The Life Of Nick Demeas

The Epic Novel Of The Life Of
NICK DEMEAS
“Based on a true story”
Chapter One: Fuck
      Nick Demez was a normal kid. He enjoyed hanging out with friends playing rugby, and practicing with his band. He did his homework and studied for tests. An abnormality of this child is that at a young age he acquired a mustache. Once he became a freshman his life took a shitty turn.
      One day Nick Demeas was extremely bored. He decided to smoke marijuana. He then became very violent and began to beat his little sister over the head with a green blunt object. Then he was bored again and decided to get in his car and drive around while smoking his green plastic bong. Then a seven-year-old little boy walked into the middle of the street and Nick didn’t see him because he was smoking his bong. All he heard was the little boy’s bones crush underneath his tires. Nick then decided to run away to Canada. Like high school he ran away from his problems.
      Chapter Two: Damn Canada
      In Canada he didn’t get along with people very well. He always sang his boys like boys songs very loudly. On one occasion he jackassly threw a homeless mans couch into an old dirty river. The drunken hobo a-woke from his drunken sleep. Angered by the mustachioed kid that foolishly distroyed his home, the hobo attacked nick. “Son of a Bitch” demez yelled as the bum pummeled Nick with a sturdy log. The next day demez awakes; bruised and broken, noticing the only thing that remains on him is his tattered sponge bob square pants boxers with a little white stain on the rear. Wandering aimlessly he meets a nice Christian Canadian family who warmly brings demes in. They enjoy his funny noises and crazy faces. Realizing that he had to make some money to by weed, alcohol, and mass amounts of foodstuff. So demez tries to acquire a job. In Canada as nice and jolly as they are do not except laziness. So demez was fired, one job after another. He started begging on the cold Canadian Streets. This did not satisfy his hungers. So his only thinkable option was to become a whore. Pimples and tying to get his name out on the streets started doing freebees. He perfected the loop-around, zingbag, and many other sexual feats. On one occasion one of his customers offered him crack. One hit and he was hooked. “Kapoots” he continually says like a broken record as he trips on crack. Later in the month demeas noticed he was feeling really sick and puking up a chiss-like substance. He decided to ask one of his “regulars” that just happened to be a doctor, to trade sex for a checkup. The doctor terrified on how fucked up demes was. He looked like he was 45. The diseases he had were AIDS, syphilis, meningitis, explosive diarrhea, and anus crabs. The doctor realizing demez did not use protection when having sexual encounters asked, “How many people have you infected you monkey turd eater”? Demez knew the number was in the thousands and all those people had sex with others. Demez realizing he had destroyed hundreds of thousands of peoples lives decided to get his life together.
      Chapter 3: Back to School
      So at the age of 25 Nick Demes returned to John Heresy Highschool. Nick was glad the teachers could no longer recognize him. The kids were meaner than ever though. They would make fun of how old he was and poke him in the side. He had much trouble making friends. His only companion was a slightly overweight cat. This looked like it had a tuxedo on and shared many of nicks features. Like smoking the ganja. Now you might not think that cats can get high but this cat would light up a bowl before you could say poop-sticks. While watching Harry Potter with Mr. Tuxedo he got a phone call. “ Do you like the cock-a-chiss?” the voice said. “God dammit Kumar you stop calling me!! Well you’re a whore, your grounded,” demez replied in the telephone. Demez is a man and as a man he has needs. These needs are, as stated before, weed, alcohol, food, and sex. Not in that order. Sex was now the main problem. It had been a coupe of years since demez had fucked a real woman. Lately Brock Obama was all he could think of. Sitting in class he spotted a little girly named Daisy Domloski. Attracted to this little nymph he knew he had a chance with her and make her take it and like it. But one thing stepped in his way; a little gay Travis barker masturbator was friends with her. He wanted this girl real bad, he wanted to make her take it and like it. The Travis barker kid was getting in his way so he stabbed him in the eye. So joyful that no one was in the way of the little nymph he asked her to have anal sex. Discussed by this mustachioed man she slapped him in the face. “What the hell”, Demez said, “I’m gonna rock you through the headboards.” And again like his sister he bashed her on the head with a green thing and had his way with her. When he was done he left her on the floor and made himself a baloney sandwich. Finally the cops caught with him and sentenced him to 27 years in prison, maybe life. The other prisoners could smell fear from a mile away and demez stinked of it. They started to abuse him terribly. Making demeas give Z-Jays, B-Jays, and rimjobs. Tired of the beatings he decided to be a bitch of a guy named Bubba. Bubba was a good guy most of the time. Protecting Nick from the terrors of prison. But at night Bubba exploited Demes. The toadish abababbabbba from Mario cart turned bubba and his enlarged black penis on. Demez had enough he needed out. So he called up his good buddy Kumar. Kumar who is an expert in the art of explosives. Blew a hole in the wall and got demez the hell out of there. Kumar said farewell and gave demeas $100 to get himself going. Demez who lacks the discipline spent 20 dollars on Big Beefs and the rest on acid.
