life as i know it

I just need you to listen;

Don't interrupt, suggest, or advise.

I'm finally letting you in

And I'm sorry for all the lies.



Imperfection is not an option

Failure's my biggest fear.

My obsessions are taking me over

Leaving my thoughts a mess and unclear.



My mind is always racing,

The voices, loud as a drum

Counting, retracing, and planning

That's what my life's become.



I simultaneously crave

Both fitting in and standing out.

I want to be one in a million

Yet not rejected from the crowd.



I thrive on finding my flaws,

I try, though they'll never be gone.

Knowing I won't ever be good enough

Is what keeps me going on strong.



I'm incredibly mean to myself,

But it helps me stay on track.

Makes me work even harder

Striving for all that I lack.



I continue to hurt myself

It's with pain, I know how to deal.

The weight of my sadness is crushing,

Numb, there's nothing left to feel.



I hide an emptiness inside,

Slowly spreading its way through

So I laugh and smile a lot,

Cause I don't know what else to do.



I'm head over heels in love with him,

And it hurts deep down in my heart.

The pain I feel now is unbearable,

Just thinking of being apart.



I wanna cry whenever he holds me

Cause of the dreaded emptiness, I know

That will hit and over take me

Just as soon as he lets go.



I know I appear unfeeling,

Somber and cold as stone;

But I can't let you see me break,

So I cry when I'm all alone.



I'm afraid of losing this battle;

I've looked death in the eye before.

I want nothing more than to win this,

But recovery scares me even more.



I have no faith in myself

Or any of my abilities.

But I don't want you to give up;

I need help believing in me.