You are the best you there can be!

Written before my second husband died, and edited to a shorter form for blog. Really I haven't written since, this is helping me to sum up the courage. I know I have it in me still and I will prove it here one day!

Have you ever felt like a complete failure as a parent? We all do at one time or another it is only natural. I went to parents anonymous when I had just 3 children. I felt like I wasn't good enough to have kids. They assured me I was fine just like any one else having a hard time. I wish we all understood at the time what was really going on in my head. I hated myself. I hated myself so much I felt I couldn't love my kids enough to take proper care of them. Oh sure, I could feed them wash them put them to bed and start over again the next day. I was leaving my husband though because I wasn't in love. (Of course not I didn't love myself.) How was I to take charge of my life and take care of my kids when I didn't even take care of myself. Oh sure I could feed myself wash myself put myself to bed and start over again the next day, who couldn't? This was over 20 years ago and yes, I have seen many people who couldn't do just that since then and I don't want to ever be one of "those" people. A sad fact to face is it can happen to any of us at any time, it is up to us.My heart pounds every time I think about the many things I have done in the past that I regret. I feel guilt for the conflicts and hardships my children have and will encounter in their life's because I was not up to a parents standard. I feared so of my failure I felt compelled to bring it on in a more timely fashion. I don't know speed it up full steam ahead. Am I to feel as though I am a failure? I have disappointed myself and others but is that good reason to act as if I am a failure now? I feel so bad for my children. I look back
on my life and I realize though a little late, the better choices I could have made! I had no fight, none of the fight within. We should all have this fight to know the defense we all need in our life's. To know the pride we use as a form of self recognition, a confidence I never knew. A self worth I never got to enjoy as a child, then as an adult I cheated my kids, for without feeling it I failed to teach it. I thank Heavenly Father my children recognized it naturally, they are much more in tuned with themselves than I ever was at such young ages. Being the parent, I can guide and advise that's not a problem for me. It is living my life as a role model, that is what's hard! I don't see myself as a bad person any more. I must admit I do get angry with myself at times. I put myself in my kids place and it really does hurt. How could I have allowed all that has happened, to happen? I see how important it is to make the right decisions not just for my life but for the life of my children! I have come a long way to make life more enjoyable for us all. I sit here and I pour my emotional tragedies out of my soul and onto paper. (Now I see it on my computer monitor for all to see.) In this way I can vent, it is healthy for me. At the same time maybe someone will read what I wrote, making them feel better for being able to relate to my writings. Deep down inside we are all the same with the same desire to do what is right for everyone concerned, our own selfishness tends to make us turn towards a darker side so as to make us blind to our own actions. Maybe the way I vent can make some money or give to me the status quo we all long for. It could happen but for now it calms me, I seem to get a sense of value or self worth. Satisfaction knowing I can do for others what my writings do for me. I feel good reading my writings aloud and I can hear someone laugh or cry or I see a nod in agreement. I have recently discovered, these are only words, I am the reason I feel good about myself. The words explain how I feel, yes. The way I can project my
feelings so others can benefit from my own soul searching, now that is what makes me feel proud and builds my confidence. Also, while helping myself to grow and overcome, I may be able to give to another a fulfilling arousal of inner acceptance! I know writing gives to me a sense of accomplishment. This something inside of me, this blessing, this talent, this insanity, whatever it is, as proud as I am of this, I would give it away in a heartbeat. If I could make up to my children the lost time in their little life's. So much was lost in a blind whirlwind of delusional self deception! We all feel the loss inside when we experience whatever we have created for ourselves by making foolish choices. Like that of falling short of being the parent we wanted to be. It seems we do well enough alone in reprimanding ourselves for not fulfilling our own expectations. We know what's being done that cheats our little ones out of us. I am sorry what has been done is done! None of us can change the past, but we can all change the future. We can change for the better, our children's future!I have conquered my feeling of overwhelming despair to that of individual worth. I have learned to let go of the harsh feelings I had towards myself and go on to be the better person I know I am. We all must refuse to hold onto the negative we have developed for ourselves by means of guilt, shame or disappointment. To hell with money or recognition. Most of us will never see any of those, such is life, fame and fortune is not the norm. I know I am doing right for myself and in doing so I am doing right by my children. Our children know when we have a sense of accomplishment. It is an energy force that reaches out
to others beyond our own touch. When we do come across our faults, we have to look them straight in the eye and not turn away when what we see becomes too ugly to bare. We can conquer these faults with pride! The twinkle in our youngsters eyes, so full of love, as they look up to us for protection and guidance, that is our reward. There can be none greater! We are surviving and better yet we are moving forward while improving ourselves. To those parents suffering battle fatigue: Take care, get to know that love you hold inside for yourself. Take it easy, relax, be kind to yourself and unwind. You don't always have to do today what can be done tomorrow. Rest not only your feet but your mind as well! Do whatever it takes to keep sane and full of grace with all the wonders of parenthood right in the palm of your hand! Our children are most precious to us all and I know now how precious I am to mine. (I don't know why it took me so long to figure that one out but I finally did.) It seems crazy to believe I could have so much unconditional value, but I do. Here it is, I like to say I have 6 immortality's here on earth. Every one of my kids are a part of me. When it is time for me to leave this earth, I've given this world 6 beautiful human beings to carry on my thoughts, ideas, (for they really do listen at times) personality, beliefs, (even though they may fight over this for they really do know better) and blood. That is a lot of valuable worthiness! Nothing was put on this earth to last forever except our souls, and I believe our families will be together for eternity. Nothing can take away the crown of
parenthood. No need to feel down. What do you see when you watch your children? It's you! You can see how they have picked up on your style of walk or the way you talk. The way they hold their head when they listen or maybe they like your favorite dessert or sport. They want to be just like you. Isn't mockery the best form of flattery one can receive? You shouldn't dare tear yourself down. It is an insult to them for they cherish you. Of course you don't want them to pick up such a bad trait either. So go ahead stand proud, be happy with yourself! You are doing a great job! Your still doing, are you not? Then, Bravo! Bravo!You are the best, the very best you can be. Your children say so!