      Chapter 4: Acid Trip
      He didn’t know how much to take so he took the whole lot. Then demeas floated in the air like a donkey tripping on LSD. As demez floated up signing Genesis songs, he got hit by a plane, Breaking 3 of his ribs and fracturing his spine, leaving him paralyzed from the knee cup down. Demeas landed in Amsterdam during the cannabis cup. He got very very high and also tried shrooms and ecstasy. After trying to fuck Willie Nelson and getting burned by a joint. Demez became friends with O.J Simpson. Demeas trained hard to beat and kill a woman. O.J. then made demeas steal a bunch of memorabilia from a hotel, which demeas got away with by making toad noises. He then entered the prestigious Cock Sucking Championship and was awarded a $50,000 cash prize. This was spent on 25 pounds of purple haze which him and his cat proceeded to smoke. Deameas got so high he bunted his cat in the wall where he had his dead children buried in tribute to John Wayne Gacy. Demeas had a nasty case of the munchies so he went to dunking dounuts and ordered 42.0 strawberry jelly filled even though he is allergic. Ok that last part sounded a bit crazy that may be cause of the acid or maybe how messed up demeas is, no one knows. But continuing, boy did demez enjoy those dounuts. After eating them demez passed out then a native wise man named charlais made demez think he was at the dentist and had him open his mouth. Ahhhhh, drizzle, Charlais emptied his bladder in the abiss of the mouth of demez. Demez woke up form the trance not knowing that this man had just pissed in his mouth and went on his way with Mr. Tuxedo. Again out of money demez pondered how to acquire some. He could no longer sing from all the drugs and crazy sex. So he thought, I need fast money. Yes I’ll sell my kidneys in Mexico. He starts the long journey giving blowjobs for rides all the way down until the Mexican border. Mr. Tuxedo was fine, cats don’t need passports but demez did. So he put on a sombrero and told the guy and expansive story that is not worth the time to write. The story was fucked up (too much vicadin if you ask me). Not able to legally get in demez resorted to hopping the fence. That was a problem because demez cant climbs no fences. He tried though and got stuck right on the top with barbed wire about to cut his balls off. A bunch of Mexican kids in Mexico thought it was very funny becuse there was a break in the fence 10 ft away. They started flinging eggs, rocks, and dog shit at demez. Two twins from the American border saw the Mexican kids having so much fun and started paintball the funny man. Finally after 3 days of this the border patrol got him off. They felt so sorry for him they didn’t press any charges.
