in Peter’s direction.
“Fuck…not John...”
Peter dove into some bushes at the side of the footpath, trying to avoid his ‘friend’. John walked by, completely unaware.
“Da da dum da dum dum. Da dum dum da duu-uum. Da da da da-da dum, dada, dadada dum de duu-uum.”
Peter couldn’t control himself as he heard this familiar tune, and jumped out suddenly, startling John.
“Is that Hotel California you’re humming?”
“Whoa, Peter, buddy. You’ve got to learn to not jump out at people like that.
“But it was Hotel California, wasn’t it?
“Yeah, it was…so? What’s the big deal?”
“I’m not sure, actually. I feel as if I have some sort of connection to that song.”
“Hah, really? What, you’re going to go out and build a Hotel or something?”
Something suddenly clicked in Peter’s head.
“Holy shit John, you’re a genius! That’s what inspired me yesterday! I decided to build a hotel!”
“You found your calling, eh? A hotel? That’s kinda weird…but whatever floats your boat.”
“I can’t explain it. It’s just that the idea fills me with hope and joy. It makes me look to the future, instead of focusing purely on the present. It…makes me a better person.”
“Awesome! So you’re kinda…the new Peter?”
“Yep! The new and improved Peter.”
“Awesome. So I guess you’ll stop threatening to kill me now?”
“I’d say that’s a distinct possibility, John. Now let’s get this bitch started! You in?”
“Of course I’m in. What the fuck else am I gonna do?”
“Hooray!”
And so, the two embarked on an epic journey. Their one goal: to create the best damn hotel of all time.

Chapter Five

John and Peter packed their bags and prepared to head off for a road trip. Destination: Los Angeles.
“Why are we going to Los Angeles again?” asked John.
“Because that’s where the real Hotel California is.”
“There’s a real Hotel California?”
“Yeah, it’s in Santa Monica. I’ve been there once before.”
“Okay then. So what are we going to do once we get to the real Hotel California?”
“I’m going to ask the owner how he managed to set up such a great hotel…then I’ll follow his advice.”
“Okay then.”
They got inside the car, and took off down the road; away from their hometown.
“I can’t believe we’re finally getting out of this place man. We’re headed off to a better world, a better life!”
“That’s right. And it’s all thanks to you John.”
“It is?”
“Yeah, if you hadn’t come around yesterday I would never had gotten the idea. And if you hadn’t hummed that tune this morning, I would never have remembered the idea. Oh yeah, that reminds me.”
He took John’s watch from his pocket and gave it to him.
“I found your watch.”
“Whoa! Awesome, thanks! I knew I’d lost it in your house, I knew it!”
They continued to drive and talk for a couple of hours until they found themselves in the desert.
“How long till we get to LA?” asked John.
“A day or so, I’m thinking.”
“Man that sucks. How am I going to pass the time?”
Suddenly, the car’s engine made a funny noise, and the car started to slow down.
“What in God’s name?”
The car came to a stop, with smoke pouring from the engine. The two of them sat in silence, letting this slowly sink in.
“John…how far did you say we were from any sort of civilization?”
“About a hundred miles or so…”
“Okay then.”
They got out of the car and opened up the front. What they saw horrified them. The engine was on fire, and the fire was spreading.
“Holy shit! Get some water! Fuck!” yelled John.
“Water? We’re in the middle of the desert!”
“Didn’t we have a bottle or something in the car?”
“You drank it all!”
Peter looked over and saw a cactus.
“A ha! All we have to do is cut open that cactus, get some water from there, and use it to put the fire out.”
Peter hurried back to his car, and found a pocket knife. He ran over to the cactus, furiously, and began cutting it open. John held the water bottle underneath, hoping to catch some drops of fluid.
“You know what? I think this just might work!”
All of a sudden the car exploded in a huge ball of fire, sending burning debris high up into the sky. John and Peter watched as the debris came crashing down all over the road. The two were silent for about a minute when John finally spoke.
“You know…this one time…I heard this story…about this guy and his daughter, who got stuck out in the desert. Long story short, they had to drink each other’s pee to stay alive.”
Peter didn’t say anything.
“Yeah.”
They were both silent again.
“John, you picked the perfect time to tell me that.”

