Of Candy Canes and Mountain Goats, Pt. I

One day, atop my wintry mountain climes,
Where eagles dare, and icy streamlets wind,
I gazed across the virgin forest wide,
Juxtaposed by wastes on every side.

How fancied I those forest glades assay,
To quit my mountain home for just a day;
Explore that undiscovered region's lay,
And with the friendly forest creatures play.

"You must not go," my father used to say,
"And with the myriad forest creatures play,
For they are weak, and candy eat each day--
In milky streams of horrid chocolate bathe!"

A frightening tale to hear my father tell:
Of cocoa fountains cresting every hill;
Of carmel trees just waiting to be felled.
My father said: "That road leads straight to hell!"

"I do not want to go to hell!" I cried--
Yet something in me when I said it died;
I think I knew one day I'd go to find
What lay beyond this rocky mountain-side.

My weaker side within did fierce contend
With all my better judgment. I gave in.
From peak to ridge I rushed lest I offend
My father's watchful eyes and get grounded.

I think 'twas Alexander Pope who said
That "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread."
(Just leave it to a flipping Englishman!)
Too bad for me, this phrase I'd never read.

And so with child-like curiosity
I rushed the wastes with nimble ogre-feet.
And when I found myself amongst the trees,
An idiotic swell of joy filled me.

At first, I thought to feel somewhat dismayed,
And then I thought my eyes had me betrayed.
All around a wondrous sight displayed:
A fruitful wilderness of candy-canes!

The leaves were minty-sweet and full of song.
The sugar fields spread wide beneath the sun,
And every flower budded drops of gum,
While smooth and creamy chocolate rivers run.

Before I'd found the time to stop and taste
Alluring goodness of this magic place,
And let the chocolate rush across my face,
I heard a song which stalled me full apace:

"Thou stranger from the rocky, dismal heights,
We welcome you, the friendly forest sprites.
We like it when our forest strangers find,
Even if they are a wretched sight!

"Pray tell us, monster, what or how to name
A thing of such a ghastly, morbid frame?
We've never had our guts turn quite the same
As when we look upon your freakish face."

At first I knew not what to think or speak--
No one's ever been so nice to me!
They hadn't even mentioned at my stink!
And so, I said, as soon as I could think:

"My friends, you see before you this today:
An ogre's battered conscience torn affray!
(It's not as easy as it sounds to speak
Iambic pentametric verse. See?)"

"Come with us and see," they said to me,
"A magic place with magic, minty trees,
Where pie and magic cakes are roaming free
Beneath the clear blue sky on frosting fields."

For days and weeks I walked within a dream,
But not an ordinary child's dream;
More like a fancy, tasty dream, it seemed.
And then a nightmare, fast becoming, ate me.