      Chapter 5: Mexico
      Yes I'm in Mexico demez proclaimed. Now were to sell a kidney and where the fuck is Mr. Tuxedo. Whoa.. Maybe I can sell his kidney too. So the search for Mr. Tuxedo began. He hired a guide wearing a sombrero. The man said he had heard of this tuxedoed cat and that he will lead him to the cat. The man took him very far away. Away from the Cancun and where the tourists stay into the heart of Mexico. Demeas noticed that the fields around him were not corn or soybeans but fields of Mary Jane. The guide didn’t seem to notice so he kept quiet. The guide led him into a big house. Too big to be in that area. Demez walked into the door and it slammed and locked behind him. A light at the end flickered on and shone on the four men. These four men wore expensive pimped out suits. Their names were PIT BULL, SILKY JOHNSON, ICE BEER, and BUNKNASTY. Sit down sir “I think I’ll stand”, demez said. “”SIT! Do you recognize this cat”, they say. Demez recognized it as Mr. Tuxedo. “Your damn cat stole $500,000 worth of weed. O shit, demez tries to run away. Then he feels an explosion n his ball sack. Unless you give us the money plus interest or Mr. Tuxedo we will shock your balls forever. SHIT!!! FUCK!!! DAMMIT!!! Mr. Tuxedo is fucking up my life. OK, Demez knew Mr. Tuxedo couldn’t pass up a free bong hit, so he lit up the hulk. Then yelled with no one around him. “Wow I don’t think I can finish this bong, I wish I had someone to share it with.” Waiting……. Wow that usually works. Fuck, demez noticed his shoe was untied and bends to tie it turning his back to the half smoked bong. Blubblubblubbbb. There you are Mr. Tuxedo. You’ve been smoking too much weed that’s not yours and now you have to pay. Quickly demez Demez snagged Mr. Tuxedo and brought him to the drug lords. There you go, take this shit out of my balls! The bosses removed it; you and your mustache are free to go. Walking away guilt overtook Demez’s mind. He remembered all the great times he and Mr. tuxedo had. Ripping of hookers, smoking weed, and eating food.. He loved Mr. Tuxedo and starts making plans to free him. Fuck it, Demez had enough, he bought two glocks and shot and shot all those motherfuckers, freed Mr. Tuxedo and got the hell out of Mexico. But before they left they stole a shit load of weed. While smoking a bowl in the good U.S. of A. Demez asked Mr. Tux, “Why did we ever go too Mexico anyways”. SHIT! I was going to sell my kidney” And now we used that entire Mexico weed. You know what’s kind of close, fucking California. Medical marijuana! So demez and Mr. Tuxedo started the long walk to California hitchhiking when they could. After a while of walking Demez got fed up with walking and tries to force a semi-truck to pick him up. He just laid down on the road. The driver didn’t even see demez lying down there and just ran his leg over. All the driver could hear was a screeching oyyyyy! The driver slammed on his breaks thinking he had hit a bear but it was a person. The driver couldn’t afford to get another ticket for hitting a kid. He couldn’t decide weather to kill the screaming kid or to work out a deal. Finally he decided to talk to demez before he kills him. The truck driver just happened to be heading to California. So they worked out a deal that he would take demez, Mr. Tuxedo, and his bleeding infected leg. On the ride up demez preformed long emo concertos and caused Mr. Truck driver to take a liking to him. “I like you, take off your pants”, the driver said. Demez not wanting to get raped again, jumped out of the truck with Mr. Tuxedo. Now both of his legs were broken and he was in desperate need of weed. A random called an ambulance for him. It speedily came and picked him up. Dr Harding said,” Your lucky you came in when you did,” your leg is badly infected. Also I don’t know if you know this but you have aids and syphilis, probably from raping a cow. “ I know demez,” sheepishly replied. So what hurts Marajiana! Marawana! Demes yells. “O you want the Mary Jane to cope with the pane and the syphilis in your eye,” the doctor slyly stated. Yea Yea. At that juncture the doctor pulled out the dankest most stankyest shit demez had ever seen. Man did he want to smoke up that stuff. The doctor pulled out a volcano vaporizer. Shit, Demez took 7 hits of the volcano and passed out on the floor of the hospital. He awoke to feel and excruciating pain in his anus. Upon going to another doctor, an x-ray determined he has a condom up his anus filled with 3.5 grams of marijuana. As payment, Demes had to take a peer bong up his anus. Demeas passed out from this and the doctor began to pour red wine and skoal vodka up his ass. Which have him brain damage. The doctor then stole his clothes yet again. Demez glad he was in California but he really was in Amsterdam. He had been shipped over in a giant crate while passed out for the extreme alcohol content in his anus. After finding himself in Amsterdam Nick went into a coffee shop and an Asian offered him a joint. Little did he know, this joint was laced with angel dust. Demeas, being high on PCP, began to bash his head against a wall. When only one brain cell remained, Demeas sat down in a state of stupor. His numerous STD’s then killed the remaining brain cell.