Chapter Six

John and Peter sat on the side of the road, next to the burnt-out wreckage of their car.
“We’re going to die.” John sulked.
“Don’t be like that John. All we gotta do is wait here for another car to come past.”
“Remember the pee-drinkers? They waited four weeks and NOBODY came past.”
“John, we’re in a different situation. Somebody will come past. It may be in a few minutes, it may be a few hours. All that matters is somebody will inevitably drive down this road. I’m certain.”
Peter pulled out his cell phone.
“Dammit, still no reception.”
“The pee-drinkers didn’t pick up a reception either…”
“STOP COMPARING US TO THE PEE-DRINKERS!”
“I’m just saying, that’s all.”
They sat in silence for a couple of moments, then Peter stood up.
“Hey, do you see those hills over there?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m going to head up there with the phone, to try and pick up a signal. You’ll be alright here while I’m gone?” All you gotta do is wait here in case a car comes.”
“Umm…”
“What?”
“This…is the basic premise of every single horror film I’ve seen in my life.”
“I’m gonna be gone for half an hour, tops!”
“Oh yeah? And that’s when the mutants are gonna come and get me. I’m betting that back in the fifties they did hundreds of nuclear tests out here.”
“That may be so, but what would mutants want with you and me? What do they have to gain by killing us?”
“They don’t need to gain anything! Mutants don’t care about that kind of shit, they just kill people!”
“You know what John? They’re people too. All you’ve got to do is treat them with respect, and I’m sure they won’t bother you. Hell, you might even make friends with them.”
“No way man, you don’t know how these mutants think. They resent us normal people, they want to ruin us just like they’ve been ruined. They want revenge!”
“No they don’t! Haven’t you ever seen X-Men? Mutants just want to be accepted into society. Just treat them like normal people.”
“X-Men? Those aren’t realistic mutants, Peter. The mutants in X-Men are fairy tale mutants. The real mutants are much scarier, and much more bloodthirsty. And they’re watching us man. They’re out there. I can feel their cold bloodshot eyes staring down on me.
“Right…well I’m going to head off now. I’ll see you in half an hour.”
Peter set off for the hills, the cell phone held tightly in his hand. John sat there, uneasily.
“Don’t leave me here!”
Peter didn’t answer.
“Oh shit…I’m going to get devoured by mutants.”

Chapter Seven

Peter climbed to the top of the hill, to try and get a reception. As he walked, he held his phone out in front of him, waving it around. He went higher and higher up the hill, but the reception stayed the same. When he reached the top, there was no signal, to his disappointment. He looked down to the road, where John was sitting by the car’s wreckage. He was just a dot, and Peter couldn’t see what he was doing.
Suddenly, he saw a eighteen-wheeler truck driving up past the road, and quickly ran down the side of the hill. He waved his arms in the air, signaling for the driver to stop. The truck came to a halt right at their wrecked car. At last, it seemed like they would be saved. The truck driver got out of the truck and walked over to John and Peter.
“Man, I don’t know where you came from, but thank god you came!” cried John.
“Glad I could help,” said the truck driver. “I got two rules for you boys to follow now, ya hear? First off, you don’t decide where we go. Second, you ride out back, okay?”
“Out back? Umm…”
The two huddle together and contemplate this between them. After a few short moments, they emerge.
“Umm, we don’t mean to be rude…” said Peter, “…but this isn’t some sort of organ-harvesting deal, is it? You won’t take our kidneys or anything right?”
“Actually” said the truck driver, “…that’s exactly what it is. Now get the fuck in the back and shut up!”
The truck driver pulls out a twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington shotgun and aims it at the guys. He motions for them to get in the back of the truck, and within moments the engine starts and the truck drives off. John and Peter look around the interior, seeing cut-up dead people in blood-encrusted bathtubs, and random arms and legs hanging from meathooks. John goes over to a medium sized plastic box and opens it. Inside there are various different organs in plastic bags, sitting around ice packs. John shuts the lid and goes over to Peter.
“Well…I’m happy with this.” Peter said sarcastically.