      Chapter 6: Reborn
      A walking homeless mad doctor found demez looking like a brainless heap of garbage. His sad kitty Mr. Tuxedo sat licking his dead body. He decided to do a brain switch and save this poor mans life. So he used his heroine needles to make an incision on demez’s head. Successful surgery! Demez awoke with a loud meow. “Alyjama”, Demez said. I am alive. “What the fuck did you do to Mr. Tuxedo” demez exclaimed. “I saved you life by taking his”, the doctor replied. Demez responded to this by killing the good doctor. He then saw a green Pontiac parked in a church parking lot with a lit hookah inside. Demez entered the car and got high as hell. With 3 very stoned 16 year olds. Two of witch was ditching football practice. 3 Hours later he woke up in a jail cell with a 265 pound black man smiling at him. Not again demez thought. I will turn the tables so when the black man fell asleep he smacked him on the head and made him take it like it. While rapping the black man, Demeas began to think of Mr. Tuxedo. He became very sad and stopped fucking the black man. This was a mistake and the next thing he know he got a roundhouse kick to the face. Demeas woke up to find his right leg amputated below the knee. Demeas couldn’t find anything better so he had a handle of skoal planted where his leg goes. This being made of plastic, because it is cheap, not glass like nice liquor. Some good examples of good liquor are Jack Daniels, Grey Goose, SoCo, or Jaeger. But all demez could afford is Skoal. When he was going on the daily jail run his body emitted so much heat the scol bottle melted so he was stuck on the track. “Get the fuck up” the guard said, “time to get back to the cells”. Demez lacking a leg and too lazy to crawl got mauled by the guards: Demeas stood up, dripping with blood, and lit up a joint. At this time his life turned around. Tom petty happened to be walking by and freed Demeas form jail in return for a puff from the joint. He traveled the country with Tom Petty getting very high. After Tom left he decided since his mind was in shape his body also should. SO he hired Tom Shimp and Bobby Huber to whip him in shape. Tom made him lift mass weights and Huber had him stretch until he could suck his own peinis. There was a problem though because Mr. Huber and Tom Shimp’s workouts conflicted with each other. One was based on only lifting weights and the other was based on stretching and sit-ups. Both teachers had a star wars light saber fight. The fight ended up with them cutting each other’s heads off. Without motivation demez stopped his training. Even though he had memberships to the Y and balies. He was never meant to be like rocky. Demez had been dieting for many months and was in desperate need for some fast food. SO he got really high and ordered 200 boneless buffalo wings, 20 kfc snackers (half chiss and half buffalo), 5 gallons of sproke (sprite mixed with coke), a tub of potoatoweges, and a chiss sandwich.
      Chapter 7: MEOW!
      Demez had lately been feeling very lonely with out Mr. Tuxedo. But he has also been feeling very much like Mr. Tuxedo. About 34 times a day he would meow. Instead of taking showers he would lick his body clean. Lastly he had an increased liking to catnip. Some of the brain of Mr. Tuxedo that was now in Nick Demez’s head might be still active. During one non-eventful day of eating garbage scraps and watching other peoples TV’s through their windows demez had a flashback. Now, with doing all the acid he had done in the past demez had a couple of these before. This one was not his own. It was Mr. Tuxedos and it went back to when demez was in Canada. In the flashback Mr. Tuxedo was scurrying through the Canadian wilderness hunting for mice. Arthalathalalahooma was heard in the distance. Mr. Tuxedo went to go check out the abnormal noise. A big bear like creature came walking out of the cave on two feet. It was the Sasquatch! At this sight demez snapped out of the trance all that was in his mind was the amount of mullah he would get for finding the sasuatch. There was a problem. If you remember demez was sent overseas after he passed out from the vodka/ wine beer bong in his anus. He needed to find away to get back. So again in need of help he called his old friend Kumar. Kumar gave demez a number of one of his terrorist friends. So demez called this terrorist and traveled to one of his alcaida bases. Their demez took an oath to Allah to assassinate president Bush. Demez crossed his fingers behind his back and took the assignment. The terrorists paid for his flight to D.C. and gave him a half million dollars to get some high tech explosives and assault rifles. When demez got to DC he bought a black H3 hummer that he smashed into a stop sign. He just left that one and bought a yellow Ferrari that he could barely fit in. He also spent a shit load of money on weed and Aldis food. Then he started the drive to Canada. Demez finally reached the spot where he had settled down before. Nobody was there. It was a ghost town. Demez went walking through the streets checking each house. Demez felt like he was being followed. Hunger over took him so he walked into the local Wal-Mart. A bunch of younglings ranging from the ages of 7 to 15 surrounded demez. These were not cute children. They looked as if they were already dead. No life was in there eyes. “Who the fuck are you, where are your parents,” Demeas exclaimed. “DEAD, you may not know us but we know you. You are the bringer of death”, the biggest of the children said. He continued to say that a while ago a doctor told him a story of a mustachioed man who made funny noises. He was a male prostitute and contracted so many STD’s that they mutated into one super one. Since he (demeas) was the creator, it did not affect him but killed all others. The Canadian government permanently quarantined the town and everyone over 18 died. The children acquired the disease they call musbarap at birth from their infected parents. “You killed our parents, you killed our friends, and you killed us musbarap now we are going to kill you,” the eldest said. “Wait” Demez yelled. Demez pulls out a bag and says its candy. The children being quarantined have been only eating bugs and bark all their lives and candy sounded so good. One of them stabbed demez in the thigh and took the candy. The others fought to get some and all of them finished the entire bag. Demez chuckled; it wasn’t candy he gave them but a shit load of acid. As the kids intensely tripped out he ran into the Canadian wilderness to find the Sasquatch. The stab wound on his thigh had become quite infected and he passed out.
      Chapter 7: Friend of the Sasquach
      Demez woke up thinking he was in his bed at home; there was hot soup next to him and the fluffiest pillow behind his head. Demez though he might have taken some drugs but he remembered he had given the last of his acid to the children. As demez came to his senses he realized he was in a cave. In the distance he saw a figure coming to him. Before he came any closer Demez smelled him and he smelled nasty. As the man approached closer he saw his face. It was sasquach! Still injured by the infection sasqatch took care of him. Demez could no longer turn sasqatch in to the circus because he became attached. Sasquatch wanted to see the world but he doesn’t know where to go and his appearance would cause unwanted attention. So demez decides to shave Sasquatch. Buzz, without all that hair he actually looked like a normal person. A really big person. Demez was washing him self in a lake. “Don’t forget to bring a towel.” WHAT THE FUCK, Demez looked around and no one was there? “Don’t forget to bring a towel” Demez thought he is hearing this random voice in his head from all the crazy drugs he’s taken. “Don’t forget to bring a towel” as demez pissed himself he saw a towel sitting on a rock taking bong rips. The only thing he never saw in his life was sitting close by. As the towel came closer he kept saying, “Don’t forget to bring a towel”. What do you want towel??? Demez kappoted. The strange towel said” I’m Towlie and I want to inform you on towel safety. You can get sick and cold if your wet outside so that’s why I always say don’t forget to bring a towel.” Demez was stunned by this incredible thing. Not that he can talk but that a towel loves getting high.