Chapter Eight

John and Peter sit in the back of the truck, in complete silence, as the truck speeds down the desert highway.
“Are we gonna die?” asked John.
“Looks that way.”
“What if, we both offer one of our kidneys, and maybe he’ll be happy with that?”
“No way man. That isn’t going to work. He wants the whole bodies. Hearts, livers, lungs, you name it.”
“Well then, we have to figure out a method of escape.”
Peter gets up.
“I’ve been thinking about that, and I think I’ve got a good plan.”
Peter goes to the steel door and starts banging on it, the driver on the opposite side.
“LET US OUT YOU FREAK! ARRRGGHH! LET US OUT!”
Peter continues with this.
“That’s your good plan?” asked John.
“Well I’d like to see you come up with something better. LET US OUT!!! FREEAAK!!”
Peter continues banging. As he is doing this, John walks over to one of the dead bodies, still fresh and clothed and not fully decapitated. He goes through the body’s pants until he finds a pair of nail clippers.
“Aha! I can use these to stab the driver.”
Peter turns and sees the clippers. He laughs.
“What, what’s so funny?”
Peter pulls out his trusty pocket knife.
“Now do you understand my good plan?”
“Oh, I get it. You want to lure him in here and then stab him to death.”
“That’s right. I guess you could help me with those clippers…but I doubt they’ll do much damage.”
John throws the clippers over his shoulder.
“But then again…” Peter pondered. “…not much damage is still better than no damage at all.”
John turns around and picks the clippers off the ground.
“But yeah…” Peter said. “I think this will be a solo job.”
John throws the clippers back over his shoulder.
“Of course, if something goes wrong you may need to jump in with those clippers.”
John goes over and picks up the clippers.
“But nah, like I said, those clippers won’t do jack shit.”
John throws the clippers back over his shoulder, again.
“…However…”
“SHUT UP! I’ve thrown them over my shoulder for the last time! That’s it, I’m not picking them up again!”
“Yeah, that joke was getting old anyway.”
Peter goes over and starts banging on the door again.
“LET US OUT! IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A KNIFE AND ARE PLANNING TO STAB YOU OR ANYTHING!!”

Chapter Nine

Peter continues bashing on the door for a long, long time. There is no answer. After five hours of continuous bashing, he gives up.
“It’s no use John. He’s not coming out. He’s just gonna sit there until we get to wherever it is we’re going.”
“And when we do get there…”
“He’s gonna cut us up real nicelike.”
They sit in silence, amongst the blood and body parts, until they fall asleep. When they wake up, they find the truck has come to a stop.
“John, we’re not moving anymore.”
“I guess this is the part where he takes our organs.”
“Don’t say that John, that’s not going to happen! I still have my knife, if he comes in here, I’ll kill him.”
“Peter, we’re going to die. I just wanna say…you’ve been a good friend to me over the past few years.”
“Don’t you go saying things like that John!”
“No Peter, it’s true. We’re doomed.”
Suddenly, they hear noises coming from behind the door.
“This is it John. Brace yourself. I’m taking this fucker down.”
Peter brings out his pocket knife, and holds it defensively. The door swings open, and standing there in the entrance is the truck driver, holding a large butcher’s knife.
“It’s time for a-butchin’.”
Peter freezes up in fear. John looks up at him and quietly whispers to him.
“Hey Peter, weren’t you going to kill him?”
“Shhh…icksnay on the illingkay imhay”
John is silent.
“Shut yer stinkin’ mouths…yer all about to be butched the fuck up”
Just when it looks like all hope is lost, John summons up the courage inside of him, pulls the nail clipper out from his pocket, and lunges toward the truck driver.
“AGGHHHH!”
His arm swings back and then thrusts forward, the clippers going directly into the truck driver’s left eye. There is a large amount of blood and puss leaking from the eye.
“Ah, fuck!” the truck driver wailed.
“Let’s get the fuck outta here!” yelled John.
The two deserted the driver and ran out of the truck. They found themselves in a dark, dirty stinking alley infested with rats and garbage.
“Hey, I think I see some light over there!” said Peter.
The two walked for a couple of minutes, and emerging from the alley…they found themselves in sunny Los Angeles.
“What the fuck?” exclaimed Peter.

Chapter Ten

After overcoming the psychological horrors they had just gone through, John and Peter started to see the positive side of what had just occurred over the past twelve hours.
“I mean hey, at least now we’re in LA” said John.
“Yeah. Right now we should be focusing on how to get to the Hotel California.”
“How did you say we get there again?”
“We go to Santa Monica.”
They catch a bus to Santa Monica, and make their way to the original Hotel California.
“Ah, what a sight.” sighed Peter.
John stares at it.
“It’s a shithole.”
Peter pulls out his newly-obtained butchin’ knife, and points it at John’s neck.
“You take that back.”
“Ummm, this place is NOT a shithole! It’s very nice, very nice indeed!”
Peter puts the butchin’ knife back in his pocket.
“That’s more like it. So, should we go inside? I have a few questions to ask the owner of this fine establishment.”
They go inside and see a man at the counter. He has long shaggy hair, is wearing a rainbow tye-dye shit, while smoking a joint. On his shirt there is a tag that reads ‘Paul’.
“How…can I…like…help you dudes?” asked Paul.
“Are you the owner of this hotel?” asked Peter.
Paul takes a big puff of his joint.
“Yeah, I am.”
“How’d you do it?”
“Do what?”
“How’d you build such a great hotel?”
“You gotta…like…you gotta…LSD man…lotsa LSD. And like…reach for the stars.”
Peter writes all of this down on a notepad.
“LSD, stars, got it. What else Paul?”
“Like dude…eat lots of vegetables…and you can…have a…totally…balanced diet man”
“Balanced diet, alright. Anything else you’d like to add?”
Paul blacks out, and his head falls down on the reception desk face first.
“Okay then, my work here is done.” announced Peter.
“Wait, was that it?” asked John. “LSD, stars, and vegetables? That’s his advice?”
Peter pulls the butchin’ knife out again and points it at John.
“NEVER QUESTION THE ADVICE!”
They leave the Hotel California, and walk down a street for a few minutes.
“So…what now?” asked John.
“Now…we find some LSD.”

Chapter Eleven

Thirteen hours later, John and Peter woke up underneath some random bridge. Broken glass and vomit surrounded them. They had bought some LSD from a shady guy underneath the Santa Monica pier, and everything since then was a blur.
“Oh god…I feel like shit.” moaned Peter.
“Did you see the ponies man? Did you see them? They were all the colours of the rainbow. Red and blue, white and purple, but not black. Oh no, never black.”
“Doesn’t that make you racist?”
“Hey man, I don’t control the hallucinations. I mean like, like, urrgh, where are we?”
“Dude, we’re underneath a bridge. This is where all the anal rapists hang out.”
“How the fuck do you know that?”
Just as Peter is about to answer, he notices a sharp pain in his leg, and looks down to see a huge chunk of glass sticking out of it.
“Whoa, how’d I miss that?”
He reaches down and pulls it out. The two of them get up from underneath the bridge and start walking toward the road.
“Man this is so fucked up.” said Peter. “I’ve got glass in my leg, we were underneath a bridge, something about anal rapists. I’m not too sure what’s going on.”
“We have to try and remember how we got in this situation. Now, what did we do directly after buying the LSD?”
“I think we ate nachos at Disneyland.”
“Yep, that’s what I’m thinking.”
“Alright, so we’ve got nachos at Disneyland. Then what?”
“Hot dogs at California Adventure?”
“So what next? What did we do?”
They reach the road, and stop talking once they take a look at the road sign.
“Apparently we went to Houston.”

Chapter Twelve

John and Peter walk alongside the road toward Houston.
“How the fuck did we get to Houston in only thirteen hours?” asked Peter.
“Man, I don’t even know where Houston is. Kentucky? Alabama? Fuck I don’t know.” replied John.
“It’s actually Texas.”
“No it isn’t.”
“You just said that you don’t know.”
“I don’t…but I’m pretty sure it isn’t Texas.”
“It’s Texas. I’m telling you right now it is.”
“And I’m telling you right now it isn’t. Idiot.”
“What the fuck did you just call me?”
“I called you an idiot! What are you gonna do about it?”
“Oh, that’s it John. That’s the last straw.”
They fight. Peter tackles John off the side of the road, into a ditch. He lands on top, and starts pummeling John in the face with his fists.
“IT’S TEXAS!”
He punches John.
“TEXAS”
Punch.
“TEXAS”
Punch.
“TEXAS”
Punch.
And so on and so forth. This continues for thirty minutes, and at the end of it, John stands up, panting.
“Man, there’s nothing like a brutal pounding to wake you up in the morning.”
“You should be dead after all of that.”
“Dead? After your punches? It felt like I was being punched by a fly.”
Peter pulls out the butchin’ knife.
“You keep your mouth shut about my punches, or I’ll slit your fucking throat.”
“Okay, okay, I was just kidding.”
They continue to walk for a couple more hours, until they reach Houston. The first thing they notice is a fruit and vegetable stand.
“Look at all them fruits and vegetables” said John.
Peter runs over to the stand.
“Fruit and vegetables! A balanced diet! It’s what Paul said, remember?”
“Umm...okay.”
“We took the LSD, and now we’re here. The fruits and vegetables are next on the list…everything’s working out as planned.”
“Or it could just be a coincidence.”
“Nothing is a coincidence John. Now come with me, we need to buy some fruit and vegetables.”
They walk inside and get a few baskets. They fill each basket to the brim with various fruits and vegetables. Apples, oranges, potatoes, lettuce, and so forth. They walk up to the counter to pay, when Peter realizes something.
“Shit, we have no money.”
“So what now? How are we gonna pay for all this?”
“John, we don’t need money. Now come with me, I’m going to steal some fruit and vegetables.”
“How are you gonna do that?”
“Easy.”
Peter runs over and punches the stand owner in the face. He and John escape with all the fruit and vegetables they can carry.