                        Chapter 8: The Epic Battle
            Demez brought Towlie back to the cave to show sasqatach but little did demez know Towlie shorted sasqatach about 200 dollars of weed that he bought from him. Sasquatch looks and sees the son of a bitch who shorted him. Sassy screams as he grabs his bat “You got my money you son of a bitch” Towlie freaks out and hides behind demez grabbing his bagels from behind him. (Bagels are the worst enemy against fighting Sasquatch.) You get away from me, Towlie said in a scared voice. Didn’t I say I didn’t want you in my woods no more and the next time I saw you I would break your legs with my metal bat. “Wanna get high” Towlie says. I do that why I bought weed from you but you shorted me 200 dollars of weed. Towlie feeling pressure and stress wanted to smoke weed. The problem was he didn’t have a bowl or piece. Demez let him borrow a dollar to smoke out of. Once towlie was high he decided that fighting Sasquatch was not an option. He would get killed, for christ sake he’s a damn towel. So instead he lights the entire forest on fire. In a mad rage Sasquatch begins killing whatever he sees. So demez got the hell out of there with towlie. Demez did not like what towlie had done but stayed with him because he did not want to be alone. Just as demez was glad he had a companion towlie left to spread towel safety to the world. Before towlie left he promised that if demez needed any towel safety techniques or wanted to get high heed be there. Demez was alone yet again with no money or food. The thought crossed his mind to again be a gay male prostitute but he didn’t want to take it up the ass. Also the amount of money was not worth the work. Maybe if I had a vagina then I would be unique. I would be the only mustachioed male prostitute with a vagina. In return he would make a lot more money. Demez pondered on how to acquire a vajin. Surgery is about $20,000, way out of Nick’s price range. So he decided to perform self-surgery. All he thought he had to do is cut off his cock and balls and in its place would be a vagina. So he got some PCP, a rubber band, a knife, and a hatchet. After he took the PCP he felt like an Aztec warrior and his penis disgraced his gods. In anger that his penis disgraced his ancient gods he took the rubber band and suffocated his cock and balls. Demez took the knife and cut his cock off. “Ahhhhh you die,” Demez yells. Then he took the hatchet and cut his balls off. “That is the last time you disgrace my gods,” Demez yells at his once attached testiest and penis. Then he grabbed his testicals and ate them for strength. Passed out……
      Chapter 9: Detachable Penis
      When demez awoke from his Aztec PCP trip he was eager to see his newly made vagina. He pulled down his pants and O SHIT! Unlike demez thought there was no vajin just a gushing wound and it hurt. Now he was worthless, he didn’t even feel like a man. He looked around for his cock and balls so a doctor could reattach them but he could only find his flaccid penis. Depressed and lacking his manhood demez wondered on. Wanting a friend he went to where he got Mr. Tuxedo to find a new best friend. A new cat could never replace Mr. Tux but hopefully it would be just as cool. When he got to the adoption agency it turned out that there was a cat that was related to Mr. Tuxedo. Its name was Mia. Demez wanted the cat badly but the agency had a weird requirement that you either had to have a penis or a vagina. Demez had neither. So demez went to the local porn store and picked up a dildo and inserted it into his blank space between his legs. So now demez had a vibrating detachable penis. Then went in and adopted Mia. Mia was so tiny and fast. Demez had a lot of trouble catching her. On one occasion Demez chased her for two hours before catching her. When he caught her he smacked her on the back of the head and said bad Mr. kitty. The kitty replied I’m a Mrs. kitty and you’re a musbarap. Demez realized that Mia could talk. They had conversations about Mr. Tuxedo and how he loved the ganja. Mia had many of the same traits as Mr. Tux but the main differences are that Mia could talk and Mia was an alcoholic. Instead of milk like many other little cats Mia wanted Jack Daniels to drink.