Chapter Thirteen

John and Peter manage to escape from the fruit stand.
“We did it John! We got the fruits and vegetables! It’s all coming together man, we’ve completed the first two on the list, and now we’ve gotta do number three!”
“Just a second, weren’t the fruit and vegetables number three on the list? And then reach for the stars was number two I think.”
“John, I’m sick of your bullshit.”
“But, I’m right!”
“Yeah, so? It doesn’t matter what order we’re doing it in. All that matters is that we’re doing it. Now, reach for the stars…hmm.”
“This is a tough one.”
They sit on a random bench and Peter starts eating an apple. John is eating some raw broccoli.
“We’re in Houston…” pondered John.
“And what does Houston have to do with stars?”
Suddenly, they hear a loud booming voice from behind them.
“Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…so on and so forth LIFT OFF!”
A huge deafening roar causes Peter and John to fall off the bench.
“Oh shit, it’s the end of the world!” cried Peter. “Hallowed be the lord’s name! Thou shall not speak God’s name in vain!”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m saying random bible quotes.”
The deafening roar moves down to a normal roar, then a loud rumble, a distant rumble, then nothing.
“Well thank god for that. I’m not ready to face the four horsemen, I’ve got too much left to accomplish, John. What the hell was that anyway?”
John points to the sky, and Peter looks up to see a rocket blasting through the atmosphere.
“Oh yeah, that’s right! Houston is that space place, where they launch rockets and shit like that.”
“You know what that means?” asked John.
“I know exactly what that means. We’re gonna reach for the stars, buddy! We’re gonna reach for the motherfucking stars!”
They gather up all their fruits and vegetables, and head off, searching frantically for the launch station. All of a sudden they’re both hit with a realization, and stop dead in their tracks.
“Peter…”
“Yeah John?”
“Do you think the government is going to want to send us into space?”
“I was just thinking the same exact thing.”
They turn and look around, and see a NASA engineer walk out of a porta-potty. He’s got his hands down his pants, adjusting something, when he sees John and Peter looking at him.
“Oh…hello. Didn’t see you two boys standing over there. You know how it is…every once in a while, a guy’s gotta adjust himself. DON’T YOU JUDGE ME WITH THOSE EYES!”
“Oh no sir, we weren’t judging you. Hey, do you work in the launch station by any chance?”
“That’s right. I’m the guy that talks to the astronauts, and if any of them say ‘Houston, we have a problem’ then I’m the first guy that hears it! How awesome is that?”
“Have you ever heard anyone say it?” asked John.
“No…not yet. But I’m looking forward to the day I do.”
“But that would involve the astronaut’s lives in danger. You wouldn’t want them to have a problem while floating around in space. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t want to hear those words."
“Well…umm…nah. The utter coolness of hearing someone saying those words would cancel out the potential danger to human life.”
Both Peter and John are silent.
“But anyway, let’s get down to business.”
“Business?” asked Peter.
“Yeah, you two are exactly what we here at the space program are looking for! Two average guys being shot up into space, it would reinvigorate public interest in NASA, and put us back on the map. So, you guys in?”
“Yeah, totally!” said Peter. “But what’s the catch?”
“There is none!”
Little do John and Peter know of just how much of a catch there